Countdowns

There are so many countdowns I don't know what to do with myself...Life is just going to have to be on rapid fire starting this school year. I have classes, clubs, Joe, my 21st birthday, applying for jobs, going to Delaware and graduation. Not even mentioning the things in between.

I look forward to Joe's homecoming most. I have been feeling antsy lately and I really wish he would be here for our anniversary in November. I know that it is only a day but we will be missing not only our first but our second...not a huge deal, but not something I would have chosen. The good news is we can start sharing birthdays next year and the time of seeing each other more frequently will commence.

2011 was my cursed year, and really a lot of bad things had happened starting with Joe's deployment. I had the worst of luck with my Graphic Design 4 class, I wasn't losing any weight for the longest time and my Grandfather died. I have felt under motivated all summer but I think this school year will kick off the better half of 2011. I feel like the rode blocks I had made are almost nonexistent and this year I can really pull together my design prowess.

Most importantly I look forward to touching Joseph again. You don't really understand a hug until it is taken away from you for a while. I think the 4 days he was here for leave made us both a bit anxious for him being home for good. This time I hope I get more time though!

Feeling Good

It is amazing how much a letter can keep you in a good mood. I was starting to feel a bit iffy until I received a letter from Joe on Sunday. It didn't say much, but all that it said was good and made me feel so much better about life in general. He is one of the best worded people I know, coming from someone who has trouble expressing themselves via words (I really am more of a visual person, hence my use of imagery) but his are so simple, yet perfect.

I think that If I was ever asked what an important thing for deployment would be, I would say that it is the letters. I know Joe and I talk almost every day on skype and can give emails, but the letter seems to mean so much more. He wrote it and he had to think about each letter as he drew it out. He touched it, he sealed it...there is just more thought and tactile bits. It is also hard to believe how far we have come. This deployment I had wanted to be an opportunity for growth and I think we achieved that. Also, we are almost in September and time is really coasting by. I feel like next thing I know, I will be hugging Joseph again and these screens wont be between us anymore.

There is a surreal part about the skype calls that must be noted. When Joe is around it is strange because I am so use to seeing him and holding back things like touching his hand, and just being near him...it gets strange to really be around him. Suddenly it is real and I feel as though I am dreaming sometimes. I get so use to having to remember it is strange to not have to and the experience is new again.

I look forward to this time, because he will be home.

School Soon

I really haven't posted in a while, which could be seen as either a good thing or a bad thing. My drive for the summer is almost completely gone and I no longer feel like running or even working on my book design for my internship. Now this is not saying I havn't worked on both things, just that it takes all of my self control to do what I need to do. Overall with running I have decided to only go once a week until school starts. This is really more to kick myself in the behind for not doing it more frequently, but also because I feel like I am not ready to really start again and this will push me to work harder during the school year.

When I do get back to school, I want to use the gym almost every day. I will also be weight training on alternate days so I will lose weight at a faster speed (from multiple sources). I am also going to buy an outfit that is size 12 for motivation for the school year. One could say that will be my official goal for the end of the semester. In the end I would like to be a 10, but we will see what I can do.

I am also on a version of weight watchers where I am using the self method. It is working out pretty good and I lost the weight I have gained from being home and fluctuating at my sisters house. Also this diet has really influenced my digestive system which makes me think my crappy stomach is due to a bad gall bladder in stead of lactose intolerance.

Things with me and Joe are also going swimmingly. We are both pretty antsy for him to be home in a few months and I am really looking forward to baking for a care package and getting his anniversary present. I am really happy with him lately and it is very comforting for him to be acknowledging that he misses me. For a while I thought that saying it would make it more real and harder, but now I realize how helpful it can actually be. Things I learned: I miss you isn't always a negative thing to say.

Aside from Joe I am still pretty lonely. I have been home for too long and not seen anyone outside of my family. It is pretty sad to say that the most social things I have done this summer have been wakes and my grandfather's funeral. I am just really glad that Joe ended up with his leave when he did because it passed all of the time till he came and then made me not think about the summer for another month. I am just happy that school is soon but I worry about the time Sam and I have deemed "Forever Summer."

In some ways there will never be a "Summer's almost over!" but at the same time I will be at work, which I have found is extremely close to school. Things are definably going to be different next year. I am not really concerned about getting a job because I have a skilled trade (and I know how to do just about everything in my field...mainly illustration is my biggest asset). What I am scared of is failing at all the things that should be coming easy. The good news is I know that everything will work out in the end.

New Shoes and Fat

I am going to be honest, this summer has sucked when it comes to my whole "be 140 by the time Joe comes home" plan. I haven't exactly gained much (I fluctuate between a few pounds) but I haven't gotten anywhere since school has let out. This has caused me to lose a couple months and now I think I am going to have to revert to the base plan (the "In case plan 140 doesn't work because I suck balls at not being fat") of weighing less than Joe...which is an obtainable 172...ideally I would like to pretend he is in the 160 zone...but I'll work with whatever I have. What I also may have to narrow down to is using my weight thing on my ipod and pray to god that I have the power to stick with it on my break. Right now I lack motivation...but I am really looking to not diet, I know how those end.

Working towards this, I am planning on going to the gym almost every day when I go back to school. However now my thought really isn't about getting into better shape as much as adding to the calories I can eat. Lets be honest, I didn't get this way from not eating, and when I am done with this I wont stop eating. I just need to find a happy medium of actually moving once in a while...but I digress.

Also in my plan is I have bought those rocker shoes that we have all seen on TV. They are publicized to make you to walk heal to toe and I am true to my word when I say they force you to walk heal to toe and if you stand to long they are slightly unsettling. I am also in the stage where I am trying to get use to them because I am use to flip flops, bare feet, or running shoes. What I am hoping is that these shoes will do everything everyone says they will do and tone my legs while getting a few extra calories in each day.

I don't understand why I am veering away from my motivation. I have stopped this veering a couple time before with much success, but being sick literally killed any chance I had to wanting to run. I really need to just get back to school and push myself to go every day. What I am really hoping is that the first couple weeks I will kick start my metabolism and everything will be down hill from there, but that isn't a very realistic goal is it?

The weirdest part of the whole situation is that I want to hate my body (sometimes) but I just done. I have always been okay with my size, figuring I would lose it because okay isn't good enough for me sometimes. I have always seen myself as a perfectionist and that part of me that wants me to hate my body is being blocked for the sheer purpose of I don't want to lose all of my weight. I have always thought girls were more attractive with a bit of meat on them and I am afraid that I am going to strive for a washboard stomach when my body isn't meant for it.

I don't really know what my body has in store for me and overall I don't want to be concerned about my weight forever. I have finally decided that I will (guessing) be happy at a size 10. It isn't that far from my grasp, but it is far enough when I think about how much time I have wasted this summer. Still, I don't expect any progress until I am back at school. There are too many variables at home right now and I feel like I have been cooped up in my room for months.

Now to get rid of some gloom some things I am happy about:

• Making my goal tangible and low stress
• I haven't given up yet
• A long time ago we passed the "hump" of Joe's deployment and I am still pleased with this because these are the days till he comes home.
  
• I have an awesome boyfriend

There really is more...but then the list would be too long (and to be honest no one really cares).

Figure Drawing Club

I tell you what, making a club is a lot more effort than I had originally anticipated. It isn't hard work, just a lot of tedious documentation because we are the first group in charge, but I look forward to a success in Figure Drawing Club. We have so many plans for models and a draw-a-thon, but at the same time there are a lot of University policies to check that I had not even considered. Overall, I am glad I am doing this. It is nice to start something and I know I am laying a foundation for a more active Fine Arts Department. Lets not even mention how this will look on my resume.

I am almost afraid to speak too soon. We are doing all of this work and I have a fear that SAIL is just going to decline our groups recognition and I really hope this doesn't happen because so many people are excited. Drawing classes aren't always in our schedules and there is always room for peer improvement. Academically I hope that this group helps the University's fine arts. As a future graduate (2011) I know a lot of seniors that wished this opportunity to draw had come sooner.

Dog Tags

Today I have recieved a replica of Joe's dog tags and I haven't been this excited over something like this in a long time. A while ago I let the issue go and figured I would get them if Joe remembered...and now I have a set! I don't know what it is about the tags, but I do find something nostalgic about them. It shouldn't be that important of a symbol, but there is something about the visual representation that makes it feel more Joe.

I will say that, at the heart of it all, it is a bit unnerving to know I have Joe's information around my neck. I trust myself with it, but I don't take the responsibility lightly. I take this more as something I wear for him (on top of the necklace he already gave me for this deployment). I don't want the tags to replace the necklace he already gave me, so for now I wear both. I don't know if Joe knew my intentions of wearing both, but I don't want to forget the moment he gave me his cross to wear.

I never really noticed how much Joe's confirmation cross had stood out in my mind till it was given for me to wear as a token in his absence. It was always just a part of his dorm room bed, always hanging on the same post as his dog tags (kind of a strange coincidence now that it is brought up), but the day after I had experienced a nightmare that he often has, Joe approached me with the cross I now wear around my neck.

To be honest, I was happy to have it. Earlier in the semester, about a week before I started talking to Joe, I had lost my "Lady of Fatima" necklace that I had worn almost every day since my own Confirmation. I had always felt a loss without my daily necklace and it was one that the chain had been replaced a few times, but I had lost because the chain was too large. Really, it is because of this incident that I am now afraid of losing every piece of jewelry I own.

However, the nightmare was most likely a coincidence because this was also in the last couple of days of school. What I do remember is that he was a bit nervous and his heart was racing really fast when I hugged him afterward. It was one of those strong beats that will stay in my mind...much like his heart beat from when we fell asleep together for the first time. He said to wear this to remember him when he was away. It came a half year sooner than his deployment and I didn't really mind. The only thing that bothers me is the amount of wear and tear that has been put on the necklace since then. It went from rarely worn to always worn and the chain has broken a few times.

Long story short, I now have two necklaces to wear. One being the representation of Joe when we were still in school together and a representation of God in our relationship. The second being the representation of Joe's military life, more directly this deployment. It also seems to help that Joe put "Jedi Knight" in the religious section because that goes to show how nerdy my boyfriend actually is. Now that I think about it, these necklaces go well together.

All that is left to do now is make the chains I ordered into the old regulations for Dog tags. Where there was once 365 balls on the big chain (52 on the small) there are less than half. With the 3ft chain I ordered I am hoping to be able to make the 365 and 52 chains for both Joe and myself (at the least Joe). The main focus was that the 24in chain I have falls at an awkward length for my boobs, the plan is to make it longer like Joe's chain so It hangs lower and wont get caught between or hang too high.

Running and Packages

Today was my first day running since I got sick about two weeks ago. My throat isn't completely clear, but it was long over due. What really makes me sad is I was at 13 minutes then and fractions of a second under 14 minutes now. It was quite a painful experience and I really hope that it is just because my muscles were feeling very weak today. Much like how I shaved off the minute at the beginning of the summer, I am hoping that the run today will give my legs the kick the need to get back into high gear.

I have been at a stand still with my weight because of this. I worry that I will not be able to meet my quota for when Joe comes home and at 180 now I have only a couple months to make my original anniversary goal. It is safe to say that my plans for making my goal sooner was a success, however I do not plan on officially changing it till I meet that date above the 140s. The important part right now is not letting myself give up and to keep running as close to every day as possible.

Another side note is that Joe still hasn't gotten his care package yet...and it has been about three weeks at least! I have heard of the stories of packages getting held up, but this is getting ridiculous. He has now gotten everyone's package but mine and the only one close is his grandmother's that he got today from June 27th, but that was sent to Oman and mine should have gone straight to him. My letters have been slacking too and I really just wonder what is going on with the package.

Regardless I am glad to be running again. I have accomplished a lot even though I really haven't done anything this week. I am having a very hard time motivating myself with my book project at home. I feel like anywhere else I would have no problems, there is just something about here that makes me have to push myself to get work done.

Grandpa and Tomorrow

I don't even have a "real" funeral to go to and I still don't want to go. I have been able to only show up at wakes for 20 years and now I still avoid it, but the likeness of what is to come displeases me.

Don't get my wrong I love my grandfather, but I don't see funerals and wakes as a representation of how much someone cares. On some level I do think that I may need closer in this and not going would only delay the feelings I have cast aside so well. I just don't like being sad and I know this is how I am going to feel tomorrow.

The good news is, tomorrow's early day leaves me open to get a lot of things done before I talk to Joseph. After the family things are taken care of I am finally going to pick up my skirt from the tailors, straighten out things with CCRI and return my library books. Most importantly tomorrow I believe I am going to start running again. I have missed it, but my coughing has really put a damper on my ability to even try. It will be interesting to see if a week and a half has made me better or worse.

Overall I am still feeling really good. A series of revelations has really made this part of the deployment easier on me and I am very glad that my secret wish (that he will be home in November) isn't an idea I have become married to...because I shouldn't commit to things that have such a small percentage of happening. I also have a deeper trust in Joseph coming to visit me. I am sure that there will be a rocky start to our first few months of him being home, but once we have a rhythm we will be okay for the long hall of him finishing school.

Another thing I have realized is that I want so badly to rush through life and its stages. Everyone I have talked to is weary on how the long distance is going to work for us, but at the same time I feel that it will encourage our quality time and help protect our purity in the years we have left to wait. I would be a fool to say I'm not scared still, but I am back on the everything is going to work out okay wagon.

Fighting

I don't really know what is going on at the moment, just that stress is running high on both ends of Joe's deployment. I don't intend for there to be stress on a daily basis, but at the same time I feel like it keeps happening. For some reason I am being really sensitive, but at the same time I do feel that I have a right to be angry every once in a while.

This recent change in mood has lead me to do some research. I know that this is a perfectly normal stage of deployment, just not one I had expected to come across considering how well everything has been going. For now, I blame this on the shock of my sudden emotional outbursts, but I do want to stop this. What I am wondering is if I am making it worse by trying to let go of these superficial things that are bothering me before I am ready. I have been doing some reading. Mainly because I don't have anyone that can really tell me what I am feeling is normal and this is especially true because I feel like I am not fully looking at this open minded yet. This blog post was the first to make me feel better because even this not being our first argument, this is the first significant one.

I very much agree with the woman in the post. This is the most unsatisfying arguments someone can ever have. Neither of us want to deal with it, but I know it needs to be dealt with. Our time is also limited, which leaves me both stewing in my own problems and gives me time to think about the things that have been said. It is bitter sweet but I don't understand why I am holding this much anger...but I am also frustrated that I am not confident Joe understands why I am angry.

I feel like I am not being met half way, but at the same time I know I am. This is the exact feeling that the post had mentioned, which made me feel better about the situation as a whole. With our prolonged long distance relationship, I keep being afraid that it is always going to be like this...I do need to trust that it wont. I don't know why I am forgetting that Joe is deployed but I need to stop and chill out.

Side note, I feel icky and it isn't helping!!! Yay first summer cold T_T...

...this sickness may be keeping me from the lake tomorrow :(

Headache

I never really thought you could get a headache from thinking to hard, but I do believe that is the case today. Due to recent circumstances, I had decided to write Joe a letter dedicated to how I feel. This is something that I normally avoid at all costs, but I feel that it is time for this. I sealed it away in an envelope inside the care package my mom will be mailing out tomorrow. This way I have no way of turning back, but now I start my usual worries.

This information really isn't anything new, I just have a problem with outright saying how much I care. I hope that in doing this I can break down the final barriers I have with Joe...but now I am going to go to sleep because my head hurts more than I thought.

Life

There are many days when I sit and realize how old I am, but lately this has really hit home. I feel old and young at the same time. I know the responsibilities I soon will face, but I still haven't been able to do the simplest thing like get a job. I feel like the ambition is there, I just don't know where to start half the time.

Regarding my internship I have realized another one of my problems in design. I didn't even realize this was an issue, because it has always been because of time. I know that I want to give hand making the pages of a children's book by hand, but at the same time I am almost too afraid to try. This fear won't stop me, but I have never really recognized it before. This is the same reaction that I give in school because at that time I feel that there is no room for error. I am really use to working instinctual, but now I feel I need to plan things out... another project for the summer.

the summer is passing by quickly but I know this is only for a short time. So far, everything is much better than I had anticipated, but a lot of this has to do with the fact I can talk to Joe again. Everything works out so well for me....(side note: why can't I find a job!!!) Another aspect of my summer going well is that I have been able to retain running. This is not as far as I am use to going, but something is definably better than nothing. I have worked my time down to 13:30 and I look forward to more progress.

My biggest fear in the running was my reaction to my mom's reaction. Of course I realize that this is not logical but something about her way of encouragement really makes me want to stop sometimes. I wish I knew why...but anyways I look forward to pushing my running limits so I can go further as the summer progresses. In this, I would really like to be 160 by the time school starts again (of course this being my midnight weight...which is like 5 lbs off) but I am going to be open minded. I take this as, I am doing something and I am doing it consistently. I really want to weigh less than Joe when he comes back...but at the same time I want to do it in the least stressful manor and the 2 lb a week method. I haven't counted my calories in a long time though, but I don't eat frequently enough for it to matter.

Accident and AC

Today I was in my first driving accident which was overall not a horrible experience. It was very minor and no one was hurt, but it was still a monument in my driving history that I knew would come around eventually. Although there was nothing I could have done to prevent this, I still wish it hadn't come so soon.

I don't know whether or not to add this to the crappy 2010 list (in theory rather than practice). So many things keep happening and as optimistic as I want to be, it is hard to deny that this year is going less smooth than the rest. I am trying to stay optimistic though, but it is also hard when the AC has stopped working...I know there are people that have the heat worse (i.e. Joe) but it is still a discomfort and bad timing.

Etsy and Run

I have launched my Etsy, as planned, though there are a lot less items than I though there would be. I am having a bit of a road block coming up with things to put on the site, but overall it is refreshing to have it there again. I am also going to come up with a new name and banner...eventually.

Also I have noticed how running impacts my day. I always thought it was weird when people said that it made them happier, but I understand now. It kind of wears off and it is a less anxious feeling....

Really short post today...really short.

Running

I have noticed that I feel better overall on days that I run. I am not sure if it is the fact that I have brought my mile down to 13:20 or if it is just getting out for a little bit of the day....I just feel a little bit less anxious throughout the day. Now all I need to do I decide between mornings and nights.

I think I am going to keep my Thursday night City Park dates with Carol. It is still good for me to be able to run the 3 miles, however I just need to keep up with jogging in the half mile intervals. I hope that eventually I will be able to run the full 1.1 mile at home and the 3 mile City Park track. I want this goal to be achieved by the end of the summer, but I am unsure on how that will go, so I aim for the Summer with an open mind.

Reminding myself of my goals, it would be interesting to go back to school running the circle every day. The good news about going back is that I will have gym access and I won't be stuck with the weather I am given. I have ran once during the rain, and it is hard to breathe, but not bad. I just wonder how this will pan out and whether or not I will be able to meet my weight goal for when Joe comes home. As of the last time I had weighed myself...I am about the same.

Phases

This phase of being upset really needs to end. That and my at home lack of motivation is putting my weight loss goal on hold for the moment. I really need to sit and focus on the task at hand. I was in this state for a little while while Joe first left, I just need to get back into it.

Besides that everything else is going well. I am still trying to hear more from my internship and am wondering why I haven't heard anything yet.

On the Etsy front, I have made two bracelets so far. Though I am still a long way from ready to open the shop, I am that much closer to the goal. I hope to be open before the end of the week, but that will all depend on what I can do with stock.

...focusing on the present, my first objective is to get out of this sad phase that I am in and start waking up and running.

Surprises

It is amazing the "normal" things I have realized I cannot blog about because of my fear of letting out surprises. I would have had a lot last week if it wouldn't have cracked some of the projects I had ready to send to Joe's brother. As well as the sheer sake of my computer off when Joe is around philosophy. My time leading up to his visit was mostly filled with baking, cooking, and general preparing of both the house and gummies I had made.

Now I wonder how to solve this problem. A general thought is to have these posts arrive later in the week, but in doing so would it make more sense to delay all posts? The real rational is that I am pretty sure my blog isn't read by the people I make things for, but if seems to become the problem I face. I wonder, how would it be if I found things out via a blog. It goes under the philosophy of Twitter and the question "do people really care?" I am a woman of realism, people don't read this blog. Last time I had checked, given this was a while ago, I get about one hit a day; makes you wonder why I bother? Even without my love of writing, these are only the interests of my daily life and random musings. The only useful part I had once saw was the following of Joe's deployment, however it turns out I am an anomaly with that one.

We all do so many things that will not get us anywhere, but there is still the what if in the back of our minds. What if this does become popular? What if I give words that will one day inspire someone else to think a bit differently? Overall I really believe that my blogging has been a bit more of a habitual state. It has been linking between a journal and a resource ever sense I started, but I was never one to stick with themes. My mind is all over the place.

And I digress...the title of this post is "surprises" which means I must focus back on my original intent. I face a decision on how I will handle these in the future, but I know deep down that I will always end up writing about the events after they happen. Always careful.

Army Change

One thing I have learned, but never seem to remember, is that the Army will always change orders. Whether it be months in advance or last minute, Joe has always told me plans are never final until they happen. Normally they end up being bad for me, but this time I can't see any immediate harm. As stated in past entries, Joe was suppose to be sent to Oman. Right now, he will not be going there and will be continuing his job in Kuwait.

What does this mean?

For the foreseeable future, I will still be able to talk with Joe online.

If this is a strike of fortune, or a strike of bad luck, I am not aware. What I do know is that I will count my blessing of being able to speak to Joe again. Seeing him always makes me feel okay.

Embracing the Suck Once More

Something about the knowledge that Joe is officially back made my dormant sadness come back to the surface. I am still okay, but it is strange to not have Joe virtually available. I still don't want to be upset, but I am pretty sure I have been eating my feelings over the past week.

A step backwards in my weight loss/running. I have run a couple times with Carol at City Park but it has been almost two weeks since I have gone. I am trying to refocus my energy back to running and take a decent portion of my weight off over this summer. The long halls that I normally get are here again, and how I handle this immediately will affect whether or not I complete my goals. Really this has been a long week. I don't know if I had posted this but my Grandfather died last week as well as other family members (not of my blood). I hope that, by rule of threes, we are going to be done with this for a while.

Another side note is I am going to be opening my Etsy account again. I will be coming up with an official theme soon, but I am leaning towards a book and antiqued theme. I am hoping that by creating a system my flow of traffic will be helped. I am pretty sure I will also be creating bookmarks....again officials have not been decided.

Joe's Visit

It has been a long time since I have posted but things have been both busy and eventful. It was also this week that Joe came to visit me for part of his leave and never have I been so surprised with everything.

When Joe came, there was no doubt I was excited. I look forward to seeing him more than any one else, but I had told myself I was not going to get overly excited (to the point where I get sick) and overall this was a point at which I had no nervous energy at all. Joe's visit almost completely pulled into a routine/feeling as if he had never left. It isn't that this doesn't happen every time, but there was an added comfort in just seeing him.

It is a hard feeling to explain. I spent and enjoyed my time with him and I saw him off. I will admit, one of the times I had woken up Friday morning I woke feeling upset, but after I slept again the feeling had burrowed itself. In this visit it almost seems as if I have found an acceptance in how things are. Also the knowledge that I am about half way done and have already proved my strength helps emencely.

The second time (during leave) we say goodbye is suppose to be the hardest. However with my mindset, it was about the same if not less. Joe will be home in a few months then he will visit me again. There could also be an acceptance of our long distance relationship continuing as he finishes college. With this, not much will change...however I would expect to see him more.

What really made the biggest impact is how we merged so well. Again, it is hard to explain the feeling I got from these past three days, but it is one that I hope stays with me for all of our times apart. I always feel as if everything is going to be okay, but this time it was more than that and the feeling that everything is right got stronger. A helpful aspect was our heart to heart, which always happens his second night in. We pulled so many strings and talked about all that is going on.

I truly feel like an anomaly. Somehow I am blessed with the ability to handle my second goodbye, and I think I have been doing pretty well through this deployment. I know the next few months with limited contact is going to suck, yet I look into it without much fear. I think I knocked down a lot of my barriers with him and I am getting very comfortable. I am still in shock over how I feel at the moment...as should anyone who reads this.

One Week

I am really looking forward to seeing Joseph in a week; though I am really not looking forward to the dentist. I have been telling myself all this time "Joseph in x weeks, dentist in y," trying to stray my energy away from my anxiety and keep myself from freaking out over my future appointment. This appointment still doesn't seem like a big deal for me, but the dentist in general is very nerve wracking for me.

I am trying to focus more on next week, because it is then that Joseph will be staying with me. It is strange to think that it has been four months into the deployment, and that I still have some time to go. I fear the time after he leaves because I am so use to "seeing" him on a daily basis, but times had been worse in the past. I am also much more fortunate than others have been (presently) so I still count my blessings.

I am almost at the bubbling part of my excitement. The containment will soon be overflowing and I really don't mind. However now I am unsure who is picking him up from the airport because I may believe in my driving abilities enough to do it myself. With this the image in my head changes slightly, but I am more excited for the week than his arrival. I just pray that I won't forget this.

Of course, forgetting isn't my style, but deep down inside me is a fear that I will one day forget all that is important to me. It would be dishonest for me to say that I have never had another "ah-hah" moment with Joe and I don't see a problem with it. I am also a person that believes there cannot be true faith unless it is questioned. In questioning we test what we truly believe in, and through our trials we find strength.

Finding Place

I find it really difficult to get my things back in order when I get back home. Somehow I accumulate so many objects and I really have no idea what I can throw away and what I should keep. Everything seems to have a purpose and I don't want to throw it away (Especially considering all the crafts I do on occasion).

Overall, I am resisting my natural urge to hoard. I throw things away every time I move out/in my room and I always have a hard time rearranging everything. One would think there are things I wouldn't miss, but then I end up using them to create things (such as a greeting card). However, I am milking this time for all that it is worth. I need to be done before Joe comes (in about a week and half) and once all this is over, I have no idea what is in store for the summer.

Focusing on the positives JOE IS COMING TO VISIT SOON!

Last Night

Tonight is the last night on campus and I am both excited and sad to go home. At the moment I am most looking forward to my dentist appointment next week and Joe coming the week after. Never in my life did I think I would be glad for a dentist appointment, but I have spent the past three weeks terrified that my temporary fillings were going to give way, and now it is almost time to get the permanent fix.

However nothing compares to the excitement of finally seeing Joe. Sure this is also a sad moment, because I may not "see" him (on the computer) again for a few months, but nothing else seems to matter. I am a bit nervous that our time will be tinked away, as of now I have already lost a day, but I feel like I shouldn't worry. I just need to wait for the officials towards the beginning of next week!

On the job front, I still need to call the people I want to intern for. I should have done this today, but I keep getting caught up in finals week. I am going to have to call them either tomorrow or Wednesday. I am looking forward to the possibilities, but I really hope I don't have to work till after Joe leaves. I wont ask for this time off, but I will hope.

This is just so exciting! I am trying not to get too into the emotion because of Murphy's Law, and the joy of sleeping, but as each day passes I am getting more and more excited. We are going to have a lot of fun going on dates and I know the week ahead of me is going to fly by so quickly. I am looking forward to meeting him at the airport and we can go home and have a nice week together. My nerves are only in the time he is gone again, but I will push forward as I have these past four months.

A small goal for this time is the possibility of pushing my goals for the next couple weeks. Yesterday I weighed in at 180 (which is another mile stone!) and I was teetering the idea of pushing 170 for when Joe finally gets here. This will mean two weeks and ten pounds. A pretty reasonable goal.

In doing this I will have to actually diet for the first time since I have started running, but before I go to those drastic measures, I am going to drink off my water weight (which is normally around 10lbs). I am also deciding my home work out which may end up being a mile a day or a mile then walking city park on off days. This all will have a lot to do with how being at home works out for me. I hope for the best.

My Brain Hurts

For the past two days I have been getting a migraine during the evening. My mother had a theory that it is due to my teeth, but I am really starting to wonder if it is from the computer/computer lab that I have been avoiding all semester. Really this has been a great semester regarding my health and my migraines. Even the migraine I am sporting now isn't that much of a big deal and the only thing really wrong with me is the temporary fillings. I realize now that I had been doing so well because I have been working off the computer so much. I need to get back to that habit, also lay off the florescent lights in the school buildings.

This is truly the worst week to ever be experiencing these problems. I have so much screen based work and so little time to finish. Again I ask myself why I didn't work during the weekend, but I had a good rest and I still regret nothing. I just wish my eyes would work with me.

Right now is just finding a job and hoping that my teeth will cooperate during the next couple weeks. There is also a hope that Joe's leave will not be challenged because of a soon to be move to Oman. I feel like everything is going to pan out great and Joe's philosophy of me needing to go with the flow is more important now than ever. I am trying to keep my teeth clean and healthy and soon I will be with Joseph, at least for a few days.

It is weird to think about seeing Joe soon. I am really excited, but for the past few months he has been in my computer (for all practical purposes), soon I am going to be able to touch and smell him again and I really hope my senses don't get overwhelmed. I don't feel like my level of control will be affected, but there is still a fear deep down. At the same time, I don't really care I miss Joe so much and I can't wait to see him!

Alas, I just need to focus on my last week of classes. I have a couple papers that I hadn't wanted to procrastinate but still managed to not really put a good foot in the writing portion yet. The good news is I know I can do this, the bad news is I am pressured with the hovering A's that are before me. So close, but if I aim wrong I can lose them.

Finals

I have a whole bunch of things I really should be working on, but I really just don't have it in my just yet. Earlier I had complained about a recent lack of motivation, but it seems to be building itself back up now that I know I may get an A in Art History (New Media)! This is great because Now I have a potential A in New Media, Short Stories and Typography 2. I do not include Graphic Design or my figure drawing study because (A) I have no idea how I am going to be graded in Graphic Design with the issue I had had with the disk in the first project and (B) Ellen has yet to give me an A in a drawing class.

I have worked really hard for Ellen this semester and have worked towards every goal she has asked of me. I have grown a lot in drawing but I did the same last spring and my teetering ended up with a B+. I am also going to make the assumption that it is impossible to get an A in Graphic Design when the teacher gave me an automatic failure on the first project. However she said that she would work with me and would tell me if I wasn't going to pass her class. At lowest I expect a C+ (needed for GD5) and at highest (I hope) is a B. If not, I am not sure what I will do.

Finals aren't so bad either, but there is a 8 page paper I have to write for short stories and a presentation that will decide my fate for New Media. There is also an in class exam, but I do not feel that Anna thinks this will effect my grade. Besides that I have my type book and my package design (with process binder). I am so close to having straight A's and at the same time I don't want to expect it and then have a let down. All I want is my GPA to average up to a 3.5 so I can be Magna Cum Laude (blue tasseled!), at worst I think I would end up just Cum Laude, but again it depends how my GPA will change when I have my new grade plugged in.

Finishing Up

This coming week is the final [full] week of school and I will finally be heading home in a little over two weeks. So far, I really have no idea how I am doing in many of my classes. I hope for the best, but still fear for the worst. I think this semester will go very well, however I really want to get myself up to the second level of honors which will give me a light blue chord at graduation. My best luck will be in the fact that my past Type 2 grade will be replaced by the end of this semester. I just need to remember to put that little extra effort and shoot for an A.

Most importantly I am really looking forward to seeing Joe. The exact date is still unknown, but I think I am finally getting use to this. The only thing is I only have things to look forward to for the beginning of the summer. I am only in classes until July and even that won't take up much of my time. Luckily, I have been applying to many jobs in the area. Unfortunately, there aren't many and I feel like I am up against all the people who once worked at the mall. Internships have turned up short as well.

Freelancing may be my best bet, however my past at Craigslist is starting to push forward again. There are so many people who want you to design and then they will pick the best. In theory that is great for them, however I can't condone to that because that is a lot of time that can be wasted and I feel everyone should be paid for their work. I really don't want to spend the summer doing nothing and at worst I may open my etsy shop again.

Anxiety

I have found myself again filled with the anxieties that surround my teeth. I still have three stressful weeks before the semester is over/ I have my appointment (which still needs to be made) and I can only pray that I don't destroy the temporary fillings by that time. I know I need to "grow up" and be able to handle the dentist, but it is one of the only things that really scares me. It is an irrational phobia and I pretty much will have it for life.

The only thing that I am focusing on is the fact that I will be seeing Joseph afterward. I am hoping that, with a focal point, I will not be so worried about going to the dentist...and hopefully not be as scared when I get there. I just have to keep telling myself that the hard part is over, all they are doing is finishing up the job. The real issues are what is going to happen after Joe leaves?

I have been searching for a job for the past couple weeks that will, at the least, cover my summer tuition. I know for a fact that I can't just sit around all summer doing nothing (not including my school work) and it is becoming more of a necessity that I find a source of income. My real concern is that the Warwick Mall ended up being flooded a few weeks ago and now I have a guess that all those people will be out of work for a while. The scarce jobs around, from what I can guess, just got worse. I just wish there were more summer internships (and that they paid) or at least more freelance opportunities in either Illustration or Design.

Dental Update

I had been so focused on recent events, and tired, that I had completely forgotten to give an update to my dental appointment. In the long run I had needed a double root canal...basically everything I didn't want to happen. I ended up freaking out slightly and needed to be put on laughing gas (which by the way now works on me) the procedure wasn't bad, but then again I was slightly sedated. My doctor had finished most of the work up and My root canal is technically done, however I have temporary fillings on top because they didn't have time to finish the job. I need to go back in a couple weeks and get fillings, then make an appointment for a cleaning...

I still hate the dentist...nothing personal

The Dates

I have finally gotten a date for when Joe should be taking his two week leave and it is in just about a month! I am really excited and see this as the half way mark to the end of his deployment (even though it is a bit earlier than that!). I feel like I have been waiting so long for these dates and now it feels real again and I am so anxious to see him a little over a week after school ends. There is one small fear pinging at me right now. It isn't a big enough deal to really matter, but I am concerned that I may have to relive some of the earlier stages of deployment again. This fear I hadn't even thought about until Joe had mentioned it before he left. He had given me the option to miss out on his leave then, but the truth is, I wouldn't miss it for anything.

I have have been holding up good so far and I can't see that changing in the foreseeable future. Even if I am upset enough to have it affect my daily life (for anyone who knows me this is nearly impossible to do more than skim the surface) I do not expect it to last as long as it did in the beginning. Before I was waiting a year; this time I will be waiting several months. I have been through the hard part and I know I can do this now. There is also a new reassurance that I need to be more patient with my life. I want so badly for resolve, but I have to wait.

Overall I look forward to seeing Joe again...or rather touching Joe again. I am extremely thankful that he is so attentive towards me and that I get to hear from him almost every day. I see people around me who aren't as fortunate and it makes me glad to know Joe is so open about how much he cares and willing to "see" me so frequently. I know I am reminded constantly of the haze that enters my life after the deployment, but I still trust that everything is going to be okay. I may be walking down a dark path, and I may not know where it is taking me, but I am not alone.

Dentist

With a long history of dental phobia, I have been avoiding the dentist since I had my wisdom teeth removed (right before college started). Since I broke one of my teeth a couple weeks ago, I had been waiting till the summer so I did not have to miss class. Now, I finally have to go (and miss class) because of the fact that my tooth now is in pain and some how managed to have another hole in it.

It scares me and I wonder if I should have made this sooner. Also, missing class was something I was trying to avoid and if this had happened earlier this weekend, or earlier today, I could have made an appointment for today (long weekend in Mass but in RI they still have a work day). However the inconvenience of my mouth is unimportant, the real stress is that I am slowly chewing away my own teeth.

I wish there was something that could be done, but the best thing that I can do is invest in a mouth guard. I don't think I grind all the time; I have had many months without pain. What I think is happening is that it is coming out in times of stress. Logically I should use this till the end of my school career and during stressful days.

Now I wonder, what is going to happen when I get to the dentist's office? Am I going to make the situation worse in the meantime because my subconscious hates me? I am terrified of having to have a root canal, let alone a filling. My mom says that it is probably worse in my mind and I will only need a cap until they can fix the whole problem. I just hope this will not affect my schooling. I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to lose my tooth more....grrrr...

Weekends

During this semester there is nothing I look forward to more than the weekends. My week is jam packed with schoolwork and it is good to finally have my Saturday; a day I have taken off since high school. Sometimes I end up screwing myself over, but overall I enjoy finally being able to take a breather. Second best part about the weekend...I finally get to really talk with Joe! Some times I get a small piece of time before/during class, but it isn't real talking because I need to mind the fact that I am still in a public place and other people don't really want to hear me yapping at my computer. I am also really looking forward to him visiting...*squeels*

I feel like summer break can't come sooner. I still have no idea what I am going to do for employment, but at least I am going to be taking some classes. Really this semester is breaking my balls. Hopefully, it will at least end with some A's.

3 months

At the moment, I feel use to not hearing from Joe for a few days at a time. However, I have yet to decide whether or not this is a good thing. Of course, I had just talked to him yesterday so I could feel completely different tomorrow, but at the moment I am content. Not ecstatic, just content. Really I am just spending my free time drawing and designing and I have finally finished the overall redo of my website, now all that is left is coding.

Contentment feels dirty to me. I know I miss Joe, but for some reason I want myself to feel it all the time. I still want to feel ok, but a part of me worries about something that will never happen. Overall, I still can't wait till he can visit...I don't even care when at this point. What I am worried about is how this will affect me after he is gone again. I know I am going to need to relive some of the stages that I have gone through, but luckily at a quicker pace.

It is hard to believe that 3 months have already gone by. This still doesn't feel like the longest we have been apart, but that is forgetting the couple days we got to see each other during our last stretch. As much as I don't like this, I know it is only going to make us stronger at this point. Our relationship has beaten the first hump of deployment so it is safer than ever to say we are going to be fine. Also, I am kind of glad I get to see him at the midpoint (or close enough) I will have a week with Joe and then only a few more months until he is back for good... and the point of the unknown begins.

Long Time No Post

It feels like forever since I have posted last. I ended up getting caught up in school work and being home for Easter that I some how managed to get lost in time. Sure, this isn't as long as some of my previous posts have been, but I was really diligent and consistent with these. Overall everything has been good, and in the Joe genera...he has been really cute and sweet lately. (more than usual) The most recent event was my dreaded Jr Reviews that took place. I had gone in expecting the worst, because I had heard bad things about the previous years, but it turned out to be great for most people and I had a very good time.

I had a dream last night that the review went extremely well, but I had no idea that it would actually follow through. Today went flawlessly. I woke up earlier than my alarm, I was ready over an hour before set up time, I had pulled everything together and had my review with three great teachers. During my (improvised) presentation, I had stated my strengths and weaknesses; my strength being images and type, and my weaknesses being image with type. I asked that this be the main focus on the critique and they had some very good feed back.

My favorite comment was Professor Chapman's response. He had stated that my image and type is like "me and you" and I want it to be "us." I had always known this, but never really thought about it like that. I had also enjoyed hearing Professor Fairbarin's remarks because she seemed to really like what I do with type, it is just when I add those darn images! Professor Ladd seemed to be very quiet, probably because he was the only design professor I had not had. He backed what the others had said and mentioned that it really would help if I worked on color, because the conflict I am having with image and type is mostly color based. They were also all very accepting to the fact that I enjoy illustration and saw this as a positive rather than the previous comments that I got because I enjoy it more than Graphic Design.

My answers could have been another source to this problem I had seen before. I told them that illustration is more of my hobby where Graphic Design is more of my career. This made a lot of sense to them and they really were supportive. They said that I have an extreme advantage and they are excited that I am stepping away from the computer and pushing more mediums. It was more than anything I had ever expected and it was really exciting to be able to tell Joe about a wonderful review. I just can't wait till I can tell him more stories later.

I realize that I am trying to focus a lot of motivation on how I will present it to Joe later. One of my focuses for Graphic Design is that I want Joe to see me knowing that I have accomplished my major and succeeding. The same thing is going with the running and I am really excited for him to see my improvement. I really look forward to when the weight loss seems even more impacted than it already is, I just wish I could speed up the process. Things seem to be working a bit faster now though.

An update on the running, I have apparently been doing the whole program wrong, so I am kind of playing this by ear at the moment. I am still progressing and pushing myself but I am unsure how to handle all of this. I am going to keep pushing forward, because I am really in to deep now.

Design Marathon and Friend

This weekend was as close to a Design Marathon as it gets. I don't know if I have mentioned my philosophy of not working on Saturday before, but do know that it exists. Since college has began, I have been faithful to this; no school work will be done between the last class on Friday and sometime during Sunday. In this I got my one break during a long week, but this weekend it became necessary to work on these nights so that way I could get ahead on some projects both in and outside of school.

My Graphic Design has been my main priority. I have even more to prove now than I did at the beginning of the desire. Over time I have worked on my homework just a little bit so I will be right on my mark for Tuesday. I have also worked on a drawing for a butterfly contest, a poster for the Graphic Design Senior show, and the recommendation letter for my internship that I have been putting off for months. I also ended up sending the essay for my Junior Review that is coming up in a couple weeks, and good thing I did because I did not know it was due tomorrow.

I have so much going on, but I am determined. I will figure out what I am going to do about Graphic Design and I will not come out of my meeting with a failing grade. I need to do well, and this will just push me stronger into the graphic designer that I truly am. I feel like I have grown so much this semester, especially with time management and my design focus. I am pushing myself to achieve this, because of my goals for when Joseph is away. This deployment is a time I can use to better myself...and I will.

Speaking of bettering myself, I am going to go on a tangent regarding my running. I have made a between phase to do until I feel ready for phase 4 (which may end up being Thursday) and it is going very well. What I have been doing wasn't very good for me because I was starting to get very frustrated, but I feel better with this between stage getting me ready for the next phase. I am alternating 3 min of walking/jogging (after the 5 min warm up) and I hope this will help get me ready for the 5 minute jog I will have to do in phase 4. I am still worried about this step and my mind is almost making a block. For some reason I don't want to believe I can run that far...but really I can jog three minutes with out qualms.

Back to the focus of this entry, I have also met one of the girlfriends of Joe's unit. She had contacted me because we both go to UMass and her boyfriend let her know of my existence and I think she is as glad as me to find someone who "understands." She is in a much rougher position than I am, but I hope I can help her out by relating. I will probably meet up with her soon and Joe made a wonderful suggestion of getting another unit-mate's sister to join us. He refereed to it as a mini FRG for UMass and I am currently titillating with this good idea. Right now though, I am going to focus on fixing my current Graphic Design delema and we will see where time takes me later.

Down

I am feeling a bit down today because I have found out that I am, for all practical purposes, failing my Graphic Design class. This would not bother me if I had done anything to deserve this grade, but my Professor cannot get my disk to work with her computers and because I gave her a "blank disk" I have an automatic failure in Project 1 (of three). I have made an appointment with her for Tuesday morning and we will resolve this issue then. Right now I plan on keeping on the down low for my family until I find out what is really going on.

My main goal for Tuesday is getting that disk to work on a computer. I don't care how many I need to try because know it worked before I gave it to her. The only thing that comforts me right now is that I had literally done everything in my power to make sure that disk was working before I gave it to her. In turn there was absolutely nothing, in all of my power, that could have prevented this error. If I show her the disk working in the labs there is no reason for her to mark me down; worse comes to worse, my computer has records that I haven't touched those files since 30 minutes before this project was due.

Besides what I know and how I can fix it. I am really freaking out. This is one of my worst fears and if this cannot be resolved I am behind a full year. My professor is about to see a side of me that I normally ration for the course of the school year. I am determined to get into Graphic Design V next semester, and I will. I am just really glad that she had told me about this before hand, and that I will be able to prepare myself for meeting with her. I am also thankful that I was able to talk to Joe today and he made me feel better.

Another fear that I have is that this is going to get blamed on the deployment. I can honestly say it has affected my schoolwork at a minimum and the only thing that was an issue was getting back into the rhythm of school. I am there now and am willing to work through my cursed spring semesters. This is twice now, and a pattern that is a pain in my butt. I am really getting tired of this crap happening to me, but honestly....there is no reason I should lose this program. I belong in the Graphic Design program and I will fight for it till I graduate!

Training Conflictions

After speaking with my father about strength and training in general. I wonder if the program I have been training is the right one for me. Dad stressed the running every day if I am going to get anywhere and basically was telling me how much weight I have gained "since Joe left." Really I don't know what to make of this. He has very good points, but him and my mom then argued with my grandmother when she asked me if I had lost weight.

This weekend, and all my time at home, has killed my confidence in the program. Last week in general, where I have brought myself up to square one, makes me question if I am trying hard enough with exercising. I have made it so I need to lose more than the easy one pound a week...and I feel kind of down about it. I really want to do this, but I am not sure if it is working in this way.

I see three options:

1. Start running every day. I can either do the program while doing this, or not. I do not hurt after my running sessions, so I can see this as a possibility. But the problem lies in if I hurt myself and if I end up getting myself tired of trying.
   
2. Keep to the program, but doing the core exercises that I had originally planned for my off days (but never started). This is something that I was told I "should" be doing from the beginning, and it will give me the extra days of exercising while not killing my running muscles.
3. Change nothing.
   

My biggest concern is still overwhelming myself, but I am finally getting to the end of that hump. I just need to remember to keep focus during times like this. Even though I know the exercising de-stresses me a bit, I still have trouble making myself do it. Maybe everyday will ease up, or maybe I should try and go further....T_T this really shouldn't be hard.

Down A Minute

This week has been filled with such good things and bad things. For one, I am pretty sure I have gained weight since last week. I have been eating like crazy and lost my iPod for some time (which is what I have been using to count calories). Overall I just feel fatter and really need to get back on the wagon about my weight, I am also thinking of starting the core exercises again, just to bump myself back into the game.

On the brighter note. Running outside for 1.1 mile I have cut down my time from 15:36 being my fastest mile to 14:29 being my official clock in for today. I feel better about this, but I feel as though my overall stamina isn't the same as it is on the treadmill. I think that this means that I run faster on pavement (most likely because the only reason I am running so slow on the treadmill is because I am programing it). I don't really know how I can moderate my speed more while still feeling like I am not just bouncy walking. I feel ok about this progress and look forward to going back to both my training and diet.

I just hope that I will be able to pull through with this. Every time I am getting close to losing I am pulling it away from myself. I need to pull more self control, while still maintaining my lack of stress. I decided that I am not even going to worry about the 5k. I am going to shoot for it and if it happens, it happens. I want to be able to know that I can run on my own first. I need to lose some weight and obtain my goal...I am still just scared of the outcome. I am afraid that I won't be happy with myself even when I am finished and go crazy about my weight. At the same time, I am afraid that I wont pull through and I will not be happy. I really just need to push forward and do this; I am running low on time!

Cake In A Jar

Today I had attempted the Cake-In-A-Jar and it, as far as I know, has become a success! I have cooked one in a traditional mason jar and another in some jars that my dad gets peppers in. One thing I had noticed is that the cooking instructions did not work out well for my rum cake. It had stated to cook for 15 minutes less than the stated cooking time (which would have ended up being 5 min!) and I ended up doing, at least, four 5 minute cycles. The recipe I had used, substitutions aside is here. I am looking forward to seeing how it ends up on Joe's end.

Another thing I am trying is using tomato juice as a face mask. My pores have been really large lately and after searching for home remedies I have found that tomato juice should work, and it has almost an immediate effect. In case it hasn't been noticed already, I am a HUGE fan of home remedies and things from scratch. I find that there isn't always a need for chemicals; note that I am not saying I am oppose to them, just that if I don't have to I don't see a point. Anyway, I use a cherry tomato and cut it in half. I then use about half for half my face...today I added salt to exfoliate a little...let sit for 20 minutes.

In other news, I really need to get back on my running. I ran for a mile on Tuesday, which ended up being one of my shortest times but with an irregular pace. I baked for most of today and somehow managed to eat a lot of sugary things in my tasting mode...I didn't end up running, but I am hoping to tomorrow. I also need to find the source of me not really losing anything and if I do need to exercise every other day, than I need to find a core workout that suites me.

On the Joe front, I am very happy that I am able to make another care package for him. It is kind of a vent for me and it makes me feel like I am helping him while he is away. However, today has been one of those days where I miss him a lot. I can't wait till he comes and sees me, even though I have NO idea when that will be. Waiting really sucks, but I keep in mind how he makes me feel and that neither of us have a choice in the matter. I have worked day by day and we have already gone through two months! I am now at the "stage" where the deployment is suppose to be getting easier. Considering how I haven't hit it that hard yet, I am thinking things are going to be fine...or at least the same.

Sister's House

I think my biggest issue is always going to lie in going back to my sister's house. I think I am associating her with junk food and I have eaten my way back to square one. This is very frustrating for me because I feel like I have been working so hard to get at 188 and now I find myself in a very fluctuating low 90s. I am so torn on what to do, because I wonder if my scale was even right at school, but it had to be; I just wish I didn't gain weight so quickly.

I have also found a way to lose my sight over the past couple days. This past month at school I have been focusing on watching my calories, and getting everything that I need to do. Now, I find myself lounging and eating. I ran on Sunday, but not as far as I could have. I feel weaker, and I feel like I haven't done anything in so long. I wonder if I am just draining myself. No matter what, I need to stop this and get back on my wagon.

I really want to lose this weight, and I am at that point where I would normally start teetering off and halting. Knowing this, I am hoping that I can stop it. I am kind of at a scary part of this and I don't know how badly I am actually doing. I don't want to convince myself I have screwed myself over, but at the same time I don't want to fall into a false comfort. The main thing I think I need to do is regain my vision. Without my drive I will never do this!

Almost Four

I find it ironic that when I am finally about ready for phase four, I have to go home for spring break. Right now the plan is still to start it the Thursday after we get back to school (25th) and all I can really hope for is that I won't get too far behind from being home. Overall my plan is to run around a course I have made for myself and that is about a mile. I will do the five minute warm up then go for as long as I can. It is going to be strange and hard not doing the intervals, but I don't feel like paying attention to time.

Another event for spring break is my full intention to make Joe's second care package. His birthday is on Tuesday and I will be attempting the cake-in-a-jar so that way he will be able to have a birthday cake. I will of course, let ya'll know how that goes. However I am still afraid that my mom is going to back out on letting me do this, and worst case scenario not letting me make the care package. It feels weird saying this as a 20 year old, but until I don't need her to fund it...I am at her bidding.

Overall I have been ready for spring break for DAYS. This has been a long week and I still have to finish my Art History midterm that I am basically forcing myself to do. I am so happy I have a break, and will use the time to get a few projects done. The main focus is bringing myself to go out in the cold and run...

Procrastination

It seems like lately I am using all my will to get my school work done. We have a take home midterm for Art History and words cannot describe how much I want to put off the readings that I have already put off all semester. The midterm is due Friday, so I have been baby-stepping through out the past couple days. I know I will really need to get cracking soon, but right now this pace is the best I can do.

Joe's schedule is also starting to come forward and I should be able to talk to him most days around midday. This is very exciting for me because I have an official estimate and it is during the day; on the downside, some of our conversations will have to be during my classes. The good news is, this is nothing I haven't done before. Seat crits on lab days means that I only see the teacher for a short period of time and I just look like the crazy girl talking to herself.

I have also been asked my preference on Joe's leave. At first I had told him I didn't care (which I honestly don't...seeing him is awesome enough) but after thinking it through I had told him I would prefer November if it has to be during next semester. A part of me is thinking that it is longer than I want it to be, but at the same time...November is our anniversary and if I hold out a bit longer than I had originally wanted to request I don't need to wait three years before we finally get to be together to celebrate it. It never really is important for me to do things on the exact date that they happen, but it never hurts. Also, this is within a few months of him coming home and I would imagine that being easier on me.

I will be smart about this though. I am fully aware how things end up working. Also Merphy's Law is never good for me in the short term. Wishful thinking brings me to my conclusions. There is also the fact that my original due date for me losing my weight was on our anniversary and, should that be when I see him, I should be close to done! With this timing, I will also not be able to procrastinate with the weight loss plan.

Three Bad Days for Food

For the past three days I have gone over my initial calorie budget and I am unsure how I feel about it. Overall I am a bit disappointed in myself for the fact that three days in a row I have gone over, but at the same time I am okay with the issue and feel like I can just keep it from happening again. In the defense Sam is giving me, Joe just got sent to Kuwait, however she did promise me that she would keep me from eating my feelings...I don't think that is my reason, more than my excuse.

Some very good things have happened over this time though. I am working on drinking more water because I have not been drinking anything. I am literally at a dehydrated state, so I feel this will help in the long run. Also, I was able to hear from Joe and the internet is coming in nicely. I wasn't expecting to hear from him at all and I got a call and a video chat! Needless to say, my day was made.

Things I am looking forward to are Joe getting into a routine and spring break. When we know what shift he has, and what times he has off, Joe and I can work out when we can talk with each other. Also, spring break I am hoping a letter will come in and I will be able to make Joe's birthday carepackage! I also am getting to the need a break portion of school. At the same time, I worry about my running and stopping the habit. I need to stay focused!

Officially Deployed

Today marks the first day that Joe is officially deployed. As I have written before, he has been training in Ft. Sill for the past few weeks; now the training is over and his section is off to Kuwait. I don't know how I am suppose to be feeling again. I feel like everyone is still tip-toeing around me, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Ultimately, I still feel like normality is the most important thing for me. When everyone around me is sad like this, I want to start look deeper.

My sister had made a comment a couple days ago about me not wanting to deal with my emotions. In a way this is true, but at the same time I have dealt with them, and now I am ready to move forward. Essentially I have been taking the meditative approach (learned in yoga) of taking the thought and (eventually) letting it go. I see two options, I can let Joe's deployment consume me, or I can make myself better from it. I just wish I could find a way to let everyone else know that without actually saying it.

Overall I am still trying to focus on school and exercise. I have gotten to the point where the running does affect how I feel. I can almost see how people can say that it is a stress reliever, because it is satisfying to know I am improving. Though I am crawling to say the best.

I have decided to stay on phase three till the end of next week, trying out phase four right before Spring Break. This way, I can know where I stand and really nail those last three minutes. I am going to try and run during break, but I am afraid of how the elements will wear on me. I think I should continue, but if I do it will be a 1.1 mile run. I am going to set it up for walking 5 min and then trying to run the rest...again we will see.

Another thing I am crawling at is the weight loss. I keep teetering between 188 and 190 and it has been this way for almost a week. I have chosen the method I have because this will have the least impact on my skin and body (aka I don't want to have saggy skin). This is supposedly the "right" way to lose weight, but it kind of sucks. I will keep to it because at the end of this deployment is when I am really going to notice the results. It is just frustrating to have been running and watching calories (not as successful with counting) and not plummeting. I do know if I want that it will require a steeper diet and more exercise....honestly, screw that.

Easier

So many things have suddenly become easier today...

I had realized a couple of days ago that I had been doing phase 3 of running backwards for the past three weeks. After finding this out, I had decided to run today in the program that it was always suppose to be; I had no idea how much of a difference the system would be in the right order. All this time I had been struggling where I could have worked in a much easier pace. Now I am unsure whether or not to start phase 4 on Thursday, so we will see how well I do on my Tuesday run.

Also, I had a talk with Joe today. Lately I have been worrying about how things would be when he got back from Kuwait. I don't want to be left behind as a low priority and last semester's crap will not fly again! I had mentioned all my worries, and I feel like Joe was waiting for this day...he also knew something was wrong because I haven't been sleeping. This weekend more than through most of this deployment. He had assured me that there is nothing to worry for and of the circumstances that lay behind last semester. I know these worries will come up again, but I am really glad we talked.

I think my communication skills with Joe are very good considering our age. I also don't think people realize that when problems arise we face it head on. This is something I still need to work on (mainly because it is hard for me) but I think Joe appreciates that I say what is bothering me, followed by why and the way it affects me. We send these conversations back and forth and I find it useful because it is important for us to realize where the other is coming from. I do not think we would last without us having these talks.

In a couple of days Joe will be officially deployed. His training is finishing up and they are getting ready for Kuwait. I am hoping I will see him on his two week leave, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed if it can't happen. I am taking Joe's thought of not too many plans because of Murphy's Law. To be honest, this is really going to be a hard year; it already is. I think I have taken for granted the time that he has to speak with me now...and as always fear the changes that this new stage will bring.

On a positive note, My first month and a half is done. I have made it this far and now there are only a few more months to go. This is the hardest part, and I am ready to take it head on. I will still use my time to focus on school and I am excited to graduate next year. I am still running and doing pretty well with it (considering a month ago I could barely handle the minute of jogging and now I can do three), I can see myself at my weight goal when Joe comes home and I like it. This could be the Midol talking, but I am feeling a lot more positive than I was this morning.

Power, Phase 3, and the "Beard Hat"

Today was a unique day at school. I ended up having my Graphic Design class canceled due to my teacher being sick and had just an hour of classes. However the most interesting part of my day was when the power went out around 7:30 and only came back on a little more than an hour ago. Seems like there was a near by car accident that killed the power through most of the neighborhood and area...some are saying the whole town, but I doubt that.

Because classes ended so early, I was also able to run a earlier today. Yet another day of totally not being up for it, but the first day I had completed the last 3 minute run in the program. Now looking back, in my excitement, I had forgotten the last 90 seconds...I was pretty proud of my achievment (finally completing a round of phase 3) until now, none the less, I did finish the last 30 seconds and am now aware that I need to pay better attention!

Finally I am in a search for a pattern for a beard hat, preferably as close to these as possible. I have found other patterns, but it just isn't the same. I like how clean this comes out and how it has a separation to the pieces that pulls the form together. The others are cool, but I find this one brilliant!

Phase Three Frustration

I really am starting to feel like I am going to be on Phase 3 forever! It has been decided, again, that I will be going on another week of this. The last 3 minute run is just not working out for me, and I need to build up that strength before I can move forward. I can see this taking till after spring break, and although I hope not, I will be okay with that. What I would really like to do is be on phase 4 by next week so that way I can do it before and after break...because I still am unsure how I am going to run during. Most importantly I am not going to let myself be discouraged because it is only that last three minutes and I am definably improving!

Still A Trend

Some how the being upset on days that Joe isn't able to contact me is still a trend...this is still a very strong coincidence. It is almost strange, like deep down I know I am not going to hear from him. However, I don't like how the upset manifests. As I posted last night, or early this morning, my no crying trend has come to a halt. I made it over 40 days with out incident, but last night I was really feeling down.

I still don't know how I should feel about that. A part of me wants to feel as though I have failed, and the other feels like I should have done this sooner. I don't want Joe to think I don't care because he doesn't see this extent of my emotion, but I am sure he knows it is there. Some say I should show him, but he is busy when it happens and I really don't want him to have to worry about me. At the same time, I want him too a little bit. I see this as only being a month in, he isn't in Kuwait yet and I have a long way to go. I just need to make sure this whole feeling upset thing doesn't become a daily routine. Staying productive will keep me sane, plus I am not the one who has to work every day!

I just hope Joe and his unit will have a safe and happy deployment. As I told Joe the last time I saw him, I want them to just do their job and come home.

And this ruined my trend.....

First cry 44 days.....I guess that isn't bad

I’m a military girlfriend

I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be

I am at the bottom of the chain, I hold no military ID card

I am not a “dependent” or a parent

The man I love may face unspeakable dangers

And I am at the mercy of those who possess

This recognition for news, I understand and accept this

I am a military girlfriend, I have promised to be here

For him upon his return, no matter how long he is away

People may say that im insane for making such a commitment

With no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises

And have faith that he will come home safe to me

I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times

I am a military girlfriend

There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment

Though I love him no less for it

I hope everyday that he will be able to call

Because a simple 30-second phone call

Can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions

Smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain

My relationship is based on a brief communication where

“I love you and I’m ok” speaks more than volumes

And gives me strength to keep going

I am a military girlfriend

I take no moment spent together for granted

I hold on to every touch

Caress, kiss, every word I have memorized

The feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice

And I play it over and over again in my head so I will not forget

I cry myself to sleep some nights

Because missing him hurts so badly

But I wake up the next morning

Brush myself off and start a new day

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months/

years hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance

When you watch the news reports, you may walk away

And go about your business relatively unaffected

When I watch the news stories of the war

I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away

I see individuals who will forever be changed by war

News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness

I am a military girlfriend. Not a spouse or a family member

When you say you prayers for the husbands and wives,

Mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, Sons and daughters,

please don’t forget me.

Fearful Night

It is an extremely honest statement when I say this is one of my lower nights. Not only am I struggling still with phase 3 of running, but I have also sparked a fear of my future. Not knowing what is going to happen when Joe comes back from his deployment is one of the scariest things I have to deal with. In a strange way, I fear that when he is going to school again he is going to float away and forget about me. I am terrified that I will deal with this long distance thing for years and only to have it be (for lack of other words) wasted.

I am a firm believer in us pulling through anything, but that doesn't stop my fears. Another issue is the possibility of being uprooted for where ever Joe can have a job...something that I can only hope wont be an issue in the future. Then there is the fear that I will fade away from Joe, I know I wont but I don't want to wake up one day and no longer care. I am a patient woman, but....grrrrrr.

My instincts tell me this will all be resolved and okay around the time Joe comes home. We will come out of this stronger. Tonight I feel lonely and my fear is that it will continue past its desired expiration date. Pretty much I expect that it will, everything is easier that way. Plus, logically there are parts of both of our lives that need to be resolved...and the resolve needs to happen on its own time!

Close to having my first cry, haven't decided if I am going to let it happen yet...

Glad for the Weekend

This has been a very busy week. I had spent such a long time catching up on Graphic Design homework I didn't really know what to do with myself. Originally I had gotten behind in the class because I didn't have a strong enough topic to work on the assignment. Now that I have I am finally refining the informative images into a website...and I must say, it is coming along nicely.

Regarding running, tech, I ended up not going all of the days for this week. Because of Valentines Day, I ended up missing the run because the gym was closed. Then, because of Ash Wednesday (and Graphic Design) I ended up missing the gym along with a couple classes! Thursday was just stressful, but I forced myself along. Although I am doing better in phase three, the last three minute run I am still struggling with. I can make it to two minutes, but that is as far as I can go at the moment. I am hoping that I will have it down and comfortable by next week, but this is not likely.

I don't know whether or not to be frustrated or proud. I am running so much better than I did at the beginning of the semester and yet I am struggling on a phase. Deep down I really want this to be easy, but I know I am going to have to work hard for this. I am going to meet my goals of being able to run a 5k and I am going to lose the weight I want to lose. I know this and I am still struggling to work through the urge to feel like I have failed.

I am really glad that I am surrounding myself with people who understand my situation and are trying to help me. My friends are being conscientious of my not going crazy with my calories and they are also knowing that Joseph is away and my time with him on the phone/online is very important to both of us. I think everyone is glad that I am pushing myself through, and I don't think I would be ok as I am now if I didn't think about all the things that could and would happen. I spent a majority of the pre-deployment time mentally preparing and finding out exactly what I want.

I still find accomplishment in the fact that I haven't cried, but I do acknowledge that the day will come. I find every time I get upset it gets a little more deep, but at the same time I am getting upset a bit less lately. However, I am wondering if the energy is being diverted into my patience with people. I let a lot of things go because they weren't a big enough deal....now I see myself getting short fused when people are pissing me off. Not enough to really freak out on them, but enough to make me be a bit more bold and less tactful.

I have not decided if this is a good or bad thing yet.

Phase 3

I had started phase 3 of Couch-to-5k on Thursday, but because of the gym schedule, ended up making this week with MWF being my running days (normally TRSun). However, this time frame will be back to normal next week.

For the first time in the program I am actually struggling a bit. I can run up to the second set, which starts off with a 3 minute run. Although I can do every other part, I can only get two of those three. Today's factor could have been from the last 60 seconds of a 90 second going at 6.5...but I really couldn't help myself. I am not too concerned, but I do believe that I will be on this phase through next week. I just hope I am not upset when Thursday comes and I do not start a new phase!

Kristen is telling me that I am still going too fast and if I just slowed down that I would be able to do what I am struggling with, but that just feels dirty. I am really comfortable jogging 5.2 to 5.5 mph (running at 6.5) any slower and I feel like I am just bouncing in a walk. I could work through this comfort issue, but the only part that bothers me is that I haven't gotten to the next phase as quickly as I would have hoped. I still need to remember I have plenty of time. I don't need to be able to sustain a 2 mile until spring break (if that) and I don't need to sustain a 5k till June. My main focus is being able to run City Park by the time summer break comes along. At that point, I will no longer have the gym.

Weight wise, I am right on track. I have had a bad week calorie wise, but it isn't an important count for me. Yesterday I weighed in at 188 and even though I want this to lose faster, I do want to do it in a healthy way. I want to lose about a pound a week. Under a 50 week plan, I should be done by November. At that point I will work on refining and finding my natural body weight.

I am really happy with myself for keeping with my focus. Today I am finally feeling really good again. My designs are a reflection upon this, however I am still VERY behind on Graphic Design and still have much work for Typography. These classes were clearly not made to be taken at the same time...and I am not happy about having to retake a class that I did fine in! I thought of using this negative drive, but really I need to look at this as a learning experience...and do the best I can!

V-day p2

My spirits are rising up and I finally received my present from Joseph today! To be honest...it is adorable. The package arrived at my house this morning and ended up being brought to UMass around 5. Inside I received a dozen roses, a bear, chocolate and some scented things, but my favorite part was the card Joseph had written to me. An excerpt is "Even though we are a part I still love you with all my heart..." that is just cute, and again he racks up his "man points."

Aside from the usual Valentine's Day routine, I was really sad to find out the gym is closed today. However, I do plan to make this time up tomorrow and reschedule my week so the times will readjust themselves. Also, I am a bit sad about this week and going over my calories so much, then again...it isn't a big deal. I really just want to run tomorrow, and as long as I do that, I am happy.

Valentines Day

Technically it is already Valentines Day, but I really won't count it until I wake up in the morning. However, I still didn't expect to feel the tinge of sadness that I am starting to get. It is easy to forget about these "important" days when I can bury them away, but I have been seeing so many people preparing and making plans; this doesn't make me resentful, I just wish that Joe could be here. I am really hoping I hear from him tomorrow, however I think this is one of those instances where I am better off expecting not to (and being excited when I do).

It really has only been two days since I have spoken to him, but it is having an effect on me emotionally. This moment has really only happened during the times I normally would talk to him, but it is still sad when the time comes where I know he won't be able to call. I know that I need to focus more on the fact that this really hasn't been a long time, but I can't help but miss him. I look at all the people around me getting ready for their V-day plans and all I can hope for is that they don't underestimate the time they get to share with each other.

If there is one thing that I have gotten out of my relationship with Joseph, not even just the deployment, is that the time people spend with their significant others is sometimes unappreciated. I am not going to lie, I try to get back to my room by 8 almost every night hoping that Joe will be online and I do not find this time wasted. I envy the cuddling that friends, like Sam, get to do on a daily basis. And even though it is offered, I do not want to cuddle with them and it seems like they don't understand. It just isn't the same. The cuddle I want will come (assuming something happens and I don't see Joe during his leave) in a year.

The distance we have had over the last 8 months has prepared us for the past month. We have already trained ourselves in distance. We have trained ourselves in patience. Now I look forward to next year (even though that is the time of the unknown) when my goals will be completed and Joe will be home. Right now, I am just feeling lonely, but this will pass. I hold on to love I am given and know most of my path ahead. However, just because I am aware of my situation, does not make it easier.

Donate

Ever since my time donating with the Rhode Island Blood Center, I have been hesitant to donate blood. It was an overall bad first experience; they blew out my arm and the woman was very rude to me about her mistakes. Because of this, I had been trying to decide whether or not I was going to go to the Red Cross blood drive at school. I decided to plan my day as if I were and it turns out I was dedicated to donating. The Red Cross did a magical job. They were patient and understanding, but most importantly...they stuck me right the first time excellently.

Another accomplishment of today was during my running. As you know, I am working on couch to 5k and on phase 2. During this section I am unsure what to do for the left over minute (5 min walk, then 90sec run/2 min walk for 20 min); the last few times I used this for jogging. This time, I decided to mix things up and jog at 6.5 mph instead of my normal 5.5...I was happy that I made it through the entire minute and didn't even feel tired!

Overall I am happy. I am also glad that I am going through a good patch of time again; I really do not like the bad times. Now I just need to get to emailing a whole bunch of people to find out what is going on with arrangements I have made previously. I look forward to my time passing quickly again.

The Ju-Ju

Since the beginning of the semester, I have had a hard time finding my artistic "ju-ju." (pronounced joo-joo) I have also wondered why I was having difficulty because during this intersession I was able to design a very nice logo. What I really saw the issue in was figure drawing; it had been so long, I am still working on getting where I was almost a year ago. I have also re-reminded myself, I have the potential to blow my teacher's minds.

The "potential" is really where I have always had an issue. Everyone had said I have potential to do better (which is true), but how was I suppose to find it. It wasn't even till now that I finally realized why I do so much better when my design isn't my school work. Even though it was already known, I do better because I am not trying to please for grades. I am well aware that working for a client is to please them, but there is something about that report card that freaks me out. I do not ever want a repeat of my seventh grade year at school. I literally failed everything, and it wasn't even because I couldn't pass. Really, with the exception of math (teacher didn't teach things that were on the tests), I am not even sure how I was able to do so poorly. I had somehow managed to get to the mentality that this would never happen again, but the downside is I have a "I'm going to fail" freak out every semester.

This, I'm guessing, is what is blocking me up in design. I know I have read Art and Fear, grasping a lot from it, but there is still more I need to get from my artmaking. I need to realize that not every idea is going to come easily, and to accept the help from the people close to me. Before, I would have a brilliant idea and if I saw something similar I would throw it away. Now I am runing through with it and trying to push my limits. Much like I am physically with this whole running thing. One of my goals for this deployment is becoming a better designer, and now I am honing those skills and relocating my mojo (ju-ju).