Anxiety

I have found myself again filled with the anxieties that surround my teeth. I still have three stressful weeks before the semester is over/ I have my appointment (which still needs to be made) and I can only pray that I don't destroy the temporary fillings by that time. I know I need to "grow up" and be able to handle the dentist, but it is one of the only things that really scares me. It is an irrational phobia and I pretty much will have it for life.

The only thing that I am focusing on is the fact that I will be seeing Joseph afterward. I am hoping that, with a focal point, I will not be so worried about going to the dentist...and hopefully not be as scared when I get there. I just have to keep telling myself that the hard part is over, all they are doing is finishing up the job. The real issues are what is going to happen after Joe leaves?

I have been searching for a job for the past couple weeks that will, at the least, cover my summer tuition. I know for a fact that I can't just sit around all summer doing nothing (not including my school work) and it is becoming more of a necessity that I find a source of income. My real concern is that the Warwick Mall ended up being flooded a few weeks ago and now I have a guess that all those people will be out of work for a while. The scarce jobs around, from what I can guess, just got worse. I just wish there were more summer internships (and that they paid) or at least more freelance opportunities in either Illustration or Design.

Dental Update

I had been so focused on recent events, and tired, that I had completely forgotten to give an update to my dental appointment. In the long run I had needed a double root canal...basically everything I didn't want to happen. I ended up freaking out slightly and needed to be put on laughing gas (which by the way now works on me) the procedure wasn't bad, but then again I was slightly sedated. My doctor had finished most of the work up and My root canal is technically done, however I have temporary fillings on top because they didn't have time to finish the job. I need to go back in a couple weeks and get fillings, then make an appointment for a cleaning...

I still hate the dentist...nothing personal

The Dates

I have finally gotten a date for when Joe should be taking his two week leave and it is in just about a month! I am really excited and see this as the half way mark to the end of his deployment (even though it is a bit earlier than that!). I feel like I have been waiting so long for these dates and now it feels real again and I am so anxious to see him a little over a week after school ends. There is one small fear pinging at me right now. It isn't a big enough deal to really matter, but I am concerned that I may have to relive some of the earlier stages of deployment again. This fear I hadn't even thought about until Joe had mentioned it before he left. He had given me the option to miss out on his leave then, but the truth is, I wouldn't miss it for anything.

I have have been holding up good so far and I can't see that changing in the foreseeable future. Even if I am upset enough to have it affect my daily life (for anyone who knows me this is nearly impossible to do more than skim the surface) I do not expect it to last as long as it did in the beginning. Before I was waiting a year; this time I will be waiting several months. I have been through the hard part and I know I can do this now. There is also a new reassurance that I need to be more patient with my life. I want so badly for resolve, but I have to wait.

Overall I look forward to seeing Joe again...or rather touching Joe again. I am extremely thankful that he is so attentive towards me and that I get to hear from him almost every day. I see people around me who aren't as fortunate and it makes me glad to know Joe is so open about how much he cares and willing to "see" me so frequently. I know I am reminded constantly of the haze that enters my life after the deployment, but I still trust that everything is going to be okay. I may be walking down a dark path, and I may not know where it is taking me, but I am not alone.

Dentist

With a long history of dental phobia, I have been avoiding the dentist since I had my wisdom teeth removed (right before college started). Since I broke one of my teeth a couple weeks ago, I had been waiting till the summer so I did not have to miss class. Now, I finally have to go (and miss class) because of the fact that my tooth now is in pain and some how managed to have another hole in it.

It scares me and I wonder if I should have made this sooner. Also, missing class was something I was trying to avoid and if this had happened earlier this weekend, or earlier today, I could have made an appointment for today (long weekend in Mass but in RI they still have a work day). However the inconvenience of my mouth is unimportant, the real stress is that I am slowly chewing away my own teeth.

I wish there was something that could be done, but the best thing that I can do is invest in a mouth guard. I don't think I grind all the time; I have had many months without pain. What I think is happening is that it is coming out in times of stress. Logically I should use this till the end of my school career and during stressful days.

Now I wonder, what is going to happen when I get to the dentist's office? Am I going to make the situation worse in the meantime because my subconscious hates me? I am terrified of having to have a root canal, let alone a filling. My mom says that it is probably worse in my mind and I will only need a cap until they can fix the whole problem. I just hope this will not affect my schooling. I really don't want to do this, but I don't want to lose my tooth more....grrrr...

Weekends

During this semester there is nothing I look forward to more than the weekends. My week is jam packed with schoolwork and it is good to finally have my Saturday; a day I have taken off since high school. Sometimes I end up screwing myself over, but overall I enjoy finally being able to take a breather. Second best part about the weekend...I finally get to really talk with Joe! Some times I get a small piece of time before/during class, but it isn't real talking because I need to mind the fact that I am still in a public place and other people don't really want to hear me yapping at my computer. I am also really looking forward to him visiting...*squeels*

I feel like summer break can't come sooner. I still have no idea what I am going to do for employment, but at least I am going to be taking some classes. Really this semester is breaking my balls. Hopefully, it will at least end with some A's.

3 months

At the moment, I feel use to not hearing from Joe for a few days at a time. However, I have yet to decide whether or not this is a good thing. Of course, I had just talked to him yesterday so I could feel completely different tomorrow, but at the moment I am content. Not ecstatic, just content. Really I am just spending my free time drawing and designing and I have finally finished the overall redo of my website, now all that is left is coding.

Contentment feels dirty to me. I know I miss Joe, but for some reason I want myself to feel it all the time. I still want to feel ok, but a part of me worries about something that will never happen. Overall, I still can't wait till he can visit...I don't even care when at this point. What I am worried about is how this will affect me after he is gone again. I know I am going to need to relive some of the stages that I have gone through, but luckily at a quicker pace.

It is hard to believe that 3 months have already gone by. This still doesn't feel like the longest we have been apart, but that is forgetting the couple days we got to see each other during our last stretch. As much as I don't like this, I know it is only going to make us stronger at this point. Our relationship has beaten the first hump of deployment so it is safer than ever to say we are going to be fine. Also, I am kind of glad I get to see him at the midpoint (or close enough) I will have a week with Joe and then only a few more months until he is back for good... and the point of the unknown begins.

Long Time No Post

It feels like forever since I have posted last. I ended up getting caught up in school work and being home for Easter that I some how managed to get lost in time. Sure, this isn't as long as some of my previous posts have been, but I was really diligent and consistent with these. Overall everything has been good, and in the Joe genera...he has been really cute and sweet lately. (more than usual) The most recent event was my dreaded Jr Reviews that took place. I had gone in expecting the worst, because I had heard bad things about the previous years, but it turned out to be great for most people and I had a very good time.

I had a dream last night that the review went extremely well, but I had no idea that it would actually follow through. Today went flawlessly. I woke up earlier than my alarm, I was ready over an hour before set up time, I had pulled everything together and had my review with three great teachers. During my (improvised) presentation, I had stated my strengths and weaknesses; my strength being images and type, and my weaknesses being image with type. I asked that this be the main focus on the critique and they had some very good feed back.

My favorite comment was Professor Chapman's response. He had stated that my image and type is like "me and you" and I want it to be "us." I had always known this, but never really thought about it like that. I had also enjoyed hearing Professor Fairbarin's remarks because she seemed to really like what I do with type, it is just when I add those darn images! Professor Ladd seemed to be very quiet, probably because he was the only design professor I had not had. He backed what the others had said and mentioned that it really would help if I worked on color, because the conflict I am having with image and type is mostly color based. They were also all very accepting to the fact that I enjoy illustration and saw this as a positive rather than the previous comments that I got because I enjoy it more than Graphic Design.

My answers could have been another source to this problem I had seen before. I told them that illustration is more of my hobby where Graphic Design is more of my career. This made a lot of sense to them and they really were supportive. They said that I have an extreme advantage and they are excited that I am stepping away from the computer and pushing more mediums. It was more than anything I had ever expected and it was really exciting to be able to tell Joe about a wonderful review. I just can't wait till I can tell him more stories later.

I realize that I am trying to focus a lot of motivation on how I will present it to Joe later. One of my focuses for Graphic Design is that I want Joe to see me knowing that I have accomplished my major and succeeding. The same thing is going with the running and I am really excited for him to see my improvement. I really look forward to when the weight loss seems even more impacted than it already is, I just wish I could speed up the process. Things seem to be working a bit faster now though.

An update on the running, I have apparently been doing the whole program wrong, so I am kind of playing this by ear at the moment. I am still progressing and pushing myself but I am unsure how to handle all of this. I am going to keep pushing forward, because I am really in to deep now.