Closing In

Suddenly I turn around and my semester is over. As of the moment I emailed my Art History final to my teacher, I have been done with finals. However, I will be staying on campus until sometime tomorrow...I could have been picked up today, but I have planned based on the idea of my parents not being able to make it. Overall, I feel like my semester went well. I am proud of my work and am almost looking forward to next semester. I use the word "almost" very strongly. With this semester's end, I will be seeing Joseph in a little over a day. A time that I am not wanting to end, because at the end of our trip is his deployment.

I have been able to successfully be able to avoid the whole upset stage, but it is starting to set in a bit again. Mental preparations are running deeper and I just keep reminding myself that this isn't a big deal...I mean it is, but it isn't. I told myself I would do everything in my power to not be upset, or cry, and I still plan to keep that goal. I know for the first few days of Joe being with me I will be fine. My worries are for when the deployment date gets closer. The only real good thing that is coming out of this is he is acting extra nice during this, and we are covering a few topics now that we didn't before. I am really having a hard time ignoring these feelings because when it comes it will suddenly be real. He will be away for a year, and I will be waiting for him to come home.

It isn't that I am freaking out yet, but this is starting to creep up on me. Who knows, maybe I won't have the normal reaction, maybe I will be fine. At the same time, I do want to let Joe know that it isn't that I don't care, it is that I don't want him to see me upset. I don't want him to look back while he is gone and think of me in tears. I want to be positive and work through this while finishing the goals I have set for this time. I have thought about not dealing with this, but I kind of have to. Whether or not I deal with this, it is happening.

Holding Up

I am still very surprised at how well I am emotionally holding up. I have somehow managed to convince myself that there is no reason to be upset over the things I can't control, and it is true. No matter what I do, some of my fears and worries are out of my hands. I see that letting go of that control is a very good thing. Thinking about it, letting go of some of the control in life can cause people to become scared. You are essentially putting your fate in many different hands and it isn't about whether or not you trust them. It is whether or not you trust the fact that, in the end, everything is still going to be okay.

There is still a balance, I do need to remember that although there are somethings that I leave in the hands of God, there are opportunities that I do need to assess and decide upon. One of the contributing factors to this is something that Joe's grandmother said a while back regarding trusting God's plan. Listening to her, this was something that I had already started at the beginning of the semester. As well as the system I have been using on my New Year's Resolution to not worry so much.

I am so close to having this resolution...welll....resolved! I may roll it over onto next year just so I can finish up all the kinks. I only hope that my mood, and attitude, that I have now will continue during the time that Joe is deployed. I can see myself starting to break down a bit as he leaves, but I can also see myself building back up with out a problem. I know the mindsets that will keep me in either state, however I have not the experience to know about the strength required to do so.

Mainly I still have my simple plans for while he is away. I am going to send him letters about twice a week, I don't feel like I have an interesting enough life for everyday, and we'll have emails, possibly skype too. Other things are I am going to need to avoid people that make my situation worse for me, but I will also be making him care packages. Most importantly, after all my research and reading, I see that it is important to have a goal to work towards while the boys are away. As you know my weight loss goal is still in effect, however it really isn't going to start until Joe is deployed.

I was going to start on that exact date, but Kristen says I have a date with her, Ben and Jerry so I may need to wait till January 11th. Still, I have no intentions of dieting, just exercizing and watching my calories. Still laid back and working out all my stresses and worries over that time. I want to be able to run by summer, because gaining weight while on break is not an option.

Wrapping It Up

The months have gone by and it is suddenly December. I find myself in a much better place than I was at the beginning of the semester. As I stated before, I have found my peace. Now I am wading my time for the semester to end, as well as looking forward to seeing Joseph.

It is when I think about the fact that next time I see him (not counting the Christmas party taking place this Sunday) that things start getting touchy in my mind. I am trying not to focus on the bad things, just how much Joe means to me and how I'll see him soon. 2010 is going to be a hard year, there is no denying that, but I will make the best of it! To be honest my main focus is no tears till he is gone, there is no reason to cry because it really wont solve anything.

I want to keep this rationality thought this whole ordeal, but I know that that isn't possible. At the moment, my best course is staying happy while it matters, there is no reason why either of us would have to deal with emotions of our (temporary) detachment when we are together. I am going to think of this the same way I did when he was at AT, I can handle two weeks, I can handle a year....(*focus*)

I am going to be honest though, I am nervous. But really these fears have been brought on by other's theories on what I am going to do. Really all I pray for is strength, and all I ask for is support. That is what I need. I am letting go of the urge to take charge for the "better," but really I need to leave my life for God's plan. Since I have decided this my anxiety has been diminishing and things are working out for the best.

Soon the year finishes, the semester finishes, and it is already time for me to see Joseph again! I had though last time he left, I felt that it would be so long till I would see him again. I walked through my days, both the fast and slow, and now that month has passed and I get to see him again. I will start the New Year with him, I only hope to end this year with him as well...