Doing Well

Strong feelings have always embarrassed me, so putting myself out there was never one of my strong points. The reasons why I refuse to pick the break up solution is nothing more than my faith in love. I am a firm believer in, if you have truly found love it will never let go. I have searched only for that in my life. My hopes and dreams depend on it, but by saying these things I am exposing my childlike fantasies. I wait for the hard core realist to jump in and tell me that it'll never happen.

I don't want to lose that part of myself. I love having a childlike heart. I feel like it will make me a stronger person. Even now I am finding that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. I refuse to be a hypocrite of my own cause. Almost every one who I have talked to has told me the "best thing" for me, but only Kate has said the words I wanted to hear. I need to follow my heart, even if it means I get hurt more. Something happened between today and yesterday that is making me feel very okay. With the exception of Joseph leaving, I have had a pretty good day full of much hope for the future.

I know this feeling was brewing yesterday, but it has really kicked in lately. With the possibility of the Family Readiness Group and positive thoughts on my side, I feel again like I can handle the year to come. Really my largest issue was not knowing what I am going to end up doing. I don't mean I am going to go crazy, but I have never been in a situation like this. I feel very confident on my intuition today.

I think it also helped that I saw Joseph (I find his presence very strengthening). Although I had a hard time grasping the reality of him being here, the knowledge that nothing has changed helped comfort me. Also, today I have openly verbalized my thoughts on how not seeing him is not really affecting my decision on keeping him around. I think everyone is afraid of the possibility that I will wake up one day with a huge "screw this" attitude, and I really need to stay sensitive to those feelings.

The Visit

I didn't quite have the reunion I was expecting when I saw Joseph for the first time in about two months. He ended up coming in early last night and I had to drive to South Attoboro and pick him up with my sister, but it was the circumstances that made it harder on me and overall, less than what I had imagined. The original plan was that he would stay with my family for the ten days between this drill and his AT. However circumstances have changed to him going to Delaware tomorrow.

This really worries me, because I don't know if I am going to see Joe again before AT. There is a small chance I could not see him again before he deploys, based on current statistics, but I feel like I will know when that will be(...aka. not today) Either way I am just thrilled to see him, even though I technically do every day.

Everyone seems to look at my situation and see how much easier my life would be if I would just dump Joe, but for some reason I don't see it that way. I know its hard waiting like I am, but the only thing I can see worse than missing him like I do now, is knowing that we wont see each other again. What am I suppose to do, just not be "with" him for a year and then go back like nothing happened? Give him a small promise of I might be there when he gets back?

The way I see it, this is probability not going to be Joe's first deployment. If I can't suck up the first one, how am I going to be able to handle the rest. You don't see married couples turned swinger once a deployment comes around, why should any less be expected of me? I was invited to a family readiness meeting on Nov 15. As much as I know I should go, and want to go, I know I most likely wont be able to make it.

Overall my fears still stay pretty consistent. I fear for Joe's well being as well as mine and ours [relationship]. I fear that I will just snap out of love with him and break his heart. I fear that the same could happen to me. I fear that when Joe comes back the same situation as this semester is going to happen and we will drift apart. For the first time in my life I fear the future. I don't want the pain, but I know without it I will forget him.

Maybe I should go to church more often?

Another day and another plan. Though, with this, I feel much better.

Yesterday ended on a very good note considering how it was going. I ended up watching the Princess Bride and talking to Joe again. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop a steady (though seemingly unnoticeable) shed of tears. I just really felt like crap, but I knew the feeling would have to pass eventually. I went to sleep and dreamed of Joe.

The next morning I had to drag myself out of bed, quite literally. I just wanted to stay there and never leave, but I knew that wasn't going to solve any of my problems. I just went off to class and wondered what I would do next. I also found time to talk to my sister and we came up with a plan where Joe could stay at my house for his time between drill and AT...then all I would have to do was come home during the weekend and see him.

Between chats, mainly right after class, I found myself in the Reflection Room at school. Still feeling bad but just not wanting to be alone AND in my room. I then found myself just praying for anything that will let me see Joe, some plan, anything, and at the same time letting my problems go. Putting myself in God's hands and for the first time calling upon the saint [Mary] that seems to dominate my family, in a patron sort of way.

I left, and started my lunch. It was at this time that my sister told me of her idea, and it reminded me of the dream I had last night where Joe was staying at my house. As time passed, I then made plans with Sam to go to the gym, so I could think and work out for the first time this week.

While there Kate called, and that is where everything started moving. She wanted me to go over to her place this weekend and basically said I didn't have a choice. Sam was displeased about this (she doesn't like being on campus alone and I was the only one staying) but I felt like I was suppose to go with this. All that was left was okaying it with my parents.

While running through the weekend plans, both of my parents gave the same idea that Kristen and I were running with. This was extra special because I didn't have to ask. The small changes in my plans with Kate was that I would stay home today so my parents and I can talk and I can see them before they leave. When I ran this by Joe he seemed very pleased that there was a chance we can see each other again, though I think he was more pleased that I was happy for the first time in over a day. Actually, I think this is the first time I let him see me excited (more than usual, I was still holding back a bit!).

Now I am just waiting on the response from Joe's parents. I still fear that there is going to be another thing pulled out of the blue that will prevent this, but, I am hanging on that not happening. I need hope and this is my outlet. Though I do think that everyone is surprised at my dedication. Except Kate, who is fully on my side.

What the hell is going on with my life?

It seems no matter how hard we try, someone will keep Joseph and me from seeing each other. Again we find our plans foiled because of something beyond our control.

The Swine Flu (aka h1n1) is really breaking my balls. Not because it is affecting my health, but because it is the soul reason Joseph cannot see me at the moment. In order to protect his new born brother, Joe's mom has decided that if Joe visits me on campus, he will not be allowed to return home till after his deployment. So now we are trying to find a way to see each other off campus, I just hope that will be possible.

This is really killing me. Every time we make plans something like this happens, I miss him so much and here I am, another month waiting. People say I shouldn't wait for a guy like I am, that it isn't worth this then a year while he is in Kuwait, but I am. I can't hold this against Joe, he needs his family, especially now, and this is a circumstance we can't control. I just hope I get to see him soon.

This is everything that I had been afraid of, and this is the thing I fear if Joe ends up in an out of state school. Plans keep being made to see each other, and here we are apart. Our anniversary is next month and with AT there is a chance I won't even see him till after then. Heck, there is a chance I could not see him till the Arizona trip in December. Then he leaves.

I see now people don't understand my decision. All that dumping Joseph will do is hurt us both. I have never been known to be a quitter and I am not going to start now. Sure, this is really hard, and I am giving up a lot, but I think Joe needs me now more than ever. I am not going to be selfish and leave him because of his parents not allowing him to come (more or less what is going on). For now, the pain is bearable, and I will work through it. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I do this not for me, but for him.

Just Because

Here I am, for the first time in a while, writing just because. Everything is running smoothly so far and now I just have some free time. Sure I am procrastinating some things, but I feel okay about it. The only issue I feel is the potential of getting sick, but I really think that I am just having allergies.

Because nothing emotional is currently in my way, I will tell you about school. Which is going well, though my whole Type 2 battle is somewhat lost. I should feel worse about it, but I did everything I can and I really don't want to dwell on the situation. Type 3 however is going really well, in fact one could say it is my favorite class, but don't say that too loudly!

It really shows me how much my subjects are loved and hated by the teachers. I think it is that I see so many parallels in Professor Franz that makes me like her class so much. She really teaches in the way I learn and, in seeing her as my future self, she struggled with the same things I am struggling with, and now teaches it, so there is hope.

In Graphic Design, I started off a bit rocky. Though, after pushing a bit more into my creative mind, I am back where I should be in my design process. I am really trying hard to push my limits and just go out and try things. I now see what all those teachers were saying about having enough time to try new things, and to take chances.

Business Communications is another class that I enjoy. I hate having to present all the time, but I still understand the basic concepts and like learning how I can improve my communication skills.

Finally Art History. My class are the test subjects for the new ARH 200 program. It is somewhat interesting. I do like that all we do is write and observe. It kind of helps us understand how critics will look at our work. Also it is helping a bit with rhetoric.

That is about it. My next highlight will either be Kate visiting or Joe visiting. I still fear that he won't be able to make it this month, but I am feeling better about it. I still try to not get excited, just in case, but it isn't working so much....can't wait!

Buisy Year

I have always heard that Junior year of the Graphic Design program was a very busy one, but I never really thought of it like this. Not that I am tremendously busy, but with my four classes, I sure have enough of home work. Business Communications, is definably more than I thought it would be, though it is still easy.

In my design courses, things are finally starting to click at a higher level. My typography is really skyrocketing, progress wise, and for some reason I am really enjoying this class and I am definably enjoying the web-design. However my work is coming in a bit patchy, these recent projects are really pulling me through. I think it could be Professor Franz, who is my future self.

I feel more accomplished this semester and I really feel better about myself overall. Even though I am going through my "emotional thing" I know I will be fine. All I can pray for is higher grades, especially in Type, this semester. I pray that I will be able to stay on campus, keeping my schooling from falling behind.

Most importantly, I pray that Joe will be able to come this month. I know that it seems like no time when you consider next year, but soon I won't be able to see him for a year. Last month was a disappointment and I would rather that not happen twice. It is really the bringing myself up that makes it worse, if I knew I wasn't going to see him last month it really wouldn't be as bad now. I am planning for the worst, just in case (pretty much the best plan for my life), that way when he does come I can be happy and excited. As if it were a wonderful and pleasant surprise.