Dreams

It is amazing how realistic your dreams can become when you really want something. This afternoon, I was taking a short nap (to be honest I never planned on falling asleep) and I ended up with a dream where I woke up and my large body pillow had turned into Joseph. This of course was followed by a couple more dreams of me waking up, and then me...waking up.

My subconscious knows how much I miss him, even though I hold it down in my daily life. I still feel like this is a good decision. I try and focus on the time we have, and will have, together instead of the time we are having apart. Thinking about it, I really don't bring the subject up much. Really here is the only place, because I have always wondered if there was anyone else that wrote about what they were going through. I haven't found it yet, but I really hope I do.

In other news, I have learned that I am not one for doing core exercises on my own. I went to the gym today with Sam, and while she did the elliptical, I tried using the ball and working on some abs. Issue being, I am unsure how to use the ball. I plan on seeing the personal trainer available on campus and finding out which routine I should be using for my off running days...we will have to wait and see how that goes.

Finally, I really, REALLY miss my boyfriend.

Lose It

The first week of school has gone swimmingly! As I may (or may not) have posted, I started off the school year with a 100 degree fever and vomiting (natural temp around 97). I had originally taken this as a bad omen for the year, but I walked through it and went to classes. The only thing that I had skipped out on is the gym, for fear that I would only worsen my condition. This, of course, had made me feel horrible about my goal of losing weight and running. I had been sick and tired...just not wanting to move. When I did regain most of my energy it was Wednesday and the gym was full by the time I got there. Luckily, I went with Sam and I ended up taking a small walk with her. So I did do something.

I don't think I would have been going to the gym again if it wasn't for Sam. When we went again yesterday the gym was full, but Sam wanted to wait an hour and go again. This time we made a better plan of attack, no more going at 6...my old beloved time! The only problem was today, when we went at four the gym was almost full, but the lack of elliptical forced me to start running the first part of couch to 5k. I am not starting the first week though, I just did it before Monday/Tuesday because I had no better option. Needless to say, I did better than I had expected. I had finished the one mile mark a little over 16 minutes in, which was a step from the last time I ran (last semester) and clocked in at 18 min. Though I was excited because I had added another 150 calories to my daily budget.

I am not on a "diet" exactly, but I am trying out this iphone/pod app, called Lose It!, that gives me a custom budget of calories based on how many pounds I want to lose per week. What I liked about it was that it had a lot of name brand foods already plugged in and you can put in new foods that you eat. There are also options by how much you should eat to maintain the same weight and so on... My favorite was that I don't really need to exercise all the time doing this and I could need a different amount of calories each day. Most importantly, this app was free!

I will admit, I am not being anal about this. I haven't plugged in any of my drinks, including the juices I have been drinking all week, and I am not worrying about it. I am still trying to remain low stress, but I am also glad I had taken the extra step and started watching my calories... Though, it feels weird saying that because I really am not doing much different, just being aware. My official start date is Monday, but as you can tell I have done a bit of early testing. I am really trying to just stay focused on the outcome and hoping that the goal dates will follow through.

Back At School

It feels really good to be back at school, but I have found that it came with another wave of wanting to cry. I know it is "okay to cry" but I really want to put it off as long as possible. I have this strange thing in my head that maybe I can completely put it off throughout this whole deployment. However, I realize this goal is completely unrealistic and I am currently an emotional time bomb.

Maybe "bomb" isn't the most appropriate word. It isn't as though I am going to completely flip a lid, just boil over my emotions a little bit. Really my rationalization is that I have no reason to cry. In this day and age, I can talk to Joe on a daily basis. I would imagine myself 50 years ago having a true reason for worry. Also, there is a pretty good chance this will not be my first deployment; I pretty much set my standards with this one. An insensitive way of putting it is, this is the test of our relationship. I feel as though we are well prepared. Mainly I wonder how school is where these emotions really start bubbling up. I have been able to bury it for so long when everyone is around, I wonder if my long sought "alone time" could be the culprit.

Of course I worry, but overall I am still doing well. The problem really is, I worry that I am not handling this right and that what I am feeling isn't normal. It isn't a big of enough deal to keep me up at night, but I almost feel bad that I am not completely slugging about. At the same time I am using positive thinking and convincing myself that the deployment isn't a big enough of a deal, and I still have a long way to go...

Tomorrow is only the two week mark, and I have gone much longer without seeing Joe...I am working on reminding myself of that.

Video Chat

Today I have had my first deployment video chat, and I must say it was quite enjoyable. It makes me so happy to be able to see Joseph's face again. It makes our conversations seem less distant. This time all of his roommates were also around, so I got to interact more with the guys in his unit. He also got my package today, and they all got to enjoy some sweets :D

I must say, the most joy I can find in this deployment, I find in the care packages. I like to imagine the smile on Joe's face when he gets it, when he opens it up. I also overheard him sharing and boasting and that also made me smile.

In case this doesn't show through in my writing, I am in a really "bubbly" mood today. I give the credit to midol and I am on the happier stage of my period. This is the day I am normally full of estrogen and joy...literally. Joe noticed this as well, but really I was more excited about being able to see him. I am really grateful for today's technology. I think about the times where the men and women would not hear from their significant other for weeks, and here I am talking to my boyfriend every day.

I am excited for when he comes home, and I pray that this mood lasts for a long time. Though, I do think this mood surprises everyone...including myself

Home and School

It is good to be home, but I really can't wait until I am back at school. I feel like I am not getting anything done here and the only goal I am really obtaining is my need for a positive attitude. All I am really looking forward to is the weight loss start, and my sister still highly recommends couch to 5k. Overall, it seems as though the summer 5k may actually happen, though I am still unsure of that decision.

All I know is that, out of all my goals, I will feel most accomplished with losing my excess weight. I need to be more comfortable with myself and this is my venue. School is where I will start this goal and I need to remember to stay focused...School is my second home

Last Teenage Post

This post is officially the last one that I will make as a teenager. Tomorrow is my birthday and I will finally be 20. I feel like the days leading up to my birthday have been long, but time is starting to pass quickly again. Definably something I am looking forward to.

There is a small part of me that feels like I am going to be missing out on a "party" this year, but I think it is because I know that next year is going to be hopping at Foxwoods. I still have a dream that Joe will be able to make it to that, but if he doesn't we can go another time! Besides that, I plan on having some nice Chinese food tomorrow and then pack to go home. Wednesday is the small get together at my house, then I go back to school on Sunday!

Tired

For the past couple of days I have been really tired. I don't know if it is the environment, the temperature, or if I am just PMSing but I am really not pleased with the outcome of this week.

I would also say that it could be all the walking that I have been doing, but I am really only walking to keep myself from going to sleep. I become more tired after meals, but I am still tired all of the past couple days. Given last night I didn't sleep well, I still feel drained. I was also in an exceptionally bad mood for today. Most recently, I have been trying to find out if there were any emotional causes to my fatigue. It is true that I am still going through my not going to cry stage, but I really don't feel that much of an urge right now. I keep thinking to my past and future with Joe and that is where I am finding my contentment. I know you are not suppose to fantasize about the homecoming, but that is something that I need. What keeps me in my okay state is knowing that Joe is going to be home.

I feel like I am over-analyzing everything. In my mind I am searching for any signs that I may be losing my grip, so that way I can plug the hole before it starts leaking over. It would be foolish of me to say that there isn't a small part of me freaking out, but the stronger part of me knows what it needs to do. People go through this all the time, and I am in a day and age where the communication bridges are no where near as hard.

I just hope this is all PMS so in a couple of days I will have my energy back and I can not have to worry about obtaining my goals. Speaking of which, I have never listed them officially! Below is a list of my goals for Joe's deployment.

1. Weigh 140, or less, when Joe comes home (steady date Nov 14)
2. Deans list all Semesters
3. Refine design skills
4. Run 5k by summer break
5. Low stress/anxiety
6. Keep a positive attitude

I want to add another one in there about refining my violin skills, but I am not sure when I will be able to take the violin to school. Overall I want to learn new songs for both violin and viola but these are things I am doing anyway. I also plan to do some crocheting as well as reading. The above are just the more important goals for me. The 5k will make sure I continue running and exercising throughout the summer. I just don't want this experience to drain me like the stories I have read!

Scared

I have noticed over the past couple of days, after I talk to Joe, I get a bit scared over this deployment. In my mind, I see this as a blink in time as well as forever away. As I have said before, nothing scares me as much as not knowing what is going to happen when he gets home. I have no idea when I will see him and no idea what will be going on. I fear that our time apart will extend and eventually he just won't find me as a priority to visit. However, I do understand that this is an irrational fear. We had so much time together in the beginning, and now we don't have any for a while. It is strange to see this happening, but it is good that it is happening now. This is what will make us stronger and once I make it through this deployment I will feel more confident about the ones to come. My fears are really within what some people expect from me.

While others know that Joe and I can make it through this, some feel that I am going to either cheat on him or dump him midway. I know this is hard, but I really don't see this happening. Joe and I have a strange relationship, but I really enjoy it. There is something about when we are together that makes us do great things. I think we bring out the best in each other and that isn't something you can just find everyday. Part of me is so insecure, but in my heart I know I need to trust that everything is going to be okay.

Another part of today's contribution is that he will have 4 days off in February, which he will be spending in Delaware. I completely understand this, he has not really seen his brother and getting to me would be more hassle and time that actually seeing me. I have done my goodbye and it could also become hard for me with seeing him after mentally preparing for a longer time. I have given him my blessing, but at the same time a part of me screams for more attention. I am just glad that Joe is honest with me and told me his plans so I didn't find out from another source and freak out. I told him my request is that he makes time for me when he comes home from deployment, and he is working on those plans...

These conflicting emotions are what is making me have those couple hours of hardship in my day. Other than this, I am really feeling good about my emotional state. As I see it, Joe will be home soon and why would I give him up for wanting to be with him? I see where this same question could cause problems, but I am willing to deal with them then. If I do not feel like I am being set high enough, I will make my situation known. I fear this will be an issue, but I trust that it is not. Also, on an unrelated note, I have made some pretzel things for Joe (pretzil, hershey kisses, and m&ms recipe here), that are going to be sent for before he leaves for Kuwait. I made them red, which was for the transportation core (and apparently Joe's favorite!) and I plan to send them tomorrow.

I really enjoy the letters and care packaging part of the deployment. It feels really good to do something for Joe that I know will make him smile. It gives me time to think of our times together and almost feels like us time. I only wish I could do it more...

Not Knowing

It is the story of my life lately, and yet I still don't know what is going on. I am not use to this, but it is a path I have accepted since this whole deployment situation came up. More directly, I think I am going back to school in the spring, but I am so afraid that I am going to get excited and it is going to be taken away...I don't really know what to think. However I do feel like everything is going to work out.

I am putting a lot of faith in this next year. To my understanding Joe will be coming back next February, but I am unsure if I heard him correctly. This is a slight disappointment because I always saw him coming home in November, but this is nothing I had not already anticipated. It really was an unrealistic hope, but I held to it. This date also makes more sense than the others, I just can't wait till he finishes his job and comes home.

One thing I wasn't expecting was having it hit home so much when he gave me the number of days he had left. Not that I didn't feel like this deployment was real, it just affected me a little bit more than I expected. It was a twinge of depression that I don't want to feel again. I am also a bit upset with myself for not starting to do something about my weight yet, but I never really was going to do anything till I got to the gym at school. An upside to Joe being gone for as long as he may, is that I will have more time for my goal weight (140). I will keep my finish date to our anniversary (made before I had any idea when he would be coming home) and will spend those last couple months refining my work.

My real concern to him coming home in February, is that I don't know when I would be able to see him. This will be my last semester of school and I really hope that I do not have a lot of work. I was really counting on intersession to have some real time with him, but I guess I can also have him stay with me at school. That would actually be kind of nice, I just hope to keep focus...another thing is it is his mom's birthday that month. My guestimate is the day before! This means I will back down for any time his mother wants to spend with him, granted he comes and sees me ASAP afterward. So this could be, his homecoming and then goodbye for a few days...but again, I don't know and am guessing!

At the moment, I really don't want to know. We are still in the first week of deployment and all these things are still able to change. He could stay longer, he could stay shorter. My understanding of the situation can be totally off...I just don't want to get my heart set on something then have it taken away.

What I do know is that I would really like to see him if he gets the two weeks leave. Joe is afraid that it will be too hard on me to see him again only for him to go, but I think it would be harder knowing that I could have seen him and didn't. Honestly, I have a full understanding that he would be leaving. I don't think magic is going to happen and they are going to be telling him to just stay home...that is unrealistic!

In case it hasn't been noted I have a lot on my mind. My parents are talking about the possibility of them moving (after I graduate) and they are seeing where. I am pushing Arizona a bit because of my friends there and the fact that they will be near Joe's family. Also, should Joe and my path force me there I will have family too. Mentioning again I really, REALLY don't want to live there...it is hot. Legit the only reason is I hate the heat and my home is here. I have always imagined me in a nice RI or Mass home...but yet again, I am unsure where life is taking me.

Now I ride out my year.

On a side note I have written his first mailed letter...now to mail it...

Screw 2010

At this point this year can "suck it." On top of Joe being deployed today, my father has lost his job and I don't know whether or not I will be attending school in the coming semester. Really I don't know what is going on, but my plans are spiraling downwards. I need to keep a positive out look and it is taking all I have at the moment. I just hope everything works out for the best.

The thing that really concerns me is that school was my haven for Joe being gone. It is where my friends are, where my successes are, and where I would be able to accomplish the goals I have set for this deployment. My thought now, come up with a "plan b" because that is all I have.

Final Farewell

Today was the final farewell between me and Joseph until he deploys. Surpisingly enough, it seems that all that "positive thinking" crap that I have been working on is paying off. Not only was I able to leave Joe without crying, but I also seem to be in a really ok place right now. I feel like there are two paths in front of me, and I chose the one that will make this year turn for the better.

I see the goals I need to reach and all of the plans I have put into motion for this year. I will work hard and stay strong because I am pretty sure that is what is needed from me. Most importantly I will be there for my boyfriend.

Our goodbye time was strong. He comforted me with assurance that everything will be fine and he will be safe because my thoughts are with him. Thinking about this, I am putting my trust in his assurances and honoring them by being okay. I still wonder if this is a good decision only because I don't want people to think this means I don't care. I love Joseph and already miss him, but being upset isn't going to help me pass the time in the coming year.

I guess now...I wait

Too Soon

I feel like time has creeped up on me again. Later this morning, Joe is officially on duty and on Monday he will be going for training, making him in deployment. It turned out that I wasn't able to see him this week, however I do plan on seeing him on Saturday.

Now I am just not sure what to be feeling. In theory, today he is deployed, but at the same time he isn't till Monday and I will be seeing him tomorrow. My emotions keep going through a roller coaster of feeling upset and being fine. To be honest, as long as I hold normality, I am fine. What really concerns me is the emotional spur that I know is coming.

The strongest emotion right now is fear. I don't know what is going to happen after this year, but everything will work out. Not knowing is always my biggest problem in situations. Even now, knowing that I am going to see Joe in a day makes me feel better. Like even he says, you can plan for things you know. Mainly we will see how I am doing after our goodbyes.

Waiting To Know

I am still worry about these little things that I cannot control, but the biggest issue running through my mind seems to be whether or not I am going to see Joe before he get's deployed. This really seems like an issue I can bury inside me, but as I see it mentioned on the news and as I hear people trying to help, the issue comes up again. Really I don't know what to do, we are working to find a way to see each other and I should find hope in that, but at the same time I feel like I should plan against it. This is really my strongest method of dealing with things. By accepting the worst outcome, things going my way end up being a pleasant surprise.

I still feel like I am holding on strong. However, it needs to be realized that Joe hasn't officially left yet. Until the 8th comes along, or even the 11th, he is still somewhat around. I look at my lowest low and it still isn't that bad, I just hope I don't have Joe leave me in tears. A strange goal, but I don't want to have him feel worse about going. Plus, he is only gone for a year and he will be home soon....

Snow

I have never really been angry at the snow before. In fact, I have always held it in high regards. It seems that the weather was not on my side today as I tried to make it to Joseph's going away event. Now I fear that the last time I will have seen him for a year will be when my family dropped him off yesterday. I had a feeling I should have had a just in case good bye, but I figured the "see you tomorrow" would be best.

I am really not sure why this happened, but I want to hold on to the belief that everything happens for a reason. I really would like to see him before he goes, but I am afraid of that not happening...I know I just spent a week with him, but I feel unsatisfied with the farewell. We will just have to see.