School

I am feeling much better about life and school again and am finally starting to be able to relax a tiny bit. I have been having a decent amount of time off and have pushed my Resolution of letting things go. Also, I have been pushing away my communication issues and feel like they will be gone soon. I am learning to be more comfortable with my designs and such and feel like I can grow as an artist with these feelings.

The only thing I still have concern over is my graphic design. This is the only class that I still can't get to on time, but still...I do not have the issues that I had at the beginning of this school year. Though my honor's course may push me off the deans list which will make my parents want to pull me out of school.

This is really my biggest fear, because I know the flu (and a small bit of ambition loss) must have effected my GPA, but at the same time I wish my parents could see how much better off I will be at school. I will do better in my whole life by growing here...but that is not an issue at the moment. I just hope I can have them see my way.....

Artist's Ambition

I think we all forget how we started out. Ten years ago my work was not as great as it is today, even in the past couple years I have improved so much that it isn't even funny. Talking to Joe, he had been the mediator in a small conversation with his step sister. She stated that she wanted to see my work. In return I sent a link to my deviantart, which I do not think is my best representation, and she made a remark that I was better than her.

My first response: "Well duhh, I am a lot older!" and after stating that I was older I realized that I had forgotten how much my work has changed over the years. Even in high school I wasn't up to my full potential and I never really took chances. I knew that this girl needed some thing that will show this lesson, so I dug up my old sketch book from seventh to eighth grade and showed her how "bad" I was.

Joe stated that he thought that this made her feel better. I got a remark like "oh" which made me feel bad for about two seconds (automatic response to overprotect my work) and then was trying to think of a piece of wisdom that I could send to her, but what is the most important thing for her to know at her level?

I came up with a few things that have shaped my work, along with a few things that I should have worked on years ago.

1. "Every great artist has mastered the human form." It was this statement alone that made me drop the "easier" animals and go back to the challenge of people. If you look at the masters they did all know the human body and knowing how we work can also help with other micanical things...humans are insparation.
   
2. Volume. Shadows use to overwhelm me, but I wish I had worked on them sooner. I still have issues with ignoring the shadows and only working on what is closest and furthest away, but I wish I payed more attention earlier...
3. Don't worry about making something "bad." This is a curse that haunts me to this day. I am so caught up on creating something "good," that I lose focus on why I am an artist in the first place. I do not draw for success (most of the time) I draw because it makes me happy. Looking back to my previous work, the best things in my sketch books were the things I did for fun and the things I did without worry.
   

I really don't know which to say to her, but I may come up with it if I know I am going to meet her and talk about it with her. I have decided that I need to see her work before I can really pass anything on. Also, I need to master some things myself. I like to think that I can help other artists, even though it will suck when they pass me.

I know I am not working to my potential, and there are still many walls I need to break down before I can get there, but opening my mind to what I am trying to learn at school will help me in the long run. I know that in order to hone my skills, I have to let go of perfection. Even though I see my work now....in 5 years I will think my best is crap...because my new best will surpass it.

Beating Myself Up

My whole life has been spent beating myself up over things from small to large. Because of this, I have found my attention both hindered and amplified, but I wonder which one is actually happening.

When I sit and worry about these problems I know that I am going to stay on top of them, and with my new resolution for this year (which was staying less stressed) I have found that it is a bit easier to deal with this. However, the worrying also keeps me from being able to focus on other things and I either procrastinate or be caught up in all the things that could happen.

I have acknowledged that this is a problem, but now what do I do for the solution?

I know a part of me likes to keep this habit, I fear that in changing my view on this I could potentially lose all my focus and that would lead to my downfall. At the same time, I know that I can do anything I put my mind to, and in that, I can stay focused with out all of this added stress. In fact, all the things that I have been able to let go I have done better on because I was no longer wasting time worrying...

Alas, I will figure out my solution soon enough...I would really like to come up with it by the end of the week, but no pressure on my self. I have too many other things to finish by then...

Nice Guy vs. Bad Boys

I have recently read a blog about "What is the Nice Guy?" (Found it from a Tumblr post from Carol) and it got me thinking about how this man couldn't possibly be right.

What he explained is that the "Nice Guy" isn't actually nice and the "Bad Boys" that the girls date have good qualities (though there is a lot more to it than that), long story short the "Nice Guys" are basically just being nice to get into a "non-platonic" relationship with the girls. Because of this if they don't get what they want, they get angry with the girl (because of their lack of communication or the girl's lack of interest) which isn't a sign of true affection.

The point of this article, from what I can tell, is that they aren't really your friend if they suddenly change because they aren't getting what they want. The guys get discouraged and are turned into the "Bad Boys." This was a very complicated thing and it really made me have to think about what it was that I myself look for, because when I know, I know how to re-translate what it is that girls are looking for in men.

Now I have always been looking for a nice guy, pretty much the representation of the blog, however the end result is not something I found appealing. So I considered the possible holes in both theories and came to the conclusion that the man is right, "Nice Guys" are not all they are cracked up to be.

We [women] want gentlemen. When we say we want you to not open doors "not because you have to but because you want to" what we are really saying is we want you to put the thought into doing things for us. We want someone who we will inspire.

Women have been the inspiration in men for thousands of years. If one pays attention, almost every design has been rendered from the human body, but mostly the women's. This is more than enough proof we are influential in a man's life, just as the men inspire ours. The thing is most girls don't understand this concept, and in turn don't give guys the chance to be guys.

And I start my short rant...

Modern values frustrate me. With all the premarital going on I see more and more relationships get overcomplicated and break. This is also mentioned in the "Nice Guy" article, I think people are forgetting the emotional intimacy because there is so much going on once they have sex. It seems that some people are filling their blocks in communication with physical intimacy, in fact, I have seen it.

I am seeing more and more importance in communication watching the relationships around me. The ones that have the biggest trouble are the ones that are not considering the other person's views, or not saying how they feel, and the ones doing well are the ones that nip these problems at the bud.

Still my idealist says "Love concurs all!"


P.S. I believe this is on the best article I have read on communication. My sister had read it years ago, then Joe showed me an excerpt in November....this is as close as I can find. It is on how men and women see communication. I found it both interesting and helpful.

Lots o' Stuff

Lately my parents have been causing me great amounts of stress when it comes to my schooling. I lost my groove when I had the flu, but I have been trying really hard to get back on track. I know my attendance has not been extremely great, but I am trying. Hopefully if I am not late to any more classes my teachers will forgive me a little.

I know I should be trying even harder than I am, but I feel as though I'll crack if I do. I don't do work 24/7 but it isn't like I don't do work at all. I still have all my assignments done and have been able to meet almost every deadline that was made before I got sick. The only exception being Digital Media but I have all intentions of being completed with that by next week.

In two weeks is my Spring Break, and I will be completely done by then. I have a presentation that I have to be ready for (due the monday we get back) and I hope to organize my stuff. Also I want to do my FlyLady cleaning next week. Then my room will be clean as well...I feel better again and hope to get everything together. I must learn to self modivate.

On that same topic, I also am planning to start training for the 5k hardcore....meaning, I am going to go mon, wed, fri...I just need to stick to my word and not take any excuses from myself. I plan to go right after classes in the CVPA (which is right near the gym) I hope that I will be ok...

Most importantly, the focus is on me needing to do well in school. If nothing else, the fear of getting pulled out of school will be biggest. Within that threat I would also not be able to see Joe...must do well >_<

I hope I am an RA. I find out Monday