The Visit

I didn't quite have the reunion I was expecting when I saw Joseph for the first time in about two months. He ended up coming in early last night and I had to drive to South Attoboro and pick him up with my sister, but it was the circumstances that made it harder on me and overall, less than what I had imagined. The original plan was that he would stay with my family for the ten days between this drill and his AT. However circumstances have changed to him going to Delaware tomorrow.

This really worries me, because I don't know if I am going to see Joe again before AT. There is a small chance I could not see him again before he deploys, based on current statistics, but I feel like I will know when that will be(...aka. not today) Either way I am just thrilled to see him, even though I technically do every day.

Everyone seems to look at my situation and see how much easier my life would be if I would just dump Joe, but for some reason I don't see it that way. I know its hard waiting like I am, but the only thing I can see worse than missing him like I do now, is knowing that we wont see each other again. What am I suppose to do, just not be "with" him for a year and then go back like nothing happened? Give him a small promise of I might be there when he gets back?

The way I see it, this is probability not going to be Joe's first deployment. If I can't suck up the first one, how am I going to be able to handle the rest. You don't see married couples turned swinger once a deployment comes around, why should any less be expected of me? I was invited to a family readiness meeting on Nov 15. As much as I know I should go, and want to go, I know I most likely wont be able to make it.

Overall my fears still stay pretty consistent. I fear for Joe's well being as well as mine and ours [relationship]. I fear that I will just snap out of love with him and break his heart. I fear that the same could happen to me. I fear that when Joe comes back the same situation as this semester is going to happen and we will drift apart. For the first time in my life I fear the future. I don't want the pain, but I know without it I will forget him.