Getting Sick

As I have posted before, I have a very strong history of getting sick when I get nervous. This generally happens more in the morning, and as the day goes on lessens. It seems like it use to be different, something in recent years has targeted it to make me worry during activities. A newer peak, but still a problem that really started affecting me when I was in middle school.

Lately I have been observing, trying to find the root of what is going on with my body and how I can avoid it. In doing this, I have noticed that it is always right before whatever I am nervous about, during I am generally fine. You would think this would mean I am ok if I ignore it, but that is very VERY wrong.This comes up with my future trip to Arizona, going there I am slowly losing the anxiety I have. The real issue, as I see it, will be going home and the last days I get to see Joseph.

It is the stress more than anything. I have apparently inherited this trait from my mother, now all I need to do is figure out how I can take it away like she did. What I am noticing is once paying attention to it goes to the back of my mind, the urge can almost go away. It will be there always, but if I let it go I should be fine. I am also hoping that by convincing myself that I will not worry, my mind and body will work together.

I am remembering more and more that last time I saw Joe's dad I wasn't anxious at all. By then I had grown comfortable with his family and next time shouldn't be any different. His dad seems to like me a lot and, referring to the incident in August, I had not messed up in his eyes. I still don't know if the misunderstanding has affected anything with Joe's mom, but I will be a bit anxious about "messing up" when she is around. August was very frustrating for me, I know I didn't do anything wrong, but at the same time I see where I could have avoided the problems I faced.

Focusing back to my topic. My new years resolution of becoming less stressed has succeded, now all I need to do is finish the year by capping (at the least dulling) my reactions to my anxiousness. I have seen that it is a knot of negative energy and thoughts, now I will work on replacing them with being ok and...zen like (?) My first step is acceptance of Murphy's Law, then I stop my ailment!

Drive

I find myself pushing harder than ever to keep my drive for the school year. Even in taking two studios and two non studios (oppose to my normal 5 studios and 1 non) I am drowning in my work. It isn't even that I don't have enough time, I am just struggling to get to some of it.

I have been pushing all of my efforts to my design work. I want to do well in the design classes which are expecting more from me by the minute, but mostly my Business Communication class is taking up all of the time that I need for my design work. We have a 12 page (single spaced) FAR report due in under a month. and because our teacher wants us to be on top of it (a wise decision considering my current state) I need to have ten of those pages done by Monday...I may or may not already be behind from last week's five pages due.

Mainly my issue has been research, if I knew what I needed to write I would have no problem getting to where I need to be, but this is something completely out of my league. I feel like there are things that should be in there that I have not even heard of, mainly creating a strong enough backing is my issue, they want financial, but I don't know where to start. Mainly I am going to work with what I have and make my statement inconclusive for now.

As far as design, I have my books due next week and the craftsmanship needs to be magical...not even mentioning I haven't started the packaging that I had been looking forward to, I don't even know if I am going to have time. The more I am thinking about what I need done the more I keep staring at the work and not doing it. I know this a bad system, and I am working through it.

I don't even want to think about the things I have due for Tuesday, I feel like even though I know I procrastinated, I didn't too much. I do need a break, especially while my brain is already (what I call) melting. It seemed much easier when I was burying myself in work right after Joe left for AT, but now I am thinking I have pushed my thoughts too much into school where I now burned out a bit...this is a balance I am going to need to work out for next year. Too much of this can apparently be a bad thing!

It's been a year, and I wish he was here...

I know this is a saying I use all the time, but it truly is hard to believe that it has already been a year since Joe and I started dating...although if you count a year ago to the minute, now is around the time I wimped out. I didn't end up telling Joe how I felt until around 10:30 due to him choosing to "know" in the morning.

Out of everything, I really wish he was here to share this day with me. I know every time I miss him that this is a foreshadowing of next year. In that thought I see both comfort and dread, and as the days get closer I am getting a bit more depressed over the matter. Still, I function over today with this dream that I will end up seeing him. I know it wont happen, but I can't see chasing the happy thoughts away, it isn't like I don't know this won't happen.

I started Joe's present today (I had been planning it for a while but was in no rush to start because I won't see him till December) and it is coming along nicely. However, it is currently low priority, not a surprise I am runny by my old scheme of finishing based on the due date. So many due dates are coming up...I have to do a 10 page paper, edit a 2 page paper, bind/finish a book, and come up with 6 spreads (3 sets of 2) for type (which also includes doing some intros and bios...) needless to say I am going to be busy...

I am prepared to be a bit distracted in my work tomorrow, maybe even "off," but I will get through it. Soon I will be working through life day to day, and I'm okay with that.

He called just to say goodnight....

Normally the when the phones drop at camp Edwards there is really no chance that Joe is going to call me back. It is hard enough to get reception, most of the time he is just tired and can't talk again.

Today, he ended up calling me back quite a few times and this made me very happy. The last call however, was the one that made my day. A call had dropped earlier, but it was late enough where I was expecting to not hear from him again. The call was simply that he wanted to wish me good night and tell me that he loved me.....yes.... Nothing else he could have done would make me happier.

I know this isn't much of a post, but it was a noteworthy cause. This is just my best way of acknowledging it!

RA Aplication...again

Again I find myself applying to become an RA for UMass. At this point, it is more out of habit than the original want. It is strange to think each time that I apply I both care less about getting the job, but also feel more confident. I did realize I did not hand in a completed application last year, there was a small section on this year's about putting a photo of yourself on it...wish I knew that sooner.
I wonder if I should keep trying, really I want to release the burden that housing is putting on my family. It would take away some of the stresses I am having, and also, keep me busy next year.

I need to remember to not be as distraught this time around. I go in expecting to not get the job, but soon my hope fills, I swear though, I will get the interview right this time. It seems as though my only issue may be the fact that I am a bit of a quiet talker...so all I should have to do is speak loudly at the interview. That I can do...

The good news is I will either find out by the middle of January or not at all...so I don't need to worry about a rejection letter AND if I do get it, it can brighten up my intersession. I know this whole deployment isn't going to really effect me until January, but I want to be able to pull myself together (should I be as depressed as some sources claim) by the time school starts again. As long as I am functional I will be okay.

Again I have RA focus time....I would say I will also apply next year, but this is really my last shot. If I don't get the job before my Junior year is over, I may as well stop. The rollover application does no good senior year. By that time I will be done with school!

Spring 2010

I think next semester's schedule making was the biggest pain that I will ever have to deal with. Because of my type 2 epidemic, I have to retake the class. AND because Laura Franz is magic I had to be in her class. I have designed my entire schedule around this Wednesday/Friday class...and it is worth it.

The things I was sacrificing, all of the non studio electives that I wanted to take. However, these classes can wait until next year, so I am fine. Another road block was my need for figure drawing. I then substituted a figure 2 class and am using my professor as a sponsor to study figure 3. I sign up tomorrow, and I am very pleased with what the outcome may be.

Future classes I am taking? For the rest of my non-studio electives, I plan to take two creative writing courses, this will include both poetry and fiction. For my D requirement I will be taking a history over the summer. My two sciences, I will take either nutrition, human ecology, physics, or something during the summer/intersession. Lastly I have my studios, besides figure 3, I plan to take Illustration 1 and 2....I am really excited over this! Besides my needed "major classes" everything I need, besides my S and D requirements, is whatever I want.

Yay for class of 2011

January

There is nothing I hate more than my emotions on my period. There is just so much going on inside me, I really don't need it all amplified. At the same time, there is nothing more I can get accomplished than the things I get done during this week. It is almost as if this were the time for all my anxieties to flush out at once.

It is not that I have had a stressful week, just that my normal stresses are a bit heightened during this time. I am worried about school, my future, and Joe. Everything, I know, will work out, but I still worry. These past couple days I have been missing him a lot, and I have realized that there will be days next year that I will be just working through till the next day, and I am still okay with that. Sometimes, I look and I don't understand my decision. It goes against the norm, but I have never been one for the "norm" have I?

I await my potential trip to Arizona during intersession. Although I will be seeing Joe during the Christmas party, Arizona will be so much better. The only part I hate is that will be the last time I see Joe before he comes back on leave/gets home from deployment. Either that will be the day I truly become affected, or the last day I get to talk to him before he goes will be. Either way, some time in January I will find out how I am truly going to handle this.

I swear my next post wont be so emo....