First Day of Interning

Today has been interesting, though more of a first day as an illustrator than a Designer. I essentially spent the whole day thumbnailing and eventually drawing a header/PowerPoint side that will be shown in a cleaning company's presentation. I think that I did ok, though I did find my initial struggle with interpretating an idea. It all ended up working in the end, because I was still able to have a reasonable piece by 4:30, the ideal time to leave.

I was really worried because I ended up getting sick last night right before I was about to go to sleep. I had always wondered if hotdogs were one of my triggers and now I know. Though, the rules vary, I can eat them when they are grilled, it is the microwaved ones that are giving me issues. I ended up going into work 4 minutes late and exausted, because I just couldn't sleep and because the painting people were at our house and no one told my sister she should have been there.

My book, I am working on one day at a time. I figure if I can only get a page or a paragraph in during a day, that is ok. Some thing is better than nothing, and I charted all of my footnotes and had to rewrite some things that I had forgotten to add....any way, all things are running smoothly.

Finally an update on my computer. Apple apparently charges 16 dollars for the start up disk so now my mom needs to come up with something that I will "earn it" for. The harddrive is also not in my grasps yet. My mom has been researching like crazy, so I know my chances are still in reach.

It is these times where I hate the wait. The clock ticks and tests my patience, taunting me. However, my whole life is waiting and doing, so there isn't much to fight...

Intern and Hard Drive

Tomorrow I start my internship with Omnia Agency, and I am really looking forward to the work they already have in store for me!

What I know of so far is that I have to bring my tablet because I am going to be drawing something up....yes...

Also, I am going to be reinstalling my operating system as soon as I call Apple and get new installation disks. I also am going to have to wait for an external hard drive, but that won't be too far after the disks come. My computer is hiccuping with Photoshop and seems to have a driver error that can only be fixed this way. Also, from the last archive installment I am missing 20 gigs, so I may as well just start over from scratch.

My only thing now is how I am going to save as much of my settings as possible. When I get my hard drive, a whole day is going to be into saving and finding out where things will be when I get it all back!

Book Site

I am currently turning my old freewebs account into a website for my book. Though I am not going to bother posting up a link until I have it finished enough to work. For a basic concept I have just put a default template and worked with what I want on it. Though, I will make and post a CSS once I learn how to do it.

What I am really hoping on doing is finishing some more of the book, maybe some illustrations, and having a really cool site to go with the book. Though I need to finish it, design a cover and a whole bunch of other things. Not even mentioning that, when I finish, I will be sending my book to a publisher...though I may need to find an editor in that time. We shall see...

Parents On Facebook

Have you ever wondered why it was never okay for someone's mom to have a MySpace, but now it is perfectly acceptable for a parent to be on Facebook? Thinking back a few years, during everyone's MySpace days, we all just posted stuff on, and hoped to God that our parents wouldn't find it. Now, I was never one of those people that put anything bad up, but I still didn't want my mother on mine.

Looking now, all of us going through our "MySpace generation" are now in our "Facebook generation." You have to wonder, did we all just join, or did we all just switch over? Because of this I have found two good reasons why it is okay for parents to be on Facebook now:

1. We are all older.-lets be honest most members of the Facebook society are the former 16 year olds (or younger) that were on MySpace. Because of our new "matureity" we pretty much inform our parents of just about everything anyway, and we are shutting them out less.
2. It is seen as more of a "social site"- Now this one is mostly opinion, well more than the last, when you think about it, MySpace was not really used to reconnect with people. After the "tini-boppers" came in (To be honest this was people a year or so under me, technically my age group at the time). They do what they always do, turning the site into a QQ popularity contest. Even at that age I have felt the rage of the "tini-boppers" runing every site I hold dear...

When Facebook came along it was pretty much stated that the site was more "professional" and used for a use to get ahold of people. I remember my switch over. I was very impressed that it wasn't like MySpace. I liked how it was set up with a more informative profile that didn't try and destroy my computer. I also enjoyed the updates, and messaging. The site itself was even easier to manage. The whole feel is just differnet some how. I don't even know how to word it...

Most importantly, going to my "tini-bopper theory" we used this for more personal reasons. When parents started showing up I was slightly curious, but it became something widly accepted and I know people that use the site to talk to their parents while they are at school. I am still very surprised that even though Facebook has the same amount of "tini" action I really don't need to deal with it.

I also believe there are benifits to the parents being on this site. It kind of moderates itself. On more than a couple ocassions I have refrained from posting obnoxious (but still funny) posts. Nothing really bad enough to care about, but it got me thinking about how it helps us double think what we write. I know that not only will my friends be seeing what I write, but so will people like my mom's cousins. As much as my friends wont really judge me, it helps with my online self respect.

In conclusion, I don't really mind parents on facebook so much. Though if my mom joined I would consider rejecting her....though it would probibally end in a limited profile on her end. It isn't not wanting to get in trouble, but more of my mom is my stalker and likes to make obnoxious comments that causes me to have a slight social phobia. Mainly the uncomfortable teasing...we don't talk about that...

*A/N 100th Post!!!*

Move In Day

I have just been told that the rumors have been true about move in day being on a Tuesday this year. It kind of sucks because this is a day where our parents need to work, and we are starting the school year the weekend before Labor Day, this seems very odd, but I am not too concerned.

The only good news that this brings is I have been trying to look for an excuse to move in early ever sense I started at UMass. Move in day is just such a hassle with everyone in the way and all my things spread across the lawn. Though, like the babysitting this week, I am making it out to be a lot more difficcult than it actually was. Move in day has always been much easier for me than the rest of the population, but that is probibally because I have my parents and sister for help.

Long story short. I have just sent an email to housing requesting that I move in during the weekend because my parents are working. I should get word soon, and if I do get to move in early, Sam plans to play her asthsma card to also move in early. Both of our issues is not wanting to be on campus alone. Luckily food would not be an issue because of my kitchen this year....

I will keep posted...

Babies: Day Two

I spoke to soon on this possibly being an easy week. Of course this is still much easier than I expected it to be, but so far:

• Abby has completely emptied her toy bin
• Abby refuses to nap
• Hannah wont stop getting into/climbing things
• So much whining

Nothing that has been working and I keep having to clean up everything. It even seems like once I am ahead I am suddenly having to start my work on another project. For now, Hannah is playing quietly in her room alone and Abby is hopefully going to fall asleep before the 45 minute timer runs out....Gaaaaah.

It is really much harder when they are acting up than it should be. I blame the time I missed for me not being use to this. At the same time this has also not been a bad experience. The house isn't a disaster, and neither of them have killed themselves! So....accomplishment?

PMS Babies

What I was afraid of has finally happened. I am now watching the babies with cramping and all the other joys of my PMS...Well now it is more of just my MS....The sad part is I had my intuitive know it was coming. It may come at random times but I always can predict when by instinct.

I had the feeling when Kristen and I were talking about it about two weeks ago. I was saying how close it was to my mathematical prediction and I could get it this week; we both hoped not. I simply decided that it was just going to wait like it has the past couple of months, I would get it about two weeks after the average 28 days....more recently I have been hinting to this time line.

I wonder if them coming closer together means I will start to be "normal" in my timing. As much as that would be more convenient, I am not really effected either way. Now I feel like I really want my planner because this is how I track and keep track, but my main concern is being patient with two babies for the rest of the week.

So far things are going well. We got here around 8:30 and I had both of them in bed at 9. Of course they didn't go to sleep right away, but I got Abby in Kristen's bed and that separation got them to sleep....like an hour ago, but still I had a small nap in there and woke up with the now worse pain in my stomach. I have searched my sister's house for Midol (MAGICAL PILL OF HAPPINESS!) and could only find the two I have kept in my bag....because for some reason Midol is the ONLY thing that works on my migraines.

The real good news is I definably wont have this during the 4th of July wedding! That should save me some discomfort...

Babies and Design

I have realized, over the course of these three days of babies, that I am starting to get my mojo back. I can now use my super-auntie powers to get Hannah to bed without screaming....so far I am the only person who is able to do that.

Another thing is I am starting to get into the whole "detail" thing with drawing. I just made a fashion design of a wedding dress and I feel pretty good about where it is going...maybe I will even pull it on the computer and paint it...like other things on my DeviantART

Long story short....
This week may not kill me
and
I may be finally getting my detail back!

Hello Kitty Planner

I don't know how I could lose something that I use so frequently. I know that I used it less because of lack of assignments, summer, but how far could it go?

My Hello Kitty Planner, is the only planner I have ever really used. Mine for this year was inspired by one of my most useful presents from Carol last year. I use it because it is so cute I normally wouldn't use it...I can't even see it being anywhere else but home because it has my name and phone number in it....

I know the normal rule of thumb...where did I have it last?

The answer is simple and I remember clearly. Carol saw it on the floor of my room after/before watching a movie and looked at it then it got put down...the issue is where? I am VERY sure I did not use it after wards. So how did it get lost? It should be in that spot out in the open.

I have cleaned my room thoroughly and this makes me truly sad. Luckily I had already marked down my periods in a separate notebook, but I really need it again. I hope to find it soon, and I hope it doesn't end up like my still missing gameboy....which should be in my closet.

Much like Hello Kitty Planner should be in my room....

I hate not being able to write my events...so afraid I'll forget....I would feel more lost if I forgot events easier!

Internship

It seems to me that the holes in my posts have unknowingly caused me to completely miss writing about my internship! Thanks to Carol I can finally fill in that gap.

A couple of weeks ago I had sat in my failure, still, to get a job and had finally gotten a phone number from my mom. The man is the owner of a printing company in West Warwick, and we were hoping to get an internship through him. It took my mom two weeks to give me the number but at least I ended up with it.

The next day I made my call. I spoke to the man and he was saying how slow business was and he was really hoping to have a project for me, but alas there was nothing. However, he was going to give me the names of a couple agencies/firms that I could get a hold of and check the availability.

First agency I emailed (same with the second) and I got a response. So after my interview I found that I had the internship as long as I cared for it. Which is good because I had a dream the night before that there were others there and even though, whatever was wrong in my dream, they really wanted me.

So there is my intern story. I will have stuff in my portfolio as soon as possible.

I start June 29th.

Wedding Date and Past Posts

I hope by me naming this entry "Wedding Date" doesn't through any of you off...though I do find it an amusing concept...:D hehehe....

No, no any confusion on giving you a wedding date is about to be cleared up....though in some matters of the term it is still correct.....

I will be Joseph's wedding date should my parents permit me to drive to Massachusetts on July 4th (see I told you there would be a date!). Right now it is looking at a very likely yes and if so I am wicked excited because I will be seeing Joe a month before I had anticipated. Though I will not lie, I did expect to be invited, I even warned my parents a month ago.

Any way, should I be going, this will be the opportune moment where I will finally be introduced to Joe's parents. If you haven't been keeping up, I had seen them at his brother's eagle project, but have yet to be been introduced. This was partially because all three groups were never together at the same time, therefore Joe hadn't gotten us aquainted.

More fun, there are many things that now excite me and here they are:

1. IT'S AN EFFING WEDDING!!!-wedding + girls = yay! Girls love weddings, which is why we spent our entire pubesent through adult life planning them, and I just so happen to be a girl.
2. Flowers everywhere
3. Dresses!
4. Dancing
5. Partying
6. "Celabraiting love"
7. Cake

and most importantly I get to be gussied up and spend the night mingling and, most importantly, dancing with Joe! My camera will definably be there and I look forward to having a great time. The only thing I fear is my natural reaction to get sick when I am nervious, but that doesn't scare me as much anymore, because I repress the need to be nervious. It is Joe...his family is the part that scares me...

Though, it is every girls fate to seek the aproval in her boy's family. All we ever want is for them to love us almost as much as thier sons do. I know most people say there is nothing to prove, but there is so much. I don't want them to dislike me.....

Insecurities asside I am definably a less anxious person than I was last year. Be it the pre-Joe era or the pre-resolution era, my stress has gone down significantly and in this I find my peace. The hard part was the persistant trial and error to find what worked best. I had tried the ignoring it, the working past it, but the best bet was the accepting and letting it go. Though it is much more complicated than that.

This is more of a, what ever kind of system. Stuff happens and there is nothing I can do to control it. If there is stress that I may have to go to the bathroom and not find one, what ever, I'll wet myself, worse things have happend to people. Of course the other mentality is I won't because I just wont. Though "knowing" I could brings me comfort...reasonably because feeling like I couldn't causes the anxiety.

I am also learning my limits, because I am using the bathroom sanario already I will keep to it. There are times when I feel like I need to go but I really have another hour or so. So in this I can compare, I could go when I am nervious, but do I have to?

I relive this fear in the wedding to come, will I have to go in the middle of the reception....couldn't I hold it....I know if i keep my mind busy the whole fear subsides, taking its feelings with it. So I will focus on the wedding, and the man standing next to me.

Still I have to wonder where these really came from. During my sister's wedding I don't remember having this much of an issue and I was part of the attention up front. These really started when I compared my true nervousness in orchestra concerts to my nerviousness in other things....or is this something else?

Focusing on lesser issues, if you haven't noticed that I have been reading my past posts, do so now. I realized how much progress I have made in my anxiety eliviation. The only thing I am truly behind on is the weightloss. All I can really focus on now is trying not to gain anything...for some reason I have a strong urge to eat all the time.

My new goal has been made and I find it a lot stronger than the last. When Joe gets back from Kuwait I want to be at my ideal weight. This gives me a few months over a year. Plenty of time to go quickly and slowly, whatever I feel like. Though, as I have mentioned before, I don't know exactly what that weight is yet.

New Layout

As you may, or may not, notice there is a new layout in my blog. I have chosen it based around my new profile picture and banner. It was well time for a change and I am glad that I finally got it out of the way. I have been starting to want to do this with my facebook, but once one profile changes they all are going too. Mainly this was pushed because I need a Deviantart ID....but I will get on that later...
Any way, not much has changed. I found out there is a slight chance that Joe will not be coming back to UMass after he gets back from Kuwait and that really forced me to have to deal with the what if of my future. I had always just planned to not deal too much with Kuwait because of the fact I was going to see him all spring semester...after that, I was going to play a bit by ear.
I still don't know how I feel on the whole subject. I know that I will not break up with him over this. It has been suggested both ways, but I know that I shouldn't waste a good thing while it is strong. This may be a "deal breaker" for some people, but I am patient.
The possibilities are endless, but deep down (under my anxieties) I really don't care.

Cat and Mouse

"When the cat is away, the mouse is at play."

These words were said to me by my mother in relation to the soon-to-be deployment of my boyfriend Joe. She was making the reference to the question she had asked earlier, "How long are you two going to be together after he goes away?" A question, and an answer, that I do not know. Nor do I want to know, but something on that old phrase stuck out on me.

What is it when that saying is brought out upon a relationship? The true reference being where there is no authority the rebellion will come out, but in this case it is in reference to the physical relationship between Joe and myself. A relationship that I am fond of, but the lack of physical contact will not lead to our downfall. As I know now, I would rather miss him like this than not be able to see him when he does return. I do recognized the fact that he is not going forever. I see this in the long term. Short time pleasures may be fun, but I know in my heart I can never hurt him like that. What is it that makes relationships act the way they do? Is there really such a sense of immediacy? A time where the rush to sexual intimacy makes us skip emotional intimacy altogether?

However, we must also recognize the fact that all these downfalls, and breakdowns, eventually lead people to the people whom they wish to settle down with. Although, the scars of the immediate pleasures are still there. Even though these people now see the brilliance behind their love, can they move past their past lusts?

I watch the relationships of the people around me. In the youth of some friends I even see how they have no intention to keep these people in their future. They just see what they want and rush towards it. Even so, in their run, they go past their goal. They cannot even see what they ran past till they are so far away, they can barely see when they look back. Some lose their goal completely.

So I see these things, I hear these things, and am thankful for my choice of abstinence. I have relieved myself of this physical drama and put it back to a place of meaning for myself and my future husband. Every one seems to just assume that Joe and I are having sex not realizing that we are really just looking to each other for something more.

There really isn't much to this Cat and Mouse business anyway. In a way, this saying is not even relevant to the subject. The comparison of the Cat, or the Mouse, relates to an inequality of power. The mouse is rebelling because the mouse can't be himself around the cat. The mouse can only be himself if the cat is away.

So, I guess I answered my own question, though I am unsure of what it even was. Playing Cat and Mouse is not something I wish to do with Joe. In doing so we could not be seen as the "Partners in Crime" as I like to refer us to. We can both be ourselves with each other and there is more to our relationship than just his touch. We will last through his deployment, as long as our hearts will allow and all we can do is pray that they are strong enough. I know I sound cold mentioning the chance that something could happen between us, but I feel as though being ignorant will just make me hurt more should it sneak up on me. That is just how I deal with things.