Spiral

I feel like the mixture of school and Joe being far away is starting to affect me. I keep randomly getting the urge to cry and, not that I don't know why, but I don't know why! I am aware that this is happening because of everything that is going on, but I don't know why I can't effectively hold it down. I think I have cried/teared more in the past week than I have in about a year.

This bothers me, because I am not one for breakdowns. Though, I am still not at the "breakdown" point, just at the tini episode phase. Either way, I don't know what I am going to do; that could be my problem. I have spent so much time coming up with plans and now I just don't know. It seems so frivolous to cry over things that haven't happened, but I really can't help it.

The main thing that is bothering me is, without school, I really don't know what I would do next year. Of course I would be working, but I would be at home, behind in my studies, and I don't even know how much or when I will see my boyfriend. I am so scared of what could happen. I don't think it would be anything bad, I just don't know...

Mainly these moments of sadness need to stop. It is against my personality and is really happening too frequently. There is nothing I can do about my predicaments and I just need to work through them so I can get past them. Logically, I know what I need to do, but emotionally I am afraid that I'll end up going downhill. So for now I will stay strong and wait till I see Joe again...which I hope will be in a couple weeks...I am trying not to get excited till I know because I have bad luck with things happening when I am excited for them!

May I also add, this isn't just about the deployment, this is about losing school too!

Post Time

I had realized that it has been a while since I have posted, when I accidentally hit the blogger shortcut in my bookmarks. This is strange because I keep thinking about posting, but never really getting around to it. It isn't that I don't have the time, just that I haven't been up to it...and a lot has happened too....

As you know, Joseph got a webcam and vchating is suddenly replacing all the phone calls we were once making. Seeing him is definably better than just hearing him and it calms some of the distance. I have also decided I shouldn't worry about weather or not his family likes me, because it is against my New Year's resolution (which has been going magically) and I really need to just let myself be me.

I have noticed a lot of changes in myself lately. Not taking people's crap is leaving me a lot happier and I am having some fun with it along the way. I am also a lot less worried about my artwork and I can almost just "do." Art and Fear has really helped me a lot with my artwork and there is also a lot of help from Joseph. I am really pushing to find my style.

My whole life I have seen my artwork compared. I would look at something and wish I could do it, then I would try and replicate it, most of the time with success. The issue was I had lost the ability to make the things that I see in my head. I have been focusing way too much on what the end result should be instead of how it is. My work is coming out much better now that I am letting it take on life.

Even my sketches are becoming more free. I have been drawing the girls in my ARH class, instead of my normal doodling, and I am noticing stronger drawings that are now becoming easier to get in their likeness. The issue I was having most often was that they were moving so much, but I have grown past that and see the beauty in my quick work.

Mainly I think back to last year. Around this time, my roommate Jackie was trying to get me out more. I was just focusing on art and class, working on auto pilot and searching for a drive. I was too worried about making something amazing I had lost my art process. I am actually almost at the time where I starting talking to Joe.

I also find it amusing that close to the same amount of time will pass, from the start of school, till I see Joseph on campus. I pray that he will end up here next month, but I still am worried that that wont fall through. I miss him a lot and the next opportunity would be late November.

I have found many of my times of peace, though I can only hope they stay. The main one, based on what most of my posts could be on next year, is how I am going to handle Joe's deployment next year. Now I look at the times that we have had on our cyberdates and when we are together. I was thinking about how I don't want my feelings to change and all the other fears that would come in the next year. Then I realized the things I need to remember, and that I had already worried him away for too long. My walls went down so I wouldn't lose him, and I am mostly fine now.

I have always gotten by with thinking of this time to train myself into the deployment. I haven't seen Joseph in a little over a month, there is a chance I could not see him for a couple months...at most three. That is like a third of the deployment (or a fourth...I am really not sure). Point being, I have been ok because of the fact he is coming back. So him coming back needs to be the thought I am stuck on over next year. I am always afraid I will forget, but I see him everywhere I turn.

No Time for Tears...

It has been a while since I have gotten the urge to just break down and cry. The only thing that stands in my way is the knowledge that it wont ever help me, the only person I want to run to is, most of the time 355 miles away. When he isn't here there is really not much he can do, and I don't want him to feel badly because most of my issues is the distance, I keep myself together promising myself that I will wait till he is here to hold me and that things aren't even that bad when you consider what is going to happen next year.

There is a defiant flaw in this reasoning; I need to find a thought that will pull me together while he is away for a year. Another thing that I am a bit upset over is the fact that his grandmother told Joe he should give me a (in Joe's terms) "free card" for when he is away, with the ability to date other people. I understand her reasoning, doing this would protect him if anything happened over here. Not that it would happen, but it probabily wouldn't hurt him as much...that thought alone breaks my heart.

It isn't her saying this that bothers me. It is the fact that, in these words, I am retold the possible mortality in my relationship. In my heart I know everything will work as it will, but I don't want to lose him. I hope Joe understands my reasoning in not wanting the "free card" (not even mentioning if he ever gives it to me I am NOT using it). Taking away attachments, I wouldn't date him if I didn't want to be with him. Keeping the attachments, I love him and will [impatiently] wait for him to come home.

I think this is really affecting me recently because there were suto plans for him to visit this month, but things didn't work out as well as we had hoped. He would have no way to go back home, so he has to go home after drill. I found this out late last week, and now we have to wait till October to see each other. Still, not as bad as next year will be. I need to find a new sentence.

Some times I sit and wonder why everyone seems so surprised that "we" are still working with all of this. I realize that everyone assumes that our relationship is purely physical, but just because it is an expected thing doesn't mean that is how things are. It seems good that Joe and I talked and hung out so much last year, we truly created a great foundation for ourselves. I thank God for my inspiration to break down my barriers and let my self get close to Joe. I really locked him out too much in the very beginning, but I realized in order to have what we have I needed to take a chance.

I remember a year ago today. I never thought I would be where I am today, I had given up on my search for my boy and decided that he will just have to come find me. I stayed in my room most nights and just did my work with no urge to see anyone. I wasn't as strong and I didn't know about anyone out there who truly loved and understood me. Most importantly I never knew I would be where I am today and my housing mistake would pay off.

School

It seems like forever since my last post, and I have been looking forward to making my school post for a very long time. I blame my lateness to never really having internet when I want it. In order to use the internet, I need to be in my room hooked up to the Ethernet cord. I didn't even have access on my Macbook on the main campus until today when I finally was able to crack the settings.

Speaking of my Macbook. I just got the new 13 inch pro and I am loving every second of it! It runs better, faster and all of the keys are more sensitive. This also means I am running Snow Leopoard and it has been an easier transition than I thought (from Tiger) and the vchatting seems to be running better as well. My favorate part is my new ability to right click!

That aside, I am trying harder to have more complicated projects this semester but I don't know what is going on with my school juju....I mean I designed awesome things at Omnia Agency but it seems when the grades are what I am getting I over analyze my ideas. I am weaning myself off of this habit though...

On a related note I truly love living in the apartments this semester. I like having my own space, which I have been keeping relatively clean, and I like the ability to make my own food whenever I wish. The best part is the three minute walk to class, this means I leave five minutes ahead of time instead of fifteen! It is all just magical...I love the set up and my sheets....the only thing I am missing is my Joseph.