Closing In

Suddenly I turn around and my semester is over. As of the moment I emailed my Art History final to my teacher, I have been done with finals. However, I will be staying on campus until sometime tomorrow...I could have been picked up today, but I have planned based on the idea of my parents not being able to make it. Overall, I feel like my semester went well. I am proud of my work and am almost looking forward to next semester. I use the word "almost" very strongly. With this semester's end, I will be seeing Joseph in a little over a day. A time that I am not wanting to end, because at the end of our trip is his deployment.

I have been able to successfully be able to avoid the whole upset stage, but it is starting to set in a bit again. Mental preparations are running deeper and I just keep reminding myself that this isn't a big deal...I mean it is, but it isn't. I told myself I would do everything in my power to not be upset, or cry, and I still plan to keep that goal. I know for the first few days of Joe being with me I will be fine. My worries are for when the deployment date gets closer. The only real good thing that is coming out of this is he is acting extra nice during this, and we are covering a few topics now that we didn't before. I am really having a hard time ignoring these feelings because when it comes it will suddenly be real. He will be away for a year, and I will be waiting for him to come home.

It isn't that I am freaking out yet, but this is starting to creep up on me. Who knows, maybe I won't have the normal reaction, maybe I will be fine. At the same time, I do want to let Joe know that it isn't that I don't care, it is that I don't want him to see me upset. I don't want him to look back while he is gone and think of me in tears. I want to be positive and work through this while finishing the goals I have set for this time. I have thought about not dealing with this, but I kind of have to. Whether or not I deal with this, it is happening.

Holding Up

I am still very surprised at how well I am emotionally holding up. I have somehow managed to convince myself that there is no reason to be upset over the things I can't control, and it is true. No matter what I do, some of my fears and worries are out of my hands. I see that letting go of that control is a very good thing. Thinking about it, letting go of some of the control in life can cause people to become scared. You are essentially putting your fate in many different hands and it isn't about whether or not you trust them. It is whether or not you trust the fact that, in the end, everything is still going to be okay.

There is still a balance, I do need to remember that although there are somethings that I leave in the hands of God, there are opportunities that I do need to assess and decide upon. One of the contributing factors to this is something that Joe's grandmother said a while back regarding trusting God's plan. Listening to her, this was something that I had already started at the beginning of the semester. As well as the system I have been using on my New Year's Resolution to not worry so much.

I am so close to having this resolution...welll....resolved! I may roll it over onto next year just so I can finish up all the kinks. I only hope that my mood, and attitude, that I have now will continue during the time that Joe is deployed. I can see myself starting to break down a bit as he leaves, but I can also see myself building back up with out a problem. I know the mindsets that will keep me in either state, however I have not the experience to know about the strength required to do so.

Mainly I still have my simple plans for while he is away. I am going to send him letters about twice a week, I don't feel like I have an interesting enough life for everyday, and we'll have emails, possibly skype too. Other things are I am going to need to avoid people that make my situation worse for me, but I will also be making him care packages. Most importantly, after all my research and reading, I see that it is important to have a goal to work towards while the boys are away. As you know my weight loss goal is still in effect, however it really isn't going to start until Joe is deployed.

I was going to start on that exact date, but Kristen says I have a date with her, Ben and Jerry so I may need to wait till January 11th. Still, I have no intentions of dieting, just exercizing and watching my calories. Still laid back and working out all my stresses and worries over that time. I want to be able to run by summer, because gaining weight while on break is not an option.

Wrapping It Up

The months have gone by and it is suddenly December. I find myself in a much better place than I was at the beginning of the semester. As I stated before, I have found my peace. Now I am wading my time for the semester to end, as well as looking forward to seeing Joseph.

It is when I think about the fact that next time I see him (not counting the Christmas party taking place this Sunday) that things start getting touchy in my mind. I am trying not to focus on the bad things, just how much Joe means to me and how I'll see him soon. 2010 is going to be a hard year, there is no denying that, but I will make the best of it! To be honest my main focus is no tears till he is gone, there is no reason to cry because it really wont solve anything.

I want to keep this rationality thought this whole ordeal, but I know that that isn't possible. At the moment, my best course is staying happy while it matters, there is no reason why either of us would have to deal with emotions of our (temporary) detachment when we are together. I am going to think of this the same way I did when he was at AT, I can handle two weeks, I can handle a year....(*focus*)

I am going to be honest though, I am nervous. But really these fears have been brought on by other's theories on what I am going to do. Really all I pray for is strength, and all I ask for is support. That is what I need. I am letting go of the urge to take charge for the "better," but really I need to leave my life for God's plan. Since I have decided this my anxiety has been diminishing and things are working out for the best.

Soon the year finishes, the semester finishes, and it is already time for me to see Joseph again! I had though last time he left, I felt that it would be so long till I would see him again. I walked through my days, both the fast and slow, and now that month has passed and I get to see him again. I will start the New Year with him, I only hope to end this year with him as well...

Getting Sick

As I have posted before, I have a very strong history of getting sick when I get nervous. This generally happens more in the morning, and as the day goes on lessens. It seems like it use to be different, something in recent years has targeted it to make me worry during activities. A newer peak, but still a problem that really started affecting me when I was in middle school.

Lately I have been observing, trying to find the root of what is going on with my body and how I can avoid it. In doing this, I have noticed that it is always right before whatever I am nervous about, during I am generally fine. You would think this would mean I am ok if I ignore it, but that is very VERY wrong.This comes up with my future trip to Arizona, going there I am slowly losing the anxiety I have. The real issue, as I see it, will be going home and the last days I get to see Joseph.

It is the stress more than anything. I have apparently inherited this trait from my mother, now all I need to do is figure out how I can take it away like she did. What I am noticing is once paying attention to it goes to the back of my mind, the urge can almost go away. It will be there always, but if I let it go I should be fine. I am also hoping that by convincing myself that I will not worry, my mind and body will work together.

I am remembering more and more that last time I saw Joe's dad I wasn't anxious at all. By then I had grown comfortable with his family and next time shouldn't be any different. His dad seems to like me a lot and, referring to the incident in August, I had not messed up in his eyes. I still don't know if the misunderstanding has affected anything with Joe's mom, but I will be a bit anxious about "messing up" when she is around. August was very frustrating for me, I know I didn't do anything wrong, but at the same time I see where I could have avoided the problems I faced.

Focusing back to my topic. My new years resolution of becoming less stressed has succeded, now all I need to do is finish the year by capping (at the least dulling) my reactions to my anxiousness. I have seen that it is a knot of negative energy and thoughts, now I will work on replacing them with being ok and...zen like (?) My first step is acceptance of Murphy's Law, then I stop my ailment!

Drive

I find myself pushing harder than ever to keep my drive for the school year. Even in taking two studios and two non studios (oppose to my normal 5 studios and 1 non) I am drowning in my work. It isn't even that I don't have enough time, I am just struggling to get to some of it.

I have been pushing all of my efforts to my design work. I want to do well in the design classes which are expecting more from me by the minute, but mostly my Business Communication class is taking up all of the time that I need for my design work. We have a 12 page (single spaced) FAR report due in under a month. and because our teacher wants us to be on top of it (a wise decision considering my current state) I need to have ten of those pages done by Monday...I may or may not already be behind from last week's five pages due.

Mainly my issue has been research, if I knew what I needed to write I would have no problem getting to where I need to be, but this is something completely out of my league. I feel like there are things that should be in there that I have not even heard of, mainly creating a strong enough backing is my issue, they want financial, but I don't know where to start. Mainly I am going to work with what I have and make my statement inconclusive for now.

As far as design, I have my books due next week and the craftsmanship needs to be magical...not even mentioning I haven't started the packaging that I had been looking forward to, I don't even know if I am going to have time. The more I am thinking about what I need done the more I keep staring at the work and not doing it. I know this a bad system, and I am working through it.

I don't even want to think about the things I have due for Tuesday, I feel like even though I know I procrastinated, I didn't too much. I do need a break, especially while my brain is already (what I call) melting. It seemed much easier when I was burying myself in work right after Joe left for AT, but now I am thinking I have pushed my thoughts too much into school where I now burned out a bit...this is a balance I am going to need to work out for next year. Too much of this can apparently be a bad thing!

It's been a year, and I wish he was here...

I know this is a saying I use all the time, but it truly is hard to believe that it has already been a year since Joe and I started dating...although if you count a year ago to the minute, now is around the time I wimped out. I didn't end up telling Joe how I felt until around 10:30 due to him choosing to "know" in the morning.

Out of everything, I really wish he was here to share this day with me. I know every time I miss him that this is a foreshadowing of next year. In that thought I see both comfort and dread, and as the days get closer I am getting a bit more depressed over the matter. Still, I function over today with this dream that I will end up seeing him. I know it wont happen, but I can't see chasing the happy thoughts away, it isn't like I don't know this won't happen.

I started Joe's present today (I had been planning it for a while but was in no rush to start because I won't see him till December) and it is coming along nicely. However, it is currently low priority, not a surprise I am runny by my old scheme of finishing based on the due date. So many due dates are coming up...I have to do a 10 page paper, edit a 2 page paper, bind/finish a book, and come up with 6 spreads (3 sets of 2) for type (which also includes doing some intros and bios...) needless to say I am going to be busy...

I am prepared to be a bit distracted in my work tomorrow, maybe even "off," but I will get through it. Soon I will be working through life day to day, and I'm okay with that.

He called just to say goodnight....

Normally the when the phones drop at camp Edwards there is really no chance that Joe is going to call me back. It is hard enough to get reception, most of the time he is just tired and can't talk again.

Today, he ended up calling me back quite a few times and this made me very happy. The last call however, was the one that made my day. A call had dropped earlier, but it was late enough where I was expecting to not hear from him again. The call was simply that he wanted to wish me good night and tell me that he loved me.....yes.... Nothing else he could have done would make me happier.

I know this isn't much of a post, but it was a noteworthy cause. This is just my best way of acknowledging it!

RA Aplication...again

Again I find myself applying to become an RA for UMass. At this point, it is more out of habit than the original want. It is strange to think each time that I apply I both care less about getting the job, but also feel more confident. I did realize I did not hand in a completed application last year, there was a small section on this year's about putting a photo of yourself on it...wish I knew that sooner.
I wonder if I should keep trying, really I want to release the burden that housing is putting on my family. It would take away some of the stresses I am having, and also, keep me busy next year.

I need to remember to not be as distraught this time around. I go in expecting to not get the job, but soon my hope fills, I swear though, I will get the interview right this time. It seems as though my only issue may be the fact that I am a bit of a quiet talker...so all I should have to do is speak loudly at the interview. That I can do...

The good news is I will either find out by the middle of January or not at all...so I don't need to worry about a rejection letter AND if I do get it, it can brighten up my intersession. I know this whole deployment isn't going to really effect me until January, but I want to be able to pull myself together (should I be as depressed as some sources claim) by the time school starts again. As long as I am functional I will be okay.

Again I have RA focus time....I would say I will also apply next year, but this is really my last shot. If I don't get the job before my Junior year is over, I may as well stop. The rollover application does no good senior year. By that time I will be done with school!

Spring 2010

I think next semester's schedule making was the biggest pain that I will ever have to deal with. Because of my type 2 epidemic, I have to retake the class. AND because Laura Franz is magic I had to be in her class. I have designed my entire schedule around this Wednesday/Friday class...and it is worth it.

The things I was sacrificing, all of the non studio electives that I wanted to take. However, these classes can wait until next year, so I am fine. Another road block was my need for figure drawing. I then substituted a figure 2 class and am using my professor as a sponsor to study figure 3. I sign up tomorrow, and I am very pleased with what the outcome may be.

Future classes I am taking? For the rest of my non-studio electives, I plan to take two creative writing courses, this will include both poetry and fiction. For my D requirement I will be taking a history over the summer. My two sciences, I will take either nutrition, human ecology, physics, or something during the summer/intersession. Lastly I have my studios, besides figure 3, I plan to take Illustration 1 and 2....I am really excited over this! Besides my needed "major classes" everything I need, besides my S and D requirements, is whatever I want.

Yay for class of 2011

January

There is nothing I hate more than my emotions on my period. There is just so much going on inside me, I really don't need it all amplified. At the same time, there is nothing more I can get accomplished than the things I get done during this week. It is almost as if this were the time for all my anxieties to flush out at once.

It is not that I have had a stressful week, just that my normal stresses are a bit heightened during this time. I am worried about school, my future, and Joe. Everything, I know, will work out, but I still worry. These past couple days I have been missing him a lot, and I have realized that there will be days next year that I will be just working through till the next day, and I am still okay with that. Sometimes, I look and I don't understand my decision. It goes against the norm, but I have never been one for the "norm" have I?

I await my potential trip to Arizona during intersession. Although I will be seeing Joe during the Christmas party, Arizona will be so much better. The only part I hate is that will be the last time I see Joe before he comes back on leave/gets home from deployment. Either that will be the day I truly become affected, or the last day I get to talk to him before he goes will be. Either way, some time in January I will find out how I am truly going to handle this.

I swear my next post wont be so emo....

Doing Well

Strong feelings have always embarrassed me, so putting myself out there was never one of my strong points. The reasons why I refuse to pick the break up solution is nothing more than my faith in love. I am a firm believer in, if you have truly found love it will never let go. I have searched only for that in my life. My hopes and dreams depend on it, but by saying these things I am exposing my childlike fantasies. I wait for the hard core realist to jump in and tell me that it'll never happen.

I don't want to lose that part of myself. I love having a childlike heart. I feel like it will make me a stronger person. Even now I am finding that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. I refuse to be a hypocrite of my own cause. Almost every one who I have talked to has told me the "best thing" for me, but only Kate has said the words I wanted to hear. I need to follow my heart, even if it means I get hurt more. Something happened between today and yesterday that is making me feel very okay. With the exception of Joseph leaving, I have had a pretty good day full of much hope for the future.

I know this feeling was brewing yesterday, but it has really kicked in lately. With the possibility of the Family Readiness Group and positive thoughts on my side, I feel again like I can handle the year to come. Really my largest issue was not knowing what I am going to end up doing. I don't mean I am going to go crazy, but I have never been in a situation like this. I feel very confident on my intuition today.

I think it also helped that I saw Joseph (I find his presence very strengthening). Although I had a hard time grasping the reality of him being here, the knowledge that nothing has changed helped comfort me. Also, today I have openly verbalized my thoughts on how not seeing him is not really affecting my decision on keeping him around. I think everyone is afraid of the possibility that I will wake up one day with a huge "screw this" attitude, and I really need to stay sensitive to those feelings.

The Visit

I didn't quite have the reunion I was expecting when I saw Joseph for the first time in about two months. He ended up coming in early last night and I had to drive to South Attoboro and pick him up with my sister, but it was the circumstances that made it harder on me and overall, less than what I had imagined. The original plan was that he would stay with my family for the ten days between this drill and his AT. However circumstances have changed to him going to Delaware tomorrow.

This really worries me, because I don't know if I am going to see Joe again before AT. There is a small chance I could not see him again before he deploys, based on current statistics, but I feel like I will know when that will be(...aka. not today) Either way I am just thrilled to see him, even though I technically do every day.

Everyone seems to look at my situation and see how much easier my life would be if I would just dump Joe, but for some reason I don't see it that way. I know its hard waiting like I am, but the only thing I can see worse than missing him like I do now, is knowing that we wont see each other again. What am I suppose to do, just not be "with" him for a year and then go back like nothing happened? Give him a small promise of I might be there when he gets back?

The way I see it, this is probability not going to be Joe's first deployment. If I can't suck up the first one, how am I going to be able to handle the rest. You don't see married couples turned swinger once a deployment comes around, why should any less be expected of me? I was invited to a family readiness meeting on Nov 15. As much as I know I should go, and want to go, I know I most likely wont be able to make it.

Overall my fears still stay pretty consistent. I fear for Joe's well being as well as mine and ours [relationship]. I fear that I will just snap out of love with him and break his heart. I fear that the same could happen to me. I fear that when Joe comes back the same situation as this semester is going to happen and we will drift apart. For the first time in my life I fear the future. I don't want the pain, but I know without it I will forget him.

Maybe I should go to church more often?

Another day and another plan. Though, with this, I feel much better.

Yesterday ended on a very good note considering how it was going. I ended up watching the Princess Bride and talking to Joe again. No matter what I did, I couldn't stop a steady (though seemingly unnoticeable) shed of tears. I just really felt like crap, but I knew the feeling would have to pass eventually. I went to sleep and dreamed of Joe.

The next morning I had to drag myself out of bed, quite literally. I just wanted to stay there and never leave, but I knew that wasn't going to solve any of my problems. I just went off to class and wondered what I would do next. I also found time to talk to my sister and we came up with a plan where Joe could stay at my house for his time between drill and AT...then all I would have to do was come home during the weekend and see him.

Between chats, mainly right after class, I found myself in the Reflection Room at school. Still feeling bad but just not wanting to be alone AND in my room. I then found myself just praying for anything that will let me see Joe, some plan, anything, and at the same time letting my problems go. Putting myself in God's hands and for the first time calling upon the saint [Mary] that seems to dominate my family, in a patron sort of way.

I left, and started my lunch. It was at this time that my sister told me of her idea, and it reminded me of the dream I had last night where Joe was staying at my house. As time passed, I then made plans with Sam to go to the gym, so I could think and work out for the first time this week.

While there Kate called, and that is where everything started moving. She wanted me to go over to her place this weekend and basically said I didn't have a choice. Sam was displeased about this (she doesn't like being on campus alone and I was the only one staying) but I felt like I was suppose to go with this. All that was left was okaying it with my parents.

While running through the weekend plans, both of my parents gave the same idea that Kristen and I were running with. This was extra special because I didn't have to ask. The small changes in my plans with Kate was that I would stay home today so my parents and I can talk and I can see them before they leave. When I ran this by Joe he seemed very pleased that there was a chance we can see each other again, though I think he was more pleased that I was happy for the first time in over a day. Actually, I think this is the first time I let him see me excited (more than usual, I was still holding back a bit!).

Now I am just waiting on the response from Joe's parents. I still fear that there is going to be another thing pulled out of the blue that will prevent this, but, I am hanging on that not happening. I need hope and this is my outlet. Though I do think that everyone is surprised at my dedication. Except Kate, who is fully on my side.

What the hell is going on with my life?

It seems no matter how hard we try, someone will keep Joseph and me from seeing each other. Again we find our plans foiled because of something beyond our control.

The Swine Flu (aka h1n1) is really breaking my balls. Not because it is affecting my health, but because it is the soul reason Joseph cannot see me at the moment. In order to protect his new born brother, Joe's mom has decided that if Joe visits me on campus, he will not be allowed to return home till after his deployment. So now we are trying to find a way to see each other off campus, I just hope that will be possible.

This is really killing me. Every time we make plans something like this happens, I miss him so much and here I am, another month waiting. People say I shouldn't wait for a guy like I am, that it isn't worth this then a year while he is in Kuwait, but I am. I can't hold this against Joe, he needs his family, especially now, and this is a circumstance we can't control. I just hope I get to see him soon.

This is everything that I had been afraid of, and this is the thing I fear if Joe ends up in an out of state school. Plans keep being made to see each other, and here we are apart. Our anniversary is next month and with AT there is a chance I won't even see him till after then. Heck, there is a chance I could not see him till the Arizona trip in December. Then he leaves.

I see now people don't understand my decision. All that dumping Joseph will do is hurt us both. I have never been known to be a quitter and I am not going to start now. Sure, this is really hard, and I am giving up a lot, but I think Joe needs me now more than ever. I am not going to be selfish and leave him because of his parents not allowing him to come (more or less what is going on). For now, the pain is bearable, and I will work through it. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I do this not for me, but for him.

Just Because

Here I am, for the first time in a while, writing just because. Everything is running smoothly so far and now I just have some free time. Sure I am procrastinating some things, but I feel okay about it. The only issue I feel is the potential of getting sick, but I really think that I am just having allergies.

Because nothing emotional is currently in my way, I will tell you about school. Which is going well, though my whole Type 2 battle is somewhat lost. I should feel worse about it, but I did everything I can and I really don't want to dwell on the situation. Type 3 however is going really well, in fact one could say it is my favorite class, but don't say that too loudly!

It really shows me how much my subjects are loved and hated by the teachers. I think it is that I see so many parallels in Professor Franz that makes me like her class so much. She really teaches in the way I learn and, in seeing her as my future self, she struggled with the same things I am struggling with, and now teaches it, so there is hope.

In Graphic Design, I started off a bit rocky. Though, after pushing a bit more into my creative mind, I am back where I should be in my design process. I am really trying hard to push my limits and just go out and try things. I now see what all those teachers were saying about having enough time to try new things, and to take chances.

Business Communications is another class that I enjoy. I hate having to present all the time, but I still understand the basic concepts and like learning how I can improve my communication skills.

Finally Art History. My class are the test subjects for the new ARH 200 program. It is somewhat interesting. I do like that all we do is write and observe. It kind of helps us understand how critics will look at our work. Also it is helping a bit with rhetoric.

That is about it. My next highlight will either be Kate visiting or Joe visiting. I still fear that he won't be able to make it this month, but I am feeling better about it. I still try to not get excited, just in case, but it isn't working so much....can't wait!

Buisy Year

I have always heard that Junior year of the Graphic Design program was a very busy one, but I never really thought of it like this. Not that I am tremendously busy, but with my four classes, I sure have enough of home work. Business Communications, is definably more than I thought it would be, though it is still easy.

In my design courses, things are finally starting to click at a higher level. My typography is really skyrocketing, progress wise, and for some reason I am really enjoying this class and I am definably enjoying the web-design. However my work is coming in a bit patchy, these recent projects are really pulling me through. I think it could be Professor Franz, who is my future self.

I feel more accomplished this semester and I really feel better about myself overall. Even though I am going through my "emotional thing" I know I will be fine. All I can pray for is higher grades, especially in Type, this semester. I pray that I will be able to stay on campus, keeping my schooling from falling behind.

Most importantly, I pray that Joe will be able to come this month. I know that it seems like no time when you consider next year, but soon I won't be able to see him for a year. Last month was a disappointment and I would rather that not happen twice. It is really the bringing myself up that makes it worse, if I knew I wasn't going to see him last month it really wouldn't be as bad now. I am planning for the worst, just in case (pretty much the best plan for my life), that way when he does come I can be happy and excited. As if it were a wonderful and pleasant surprise.

Spiral

I feel like the mixture of school and Joe being far away is starting to affect me. I keep randomly getting the urge to cry and, not that I don't know why, but I don't know why! I am aware that this is happening because of everything that is going on, but I don't know why I can't effectively hold it down. I think I have cried/teared more in the past week than I have in about a year.

This bothers me, because I am not one for breakdowns. Though, I am still not at the "breakdown" point, just at the tini episode phase. Either way, I don't know what I am going to do; that could be my problem. I have spent so much time coming up with plans and now I just don't know. It seems so frivolous to cry over things that haven't happened, but I really can't help it.

The main thing that is bothering me is, without school, I really don't know what I would do next year. Of course I would be working, but I would be at home, behind in my studies, and I don't even know how much or when I will see my boyfriend. I am so scared of what could happen. I don't think it would be anything bad, I just don't know...

Mainly these moments of sadness need to stop. It is against my personality and is really happening too frequently. There is nothing I can do about my predicaments and I just need to work through them so I can get past them. Logically, I know what I need to do, but emotionally I am afraid that I'll end up going downhill. So for now I will stay strong and wait till I see Joe again...which I hope will be in a couple weeks...I am trying not to get excited till I know because I have bad luck with things happening when I am excited for them!

May I also add, this isn't just about the deployment, this is about losing school too!

Post Time

I had realized that it has been a while since I have posted, when I accidentally hit the blogger shortcut in my bookmarks. This is strange because I keep thinking about posting, but never really getting around to it. It isn't that I don't have the time, just that I haven't been up to it...and a lot has happened too....

As you know, Joseph got a webcam and vchating is suddenly replacing all the phone calls we were once making. Seeing him is definably better than just hearing him and it calms some of the distance. I have also decided I shouldn't worry about weather or not his family likes me, because it is against my New Year's resolution (which has been going magically) and I really need to just let myself be me.

I have noticed a lot of changes in myself lately. Not taking people's crap is leaving me a lot happier and I am having some fun with it along the way. I am also a lot less worried about my artwork and I can almost just "do." Art and Fear has really helped me a lot with my artwork and there is also a lot of help from Joseph. I am really pushing to find my style.

My whole life I have seen my artwork compared. I would look at something and wish I could do it, then I would try and replicate it, most of the time with success. The issue was I had lost the ability to make the things that I see in my head. I have been focusing way too much on what the end result should be instead of how it is. My work is coming out much better now that I am letting it take on life.

Even my sketches are becoming more free. I have been drawing the girls in my ARH class, instead of my normal doodling, and I am noticing stronger drawings that are now becoming easier to get in their likeness. The issue I was having most often was that they were moving so much, but I have grown past that and see the beauty in my quick work.

Mainly I think back to last year. Around this time, my roommate Jackie was trying to get me out more. I was just focusing on art and class, working on auto pilot and searching for a drive. I was too worried about making something amazing I had lost my art process. I am actually almost at the time where I starting talking to Joe.

I also find it amusing that close to the same amount of time will pass, from the start of school, till I see Joseph on campus. I pray that he will end up here next month, but I still am worried that that wont fall through. I miss him a lot and the next opportunity would be late November.

I have found many of my times of peace, though I can only hope they stay. The main one, based on what most of my posts could be on next year, is how I am going to handle Joe's deployment next year. Now I look at the times that we have had on our cyberdates and when we are together. I was thinking about how I don't want my feelings to change and all the other fears that would come in the next year. Then I realized the things I need to remember, and that I had already worried him away for too long. My walls went down so I wouldn't lose him, and I am mostly fine now.

I have always gotten by with thinking of this time to train myself into the deployment. I haven't seen Joseph in a little over a month, there is a chance I could not see him for a couple months...at most three. That is like a third of the deployment (or a fourth...I am really not sure). Point being, I have been ok because of the fact he is coming back. So him coming back needs to be the thought I am stuck on over next year. I am always afraid I will forget, but I see him everywhere I turn.

No Time for Tears...

It has been a while since I have gotten the urge to just break down and cry. The only thing that stands in my way is the knowledge that it wont ever help me, the only person I want to run to is, most of the time 355 miles away. When he isn't here there is really not much he can do, and I don't want him to feel badly because most of my issues is the distance, I keep myself together promising myself that I will wait till he is here to hold me and that things aren't even that bad when you consider what is going to happen next year.

There is a defiant flaw in this reasoning; I need to find a thought that will pull me together while he is away for a year. Another thing that I am a bit upset over is the fact that his grandmother told Joe he should give me a (in Joe's terms) "free card" for when he is away, with the ability to date other people. I understand her reasoning, doing this would protect him if anything happened over here. Not that it would happen, but it probabily wouldn't hurt him as much...that thought alone breaks my heart.

It isn't her saying this that bothers me. It is the fact that, in these words, I am retold the possible mortality in my relationship. In my heart I know everything will work as it will, but I don't want to lose him. I hope Joe understands my reasoning in not wanting the "free card" (not even mentioning if he ever gives it to me I am NOT using it). Taking away attachments, I wouldn't date him if I didn't want to be with him. Keeping the attachments, I love him and will [impatiently] wait for him to come home.

I think this is really affecting me recently because there were suto plans for him to visit this month, but things didn't work out as well as we had hoped. He would have no way to go back home, so he has to go home after drill. I found this out late last week, and now we have to wait till October to see each other. Still, not as bad as next year will be. I need to find a new sentence.

Some times I sit and wonder why everyone seems so surprised that "we" are still working with all of this. I realize that everyone assumes that our relationship is purely physical, but just because it is an expected thing doesn't mean that is how things are. It seems good that Joe and I talked and hung out so much last year, we truly created a great foundation for ourselves. I thank God for my inspiration to break down my barriers and let my self get close to Joe. I really locked him out too much in the very beginning, but I realized in order to have what we have I needed to take a chance.

I remember a year ago today. I never thought I would be where I am today, I had given up on my search for my boy and decided that he will just have to come find me. I stayed in my room most nights and just did my work with no urge to see anyone. I wasn't as strong and I didn't know about anyone out there who truly loved and understood me. Most importantly I never knew I would be where I am today and my housing mistake would pay off.

School

It seems like forever since my last post, and I have been looking forward to making my school post for a very long time. I blame my lateness to never really having internet when I want it. In order to use the internet, I need to be in my room hooked up to the Ethernet cord. I didn't even have access on my Macbook on the main campus until today when I finally was able to crack the settings.

Speaking of my Macbook. I just got the new 13 inch pro and I am loving every second of it! It runs better, faster and all of the keys are more sensitive. This also means I am running Snow Leopoard and it has been an easier transition than I thought (from Tiger) and the vchatting seems to be running better as well. My favorate part is my new ability to right click!

That aside, I am trying harder to have more complicated projects this semester but I don't know what is going on with my school juju....I mean I designed awesome things at Omnia Agency but it seems when the grades are what I am getting I over analyze my ideas. I am weaning myself off of this habit though...

On a related note I truly love living in the apartments this semester. I like having my own space, which I have been keeping relatively clean, and I like the ability to make my own food whenever I wish. The best part is the three minute walk to class, this means I leave five minutes ahead of time instead of fifteen! It is all just magical...I love the set up and my sheets....the only thing I am missing is my Joseph.

Internship Ended

Technically I am not done with the work in my internship, but I am done with going there. It has been an interesting two months and I did learn thing or two about both my trade and a couple of things I had to google!

Now it is almost time to go back to school and, as I have said before, I am ready to take on the challenges that will lie ahead of me. I still need to find a Job, but I feel like everything is going to work out just fine. My first goal is going to be finishing up the lose ends on Typography 2 and fixing both my GPA and my credits. Preparing myself for the commuting that will follow.

Closing The Door to Open A New

Tomorrow is my last official day as Omnia Agency's intern. It seems strange that just a few months ago I was wondering if I would ever get a Design job, and even though that question still lingers within me. I have at least had my taste of the world that I call my career. Now, I only hope that tomorrow the door will be opened to become the Designer.

We had our lunch on Wednesday and that is when I suddenly realized how unclear my potential hiring is. I really have no idea what is going on, and all I want is clarification. My school year starts on September 2 and I move in on the first, without a job, I still have no idea how I am going to keep my cost of living.

Stresses aside, I am very pleased with both my progression and everything else I have gone though. It is hard to believe my summer is over, though I do fear this time passing so quickly. It is a bitter sweet thing, I don't need to think about my time away from Joe, but as time passes by, I get closer to our time apart being not weeks, but close to a year! My mental preparations have already begun....

School and Life

I have always seen my decisions on school going very well. Staying on campus is easy and I really do need to get out of my house. There is too much at home that drains my energy, and at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't even bother going back to school in the first place.

I have pretty much decided, based on financial need, that I will no longer be living at UMass starting Spring 2010. I have pretty much over stayed my ability, but there is really no point in backing out of this semester. It is too late and I need to plan before I start my commuting. It breaks apart of me leaving my UMass behind when I am not yet ready, but through this semester I am going to have to force myself to be.

My "no anxiety" pact with myself is really pushing at the moment. With Joe deploying in January, I am afraid of what will happen without full time UMass at the same time. I know my plan is to be working, but I feel like I am where I belong at UMass, but will that change now that Joe no longer a student?

Still my fears run deeper into the future. I don't know when I am going to be able to pay my parents off completely. I want to move out and there are two sides pulling, now I see where my sister had been coming from. I want to rush it, but I NEED to let things run their course, I will move out when I can and my life will run the way it is suppose to. I am letting go of my reins so I don't need to lose other things.

The "what ifs" seem to not matter so much at the moment. For the most part I am ignoring them and running on my instincts. I have always told myself I need to trust them more, but now is the time to put that into action. I feel like my time at UMass is ending, so I need to go with it. I need to pay my parents back.

The other worry is what is going to happen post deployment? If Joe goes to UD, I won't really see him that much...will life get caught between us? I am afraid that the day may come where he wont come up here. Or the day will come where he may ask me to leave the only place I have ever known and go to Delaware...I don't know what I would do...but these are questions I am letting go for the moment.

I am storing things in the back of my brain and I will "sleep on it" until the days when I have more information on what is going on. I trust this decision, and I find the best course of action is letting things work themselves out. I may have an urge to know right away and fix my situations, but I am just going to watch and guide.

"Family" Weekend

I call this post "Family Weekend" because everything that it involved had to do with family...It may have been a long weekend, but it was still full of many good things.

I would imagine I have to start this weekend off with my Uncle's Birthday party...It was kind of a big deal because it was his 60th and we all had a great time and mingled. I wish I could have talked to my family more, but I was filled with my determination to finish the Bear-ghan I was making for Joe's future brother (and I just realized I have forgotten to take a picture!). I fulfilled my goal and for that I am grateful.

The real adventure had started Saturday morning. I had everything ready to go the night before, but still some how managed to leave much later than I had expected. I was really hoping to be early, but ended up being 10 minutes late. It wasn't really a big deal, but despite my natural tendency, I like to be on time.

I spent most of the morning mingling with Joe's mom's side of the family and I was really glad to see some familiar faces in the group. I was also finally able to meet Joe's grandma (whom I have spoken with on the phone many months ago) and other family members.

After this was Mike's (Joe's brother) Eagle Court. It was in the same place as the Eagle Project that I went to in January. There I was able to meet Joe's Father, Aunt and Grandfather (father's father) and we ended up sitting at the same table as them. The cerimony was really nice and I am so happy Joe made it; it was such an important thing to him! Also I have found out that both grandfathers have very strong spoken voices, I almost want them to read to me...I atleast got some old school stories (getting to that)..:P

After some downtime, Joe's dad took us (Joe, Mike and Me) to dinner (With grandfather and aunt) in Harvard Square. This was super cool because I have never been there before. I realized at that point I had my camera with me, but the only pictures that came out were one of Joe and another of his aunt (both really cool looking!). Right before we turned in for the night, Joe's dad fixed his computer and his grandfather gave us all little pocket bibles which is pretty much the same as the one I have that is camo from Joe...so now I have a spare...

As we all turned in for the night, that is where my slight trouble came through. It was a VERY large rush to go to bed and I really had no idea where I was suppose to be going. I was also not ready, I quickly changed and went to the bathroom, but I ended up really causing an inconvience to his parents because they were apparently waiting on me. That was my bad and I feel really bad about it, I went to bed with full makeup and unbrushed to make their lives easier and it turns out I should have gone unchanged and on full as well, but I am going to put it behind me. What is done is done and if that is the worst of how I have been inconsiderate, maybe it isn't bad???

The next morning Joe had to go to formation and then we were heading to family day. We got a pre-warning that something was wrong and that we were possibly in trouble, and it turned out that when his step-grandma walked in to the room, shortly after I did (I was waking Joe up and we were talking) she thought we were getting....buisy...and was really uncomfortable.....This really didn't help my case of inconsideration, but Joe says that the air is now clear.

Joe's Dad's group ended up meeting us at the armory for Joe's formation and stayed a bit longer for Joseph because his mom's group ended up not being able to come. I was the only one there for most of the time, but I was really glad that Joe's dad would stay longer for him. He really seemed disapointed that no one came, as he should. It also really made me happy that Joe's aunt acknowedged my support for Joe, and reminded him that I was there. We tried having Jess come, but ended up just seeing her (who lived right down the street) for a short while before we headed back...

Oh and did I mention I hit a fire hydrent.... yup......I suck.....3pt turn.....blindspot....:'( hole in the bumper )':

When we got back we were expecting to be ready for some kind of conflict and no one was home. I called my mother and ended up staying a few extra hours because I did not want to leave there on a bad note. Then the last memory till next time I saw them would have been that I was the inconsiderate guest. Another thing that I felt bad for was there was a small mess on my part with my stuff being out. I really should have cleaned up more, but I got really distracted. Mainly I had an extreme lack of courtious judgment this weekend.

It turned out to be good that I stayed. Joe's mom's parents ended up staying for dinner with us and wanted to talk to me. Joe's Grandfather told me a story of how he met his wife in college like I met Joe. He went after WWII and graduated 3 years after her. They also met in a Newman type group (I now reference the Newman House where I have pasta night on Wednesday with the Catholic Organization) and I was kind of happy that they see themselves in us. I like these kinds of stories.

I am trying my best to ignore the bad parts of this weekend and focus mostly on the good times I have had. I met a lot of Joe's family and I have seemed to click well with many of them. Family day was fun and even though I didn't remember that many people they all seemed to have forgiven me. I feel like I have also grown in my confidence a bit, that was really a socially reasuring weekend...for the most part.

Now I just wait till I can see Joe again.....

Tired

Lately I have been very tired. I have pulled myself out of bed every morning with the empty promise to myself that I would be able to take a nap later on during the day.

As I said, this "nap" is an extreme empty promise. I never truly intend to take a nap, but it gets me out of bed. So far, I have spent two out of the past three days going to bed and "napping" only to wake up in the early hours of the morning. I have even set an alarm to avoid this tonight, however, I turned it off and rolled over in my exhaustion.

I really just think I am emotionally drained. There is a lot going on, along with my social fears of this upcoming weekend. I am not looking forward to the, close to, hour and a half drive to Joe's step-grandparent's house at the early morning on Saturday. It normally wouldn't be too much of a big deal, but my Uncle's birthday party is tomorrow, and the weekend is just full of parties and events...I am tired just thinking about it.

On top of all this, I have been crocheting Joe's Mom's baby shower gift and it is taking me forever...and I am sleeping through my crochet time! I still have about two more things of yarn left, and when you think about it, I started off with 11, so I guess that is good. My main goal is finishing...and hopefully working on that portrait of his Step-Aunt so it looks more finished and like the people.

Trying to see the bright part of these problems.

• I have done well on my first Intermediate level crocheting piece....basically it is my first thing besides a granny square aftghan.
• I am going to see Joseph this weekend!!!
• I have been sleeping so much this week I should be fine this weekend and not tired while I drive. Also I can go to sleep early enough tomorrow and be ok for Sat. I plan to try and sleep 10 hours.
  

I am taking the new initiative to find at least one good thing out of all my situations. That way I am not such a Debbie Downer.....All I want out of this weekend is to come out without having a "sick occurance" from my anxieties.

Blog Transformation?

I have decided to play with the idea of making my blog go through my boyfriend's deployment starting January 2010. I can start a little bit now if I really wanted to, but I feel like most of the writing will be done over the course of next year. I have decided this for two reasons.

1. It will help me cope with missing him
2. I think it would make an interesting series

I do think I will still keep my posts mostly normal, being I do write on a pretty random basis, but there could be a theme. I may have these numbered, but I know I will defiantly have them marked different from my other posts. Again this will be a good 146 days from now so I have plenty of time for planing.

Though I am still tempted to start a bit earlier, but less frequently. I am open to suggestions if anyone has any. Right now, I could do a pilot or something. He is away enough where I sometimes feel like I am in a deployment training program. We will see and I would appreciate commented input...

The "RISD blocks"

Ever since I had left RISD pre-college (in 2006) I have questioned my art, but this was not in the good way. It was at my beloved RISD (the school I had once dreamed of attending since the age of 7) where all my effort to perfect realism no longer mattered. It seemed like the people putting in less effort with less skill were doing better conceptually and I was left in the dust, all my years of work worthless.

It wasn't even the skill that they were looking for. I saw into the soul of RISD and all I could see were the people looking for modern or post modern art. I am a student of the old masters and this was no longer the fit I had always dreamed of. It is because of the constant failures (mostly because of my love for realism) that I started to drift into a state of blind determination. I didn't know what they wanted and I lost who I was as an artist.

It is there that a mountain was placed in the way of my creativity. I no longer had my patience and I felt as though what I was doing could only be put on paper if it was perfectly "artistic." I did everything that the book Art and Fear speaks of, and I called it my "RISD block" once I finally found that it was there.

Playing it safe I had lost my passion for the things that I had always wanted to do. I would get so caught up in my mistakes that they would overwhelm me, my paper being worn away with eraser instead of permanent marks. It was at UMass that I started to regain my old ways, but not until last fall.

There have been small clicks here and there since then. I was able to really get excited about my drawings, and that is where I thrived. I guess my lack of depression also helped the matter, but as I have said before the biggest clicks have come over the course of the past few weeks. A mixture between my recent failures and recent successes. I know now the only way I could get out of my "RISD block" was to break so I could build myself back up artistically.

Move In Day

I have finally found almost all of the information for moving into my dorm room this year.

As we already knew, move in day is going to be on the first of September. A very inconvenient day, because it is a Tuesday, but I will take what I have due to my lack of say in the matter. The only good news is that I will be moving in during the afternoon (12-5) instead of early morning. There is now a small chance that my father will be able to help and it wont be just my sister, my mother, and me (also a small chance that Joe may be able to come and help, but I don't want him to have to worry about drill in the next couple weeks...)

I really am looking forward to school and since it is August, my questions can finally start being answers. Though, I still have no idea exactly what I need to bring this semester, nor can I remember what my room will look like size-wise. What I really hope for, is having a smooth move in day where almost all my things will be in my room so I don't have to bother too much during that weekend when my parents will come back with round 2.

Thanking Bowers

Even though I, in the simplest of terms, resent my Typography teacher from this past semester, I still have reason to thank her. Because of her marking me absent, when I went to class, and eventually giving me an unfair D, I have pushed my design potential over this summer break.

My lowest grade given in 5 years has knocked me down as far as I could possibly go. Building myself up seems to have even broken the bounds that RISD had given me during precollege. Also, in reading Art and Fear, I am finally breaking down my artistic walls. And all of this because I had a professor make a mistake on my part of her grade book.

It is for that I am thinking of thanking her when I go back to school. This will not be for her merit, but for my own. I still am going to push as hard as I can for her to acknowledge my presence in her class, in tern making my grade as high as it should be, but with this I do owe her in a strange way. I would not have gone as far as I have without having to reprove my worth.

Lost Connections and Small Doses

Have you ever had that one person that has always annoyed you, but you still saw them just about every day of your life. You are drawn to them, not out of favor, but of habit. It is hard to get away. Soon you may realize that that time apart has made the time together more bearable, maybe even better, but has that time apart made you closer or have you just realized the secret of your friendship.

I have noticed the difference in some of the people I hang out with. Even though I can talk to anyone every day and be ok, there are still some people that I should only take in small doses. In doing so, I can retain a friendship while still staying sane. I really hate being pissed off, but sometimes it happens when I see certain people too much.

On an unrelated note, I also finally got ahold of Ashly today. I think it has been almost six months since I have gotten a hold of her last and I am happy to say she seems to be in a better place. When she first moved to Arazona she said she was ok, but she never really seemed it. She did not do any art for such a long time (coming from a former "art major" in the career center that is a big deal) but now it seems that she will be going to art school and finishing up her school.

I miss her a lot and I really hate it when I don't get to see people for this long. I still have the eco in my head of that time many years ago where she asked me if I really thought we would still be friends when we were thirty. Burning bridges hurts me, and even though I realize it may be nececery at times, these are still bonds that I created.

Kriddle's House

Over the past two days I have been away from the internet and have gone to visit Kate at her beach house. This was really exciting for me because I haven't seen her in almost a year. It is my relationship with her that really puts more faith in how I am going to handle Joe's deployment.

Kate and I will probably have a friendship that will last the rest of our lives. Even though we spend so much time in between talking to each other, and even so much time apart, nothing changes. We still have the same strong bond that we formed at UMass. The only difference now is we feel like our time together is more important.

I had a really great time at her house. As usual we spent most of our time driving around to different places and visiting many different beaches (pictures of which I am currently editing) and we did all of our weird things together as well. One of my favorite things was we visited The Drunken Clam last night while I had my fun making Family Guy references the whole time.

Only one bad thing really came out of it; I forgot my cell charger. However, this isn't a huge issue because I am going over my sister's after work tomorrow and our phones use the same charger. Also we were thinking of going to the beach on Saturday and I was thinking of inviting Kriddle anyway.

Intern turned Designer

On Wednesday one of our potential clients came to Omnia Agency and we all took our positions wondering what was going to happen next for the company. Everyone was in the office and suddenly things were coming together.

Long story short, the meeting went well. They are now uber potential clients, if not fully decided clients and I heard my Gail and Stacey (my bosses) speaking of them now needing to hire a designer. When it was first brought up, their was a slight pause, then they came to me. I was offered the position with the first option of quitting school, but even without that as an option it seems that they are willing to work arround my school schedual and let me work their part time.

This is an awesome opertunity and the only issues I will see is regarding the time it is going to take for me to travel. My mother made an excellent point today in saying that it is actually going to be like an hour both ways, with school and everything else, I don't exactly have two hours every day to drive to work.

Solving this issue, tomorrow, when we speak of this again. I am going to present the Idea that I come in Monday mornings, before class, and then telecomute for the rest of the time. This I think will work best mainly because that travel time I can now spend designing. Even now, many of my rivisions have been made via email and I don't really need to be there when I am there. As long as we frequent our comunication. This could definably work and I really hope it does.

I start my Jr year of college in the fall and now I again see how everything happens for a reason. If my Typography teacher hadn't marked me absent when I was in class, messing up my grade, I wouldn't have had such a drive to prove my worth. If I was an RA I would have never considered and internship, same would have gone if any of my other jobs had called me back. I really do need to give thanks and hope for the best in my future.

I see what I want and I am going for it!

January 8th

Two days ago I had finally heard the date of Joseph's deployment. At the moment, I have 179 days before he goes to his training in Indiana and eventually to Kuwait and one more step closer to making his departure real. Still, I feel most days I should be able to get through without an issue. I just need to continue to keep my focus on the main goal, which is when he comes home...

The only thing that really scares me is the chance of not seeing him that often. I know this is an impractical fear, but I miss him. When we had UMass as an option for meeting, things were easy, we both lived on campus and we could see each other as much as possible. Now, who knows? His coming early during drill weekend has a likelihood of not working every month, so how long will it be before we can finally see each other regularly again?

This is going to be an interesting next couple years, and I can only wish for the best. I have so much planned for Joseph, with care-packages and other things we can do. When I have his return date, I will have a count down to when he comes home. That is what I am looking forward to most, because this countdown of time we have left is about to get depressing...

Wedding

As I had mentioned before, Friday night I picked Joseph up from the airport so we could go to the wedding Saturday evening. Though, just like us, we ended up having a very eventful weekend.

Joe's hour and a half flight ended up only taking about forty minutes. One of the better events of my weekend, we then had time to see the Transformers 2 movie, that he really was begging me to watch with him. We were able to make the last showing and ended up coming in around 1 and we slept much later. Planning to wake up around 10 my mom had woken me up around 8.

With lack of sleep we started our day. I was soon informed that this wedding at 6 we had to arrive around 4 and it would be best to show up at the hotel earlier so we can get ready there. There was also a shower at 12, issue being we still had to get Joe a suit and I still had to decide what to wear. Long story short I ended up wearing a black dress and we arrived at the hotel around 3.

When there we hung out with Joe's sister and brother and then started to get ready. I ironed Meg's hair (with a regular iron, skill learned from Jackie) and then everyone started heading to the wedding site around 4. Joe's step dad on the shuttle, Joe's sister with the aunt, and Mike, Joe and Me in the car.

The wedding was at this huge garden/historic area, I will have to look up the location, and it was VERY nice looking. I ended up not taking pictures because I didnt' want to be the crazy girl with the camera, but now I regret that decision. Every one was very nice and I even ended up in all the family pictures. I was very glad that his family had accepted me even though Joe and I have only been dating for 8 months (almost), and I had a great time.

Towards the end of the night was my issue. I was getting tired but ignored it, I really should have forced myself to drink more caffine, and I ended up driving to the hotel exausted. That was even the easier of the rides. I had given Joe the job of making sure I would stay awake during the drive home and also called my mother to let her know that she would be on call should I find myself unable to drive any longer. I would rather have her pick me up after I got as close as I could than have me get into an accident. Joe had bought me a couple Monsters and I ended up being able to make the trip home.

It was really scary driving at night in full exaustion. I wasn't even that tired, though this would have been a trip where I would sleep the way home. I really freaked out, but I knew what I had to do...story of my life....we ended up back at one. However, Joe needed some laundry done.

So at four o'clock I ended up getting to sleep only to wake up again at 630 so Joe could be dropped off at the airport. I am still exausted, but I know Joe is having a worse time with this. I was able to go back to sleep, but he has summer camp. At the same time, I haven't been sleeping much and I have pushed my body really far again.

And on that note, I am exausted again and still. I will have to write about my internship tomorrow after I go in. However I am going to be more tired tomorrow, I was really hoping to sleep in, but they need me.

Also, good luck tomorrow Carol! Your first day of Camp!

Internship Day 2

I have not realized how much I had been missing design till I have really gotten into this internship. I know the first day didn't go as magically as planned, but at the same time it went extremely well. What I am really looking forward to, now, is the actual designing. At the moment I am doing logo and menu designs and enjoying every moment of it.

The only problem I still face is that of communication. Although it is getting better there are things that I ask that would best be made from designer to client. It is working this way that I am really grateful for my internship. I am really learning how to work without a professor's guidance and I am seeing first hand how, just because it looks nice and you like it better, it may not be what the client is looking for.

I really think the weirdest part of all of this is, I am enjoying the logos with typography. Now I am not saying I have transformed into this typography loving student, but I see how much more fun it is in practice rather than in study. Tomorrow will be the end of my first work week and I will hopefully already have a logo done! I also have an illustration that I should really finish up now....

More exciting news is Joseph is coming in tomorrow night. My forth of July will consist of suit shopping, the wedding and maybe a movie. I would really prefer to play this day by ear, lessen the anxiety...anyway, I hope to be able to get some pictures out of it. In the most socially non-awkward way possible.

Until then!

First Day of Interning

Today has been interesting, though more of a first day as an illustrator than a Designer. I essentially spent the whole day thumbnailing and eventually drawing a header/PowerPoint side that will be shown in a cleaning company's presentation. I think that I did ok, though I did find my initial struggle with interpretating an idea. It all ended up working in the end, because I was still able to have a reasonable piece by 4:30, the ideal time to leave.

I was really worried because I ended up getting sick last night right before I was about to go to sleep. I had always wondered if hotdogs were one of my triggers and now I know. Though, the rules vary, I can eat them when they are grilled, it is the microwaved ones that are giving me issues. I ended up going into work 4 minutes late and exausted, because I just couldn't sleep and because the painting people were at our house and no one told my sister she should have been there.

My book, I am working on one day at a time. I figure if I can only get a page or a paragraph in during a day, that is ok. Some thing is better than nothing, and I charted all of my footnotes and had to rewrite some things that I had forgotten to add....any way, all things are running smoothly.

Finally an update on my computer. Apple apparently charges 16 dollars for the start up disk so now my mom needs to come up with something that I will "earn it" for. The harddrive is also not in my grasps yet. My mom has been researching like crazy, so I know my chances are still in reach.

It is these times where I hate the wait. The clock ticks and tests my patience, taunting me. However, my whole life is waiting and doing, so there isn't much to fight...

Intern and Hard Drive

Tomorrow I start my internship with Omnia Agency, and I am really looking forward to the work they already have in store for me!

What I know of so far is that I have to bring my tablet because I am going to be drawing something up....yes...

Also, I am going to be reinstalling my operating system as soon as I call Apple and get new installation disks. I also am going to have to wait for an external hard drive, but that won't be too far after the disks come. My computer is hiccuping with Photoshop and seems to have a driver error that can only be fixed this way. Also, from the last archive installment I am missing 20 gigs, so I may as well just start over from scratch.

My only thing now is how I am going to save as much of my settings as possible. When I get my hard drive, a whole day is going to be into saving and finding out where things will be when I get it all back!

Book Site

I am currently turning my old freewebs account into a website for my book. Though I am not going to bother posting up a link until I have it finished enough to work. For a basic concept I have just put a default template and worked with what I want on it. Though, I will make and post a CSS once I learn how to do it.

What I am really hoping on doing is finishing some more of the book, maybe some illustrations, and having a really cool site to go with the book. Though I need to finish it, design a cover and a whole bunch of other things. Not even mentioning that, when I finish, I will be sending my book to a publisher...though I may need to find an editor in that time. We shall see...

Parents On Facebook

Have you ever wondered why it was never okay for someone's mom to have a MySpace, but now it is perfectly acceptable for a parent to be on Facebook? Thinking back a few years, during everyone's MySpace days, we all just posted stuff on, and hoped to God that our parents wouldn't find it. Now, I was never one of those people that put anything bad up, but I still didn't want my mother on mine.

Looking now, all of us going through our "MySpace generation" are now in our "Facebook generation." You have to wonder, did we all just join, or did we all just switch over? Because of this I have found two good reasons why it is okay for parents to be on Facebook now:

1. We are all older.-lets be honest most members of the Facebook society are the former 16 year olds (or younger) that were on MySpace. Because of our new "matureity" we pretty much inform our parents of just about everything anyway, and we are shutting them out less.
2. It is seen as more of a "social site"- Now this one is mostly opinion, well more than the last, when you think about it, MySpace was not really used to reconnect with people. After the "tini-boppers" came in (To be honest this was people a year or so under me, technically my age group at the time). They do what they always do, turning the site into a QQ popularity contest. Even at that age I have felt the rage of the "tini-boppers" runing every site I hold dear...

When Facebook came along it was pretty much stated that the site was more "professional" and used for a use to get ahold of people. I remember my switch over. I was very impressed that it wasn't like MySpace. I liked how it was set up with a more informative profile that didn't try and destroy my computer. I also enjoyed the updates, and messaging. The site itself was even easier to manage. The whole feel is just differnet some how. I don't even know how to word it...

Most importantly, going to my "tini-bopper theory" we used this for more personal reasons. When parents started showing up I was slightly curious, but it became something widly accepted and I know people that use the site to talk to their parents while they are at school. I am still very surprised that even though Facebook has the same amount of "tini" action I really don't need to deal with it.

I also believe there are benifits to the parents being on this site. It kind of moderates itself. On more than a couple ocassions I have refrained from posting obnoxious (but still funny) posts. Nothing really bad enough to care about, but it got me thinking about how it helps us double think what we write. I know that not only will my friends be seeing what I write, but so will people like my mom's cousins. As much as my friends wont really judge me, it helps with my online self respect.

In conclusion, I don't really mind parents on facebook so much. Though if my mom joined I would consider rejecting her....though it would probibally end in a limited profile on her end. It isn't not wanting to get in trouble, but more of my mom is my stalker and likes to make obnoxious comments that causes me to have a slight social phobia. Mainly the uncomfortable teasing...we don't talk about that...

*A/N 100th Post!!!*

Move In Day

I have just been told that the rumors have been true about move in day being on a Tuesday this year. It kind of sucks because this is a day where our parents need to work, and we are starting the school year the weekend before Labor Day, this seems very odd, but I am not too concerned.

The only good news that this brings is I have been trying to look for an excuse to move in early ever sense I started at UMass. Move in day is just such a hassle with everyone in the way and all my things spread across the lawn. Though, like the babysitting this week, I am making it out to be a lot more difficcult than it actually was. Move in day has always been much easier for me than the rest of the population, but that is probibally because I have my parents and sister for help.

Long story short. I have just sent an email to housing requesting that I move in during the weekend because my parents are working. I should get word soon, and if I do get to move in early, Sam plans to play her asthsma card to also move in early. Both of our issues is not wanting to be on campus alone. Luckily food would not be an issue because of my kitchen this year....

I will keep posted...

Babies: Day Two

I spoke to soon on this possibly being an easy week. Of course this is still much easier than I expected it to be, but so far:

• Abby has completely emptied her toy bin
• Abby refuses to nap
• Hannah wont stop getting into/climbing things
• So much whining

Nothing that has been working and I keep having to clean up everything. It even seems like once I am ahead I am suddenly having to start my work on another project. For now, Hannah is playing quietly in her room alone and Abby is hopefully going to fall asleep before the 45 minute timer runs out....Gaaaaah.

It is really much harder when they are acting up than it should be. I blame the time I missed for me not being use to this. At the same time this has also not been a bad experience. The house isn't a disaster, and neither of them have killed themselves! So....accomplishment?

PMS Babies

What I was afraid of has finally happened. I am now watching the babies with cramping and all the other joys of my PMS...Well now it is more of just my MS....The sad part is I had my intuitive know it was coming. It may come at random times but I always can predict when by instinct.

I had the feeling when Kristen and I were talking about it about two weeks ago. I was saying how close it was to my mathematical prediction and I could get it this week; we both hoped not. I simply decided that it was just going to wait like it has the past couple of months, I would get it about two weeks after the average 28 days....more recently I have been hinting to this time line.

I wonder if them coming closer together means I will start to be "normal" in my timing. As much as that would be more convenient, I am not really effected either way. Now I feel like I really want my planner because this is how I track and keep track, but my main concern is being patient with two babies for the rest of the week.

So far things are going well. We got here around 8:30 and I had both of them in bed at 9. Of course they didn't go to sleep right away, but I got Abby in Kristen's bed and that separation got them to sleep....like an hour ago, but still I had a small nap in there and woke up with the now worse pain in my stomach. I have searched my sister's house for Midol (MAGICAL PILL OF HAPPINESS!) and could only find the two I have kept in my bag....because for some reason Midol is the ONLY thing that works on my migraines.

The real good news is I definably wont have this during the 4th of July wedding! That should save me some discomfort...

Babies and Design

I have realized, over the course of these three days of babies, that I am starting to get my mojo back. I can now use my super-auntie powers to get Hannah to bed without screaming....so far I am the only person who is able to do that.

Another thing is I am starting to get into the whole "detail" thing with drawing. I just made a fashion design of a wedding dress and I feel pretty good about where it is going...maybe I will even pull it on the computer and paint it...like other things on my DeviantART

Long story short....
This week may not kill me
and
I may be finally getting my detail back!

Hello Kitty Planner

I don't know how I could lose something that I use so frequently. I know that I used it less because of lack of assignments, summer, but how far could it go?

My Hello Kitty Planner, is the only planner I have ever really used. Mine for this year was inspired by one of my most useful presents from Carol last year. I use it because it is so cute I normally wouldn't use it...I can't even see it being anywhere else but home because it has my name and phone number in it....

I know the normal rule of thumb...where did I have it last?

The answer is simple and I remember clearly. Carol saw it on the floor of my room after/before watching a movie and looked at it then it got put down...the issue is where? I am VERY sure I did not use it after wards. So how did it get lost? It should be in that spot out in the open.

I have cleaned my room thoroughly and this makes me truly sad. Luckily I had already marked down my periods in a separate notebook, but I really need it again. I hope to find it soon, and I hope it doesn't end up like my still missing gameboy....which should be in my closet.

Much like Hello Kitty Planner should be in my room....

I hate not being able to write my events...so afraid I'll forget....I would feel more lost if I forgot events easier!

Internship

It seems to me that the holes in my posts have unknowingly caused me to completely miss writing about my internship! Thanks to Carol I can finally fill in that gap.

A couple of weeks ago I had sat in my failure, still, to get a job and had finally gotten a phone number from my mom. The man is the owner of a printing company in West Warwick, and we were hoping to get an internship through him. It took my mom two weeks to give me the number but at least I ended up with it.

The next day I made my call. I spoke to the man and he was saying how slow business was and he was really hoping to have a project for me, but alas there was nothing. However, he was going to give me the names of a couple agencies/firms that I could get a hold of and check the availability.

First agency I emailed (same with the second) and I got a response. So after my interview I found that I had the internship as long as I cared for it. Which is good because I had a dream the night before that there were others there and even though, whatever was wrong in my dream, they really wanted me.

So there is my intern story. I will have stuff in my portfolio as soon as possible.

I start June 29th.

Wedding Date and Past Posts

I hope by me naming this entry "Wedding Date" doesn't through any of you off...though I do find it an amusing concept...:D hehehe....

No, no any confusion on giving you a wedding date is about to be cleared up....though in some matters of the term it is still correct.....

I will be Joseph's wedding date should my parents permit me to drive to Massachusetts on July 4th (see I told you there would be a date!). Right now it is looking at a very likely yes and if so I am wicked excited because I will be seeing Joe a month before I had anticipated. Though I will not lie, I did expect to be invited, I even warned my parents a month ago.

Any way, should I be going, this will be the opportune moment where I will finally be introduced to Joe's parents. If you haven't been keeping up, I had seen them at his brother's eagle project, but have yet to be been introduced. This was partially because all three groups were never together at the same time, therefore Joe hadn't gotten us aquainted.

More fun, there are many things that now excite me and here they are:

1. IT'S AN EFFING WEDDING!!!-wedding + girls = yay! Girls love weddings, which is why we spent our entire pubesent through adult life planning them, and I just so happen to be a girl.
2. Flowers everywhere
3. Dresses!
4. Dancing
5. Partying
6. "Celabraiting love"
7. Cake

and most importantly I get to be gussied up and spend the night mingling and, most importantly, dancing with Joe! My camera will definably be there and I look forward to having a great time. The only thing I fear is my natural reaction to get sick when I am nervious, but that doesn't scare me as much anymore, because I repress the need to be nervious. It is Joe...his family is the part that scares me...

Though, it is every girls fate to seek the aproval in her boy's family. All we ever want is for them to love us almost as much as thier sons do. I know most people say there is nothing to prove, but there is so much. I don't want them to dislike me.....

Insecurities asside I am definably a less anxious person than I was last year. Be it the pre-Joe era or the pre-resolution era, my stress has gone down significantly and in this I find my peace. The hard part was the persistant trial and error to find what worked best. I had tried the ignoring it, the working past it, but the best bet was the accepting and letting it go. Though it is much more complicated than that.

This is more of a, what ever kind of system. Stuff happens and there is nothing I can do to control it. If there is stress that I may have to go to the bathroom and not find one, what ever, I'll wet myself, worse things have happend to people. Of course the other mentality is I won't because I just wont. Though "knowing" I could brings me comfort...reasonably because feeling like I couldn't causes the anxiety.

I am also learning my limits, because I am using the bathroom sanario already I will keep to it. There are times when I feel like I need to go but I really have another hour or so. So in this I can compare, I could go when I am nervious, but do I have to?

I relive this fear in the wedding to come, will I have to go in the middle of the reception....couldn't I hold it....I know if i keep my mind busy the whole fear subsides, taking its feelings with it. So I will focus on the wedding, and the man standing next to me.

Still I have to wonder where these really came from. During my sister's wedding I don't remember having this much of an issue and I was part of the attention up front. These really started when I compared my true nervousness in orchestra concerts to my nerviousness in other things....or is this something else?

Focusing on lesser issues, if you haven't noticed that I have been reading my past posts, do so now. I realized how much progress I have made in my anxiety eliviation. The only thing I am truly behind on is the weightloss. All I can really focus on now is trying not to gain anything...for some reason I have a strong urge to eat all the time.

My new goal has been made and I find it a lot stronger than the last. When Joe gets back from Kuwait I want to be at my ideal weight. This gives me a few months over a year. Plenty of time to go quickly and slowly, whatever I feel like. Though, as I have mentioned before, I don't know exactly what that weight is yet.

New Layout

As you may, or may not, notice there is a new layout in my blog. I have chosen it based around my new profile picture and banner. It was well time for a change and I am glad that I finally got it out of the way. I have been starting to want to do this with my facebook, but once one profile changes they all are going too. Mainly this was pushed because I need a Deviantart ID....but I will get on that later...
Any way, not much has changed. I found out there is a slight chance that Joe will not be coming back to UMass after he gets back from Kuwait and that really forced me to have to deal with the what if of my future. I had always just planned to not deal too much with Kuwait because of the fact I was going to see him all spring semester...after that, I was going to play a bit by ear.
I still don't know how I feel on the whole subject. I know that I will not break up with him over this. It has been suggested both ways, but I know that I shouldn't waste a good thing while it is strong. This may be a "deal breaker" for some people, but I am patient.
The possibilities are endless, but deep down (under my anxieties) I really don't care.

Cat and Mouse

"When the cat is away, the mouse is at play."

These words were said to me by my mother in relation to the soon-to-be deployment of my boyfriend Joe. She was making the reference to the question she had asked earlier, "How long are you two going to be together after he goes away?" A question, and an answer, that I do not know. Nor do I want to know, but something on that old phrase stuck out on me.

What is it when that saying is brought out upon a relationship? The true reference being where there is no authority the rebellion will come out, but in this case it is in reference to the physical relationship between Joe and myself. A relationship that I am fond of, but the lack of physical contact will not lead to our downfall. As I know now, I would rather miss him like this than not be able to see him when he does return. I do recognized the fact that he is not going forever. I see this in the long term. Short time pleasures may be fun, but I know in my heart I can never hurt him like that. What is it that makes relationships act the way they do? Is there really such a sense of immediacy? A time where the rush to sexual intimacy makes us skip emotional intimacy altogether?

However, we must also recognize the fact that all these downfalls, and breakdowns, eventually lead people to the people whom they wish to settle down with. Although, the scars of the immediate pleasures are still there. Even though these people now see the brilliance behind their love, can they move past their past lusts?

I watch the relationships of the people around me. In the youth of some friends I even see how they have no intention to keep these people in their future. They just see what they want and rush towards it. Even so, in their run, they go past their goal. They cannot even see what they ran past till they are so far away, they can barely see when they look back. Some lose their goal completely.

So I see these things, I hear these things, and am thankful for my choice of abstinence. I have relieved myself of this physical drama and put it back to a place of meaning for myself and my future husband. Every one seems to just assume that Joe and I are having sex not realizing that we are really just looking to each other for something more.

There really isn't much to this Cat and Mouse business anyway. In a way, this saying is not even relevant to the subject. The comparison of the Cat, or the Mouse, relates to an inequality of power. The mouse is rebelling because the mouse can't be himself around the cat. The mouse can only be himself if the cat is away.

So, I guess I answered my own question, though I am unsure of what it even was. Playing Cat and Mouse is not something I wish to do with Joe. In doing so we could not be seen as the "Partners in Crime" as I like to refer us to. We can both be ourselves with each other and there is more to our relationship than just his touch. We will last through his deployment, as long as our hearts will allow and all we can do is pray that they are strong enough. I know I sound cold mentioning the chance that something could happen between us, but I feel as though being ignorant will just make me hurt more should it sneak up on me. That is just how I deal with things.

Audio and Life

As of this afternoon, I have been titillating the idea of doing an audio blog. I have a feeling it will help me with my annunciation skills as well as my issues with talking. This issue is I would not know what to blog about. Here I just write down what is going on and it is over. If I try and do that with audio I will end up babbling like an idiot.

In other news I have not really been on the computer since I left school. I have been mostly cleaning my house and reading and I am becoming very pleased with what I have accomplished this year. Even though I have essentially failed a class and sucked royally at my classes I cannot ignore the fact that I have both improved as an artist and grown as a person.

I feel more comfortable with myself. I am happier. I actually almost feel motivated for the first time in my life, and this goes beyond the normal motivation. Though, I am still weary on weather or not this is because of my new realization that I can wear normal sized clothing again. I went to fashion bug today and they only had a pair of Bermuda shorts I liked in a 16, guess what, they fit almost perfectly! All I need to do is keep this up.

I also got my eyebrows done and my bangs cut. It seems as though, subconsciously I am getting in my New Year's resolutions that I thought I may have failed at. Everything is somehow just coming together. I am wondering if this has to do with my main resolution of not worrying so much about everything. Or if it is the fact that I had time on my own to get over what happened this semester and I pulled myself out of a hole to make myself better.

Whatever it is, I feel like cleaning my room and everything that I haven't felt like doing since 7th grade. I believe Kristen when she says I was probably in a depression that I had not even known about. I think I had to fully break before I could climb out of it.

All I want to do is cry....

I know for a fact this is my hormones speaking, but all I really want to do right now is cry. There is so much stress, as well as stress release in the finals ending. This has been one of my worse semesters ever, but at the same time it didn't go as badly as I would imagine. On one hand I was sick, I ruined my GPA and I really wish I could just do it over. On the other hand, I have learned many things and feel as if the long run will bring me much promise because of this. On top of everything else, I am going to miss all my friends from school...I will just focus on when I will see them again, because that is really all I have.

This semester would have been a lot easier if yesterday I wasn't told that I am getting a D- in Typography. This grade is stressful and to be honest, a load of bull. I am being deduced for classes that I went to and for some reason have been marked absent for and I received grades that I don't feel I deserved. My teacher basically beat the crap out of my designing abilities and I have finally passed the stage of wondering if she was right and am now working forward to pulling everything back together.

To start, I am going to go see my old Graphic Design teacher from high school; with portfolio in hand. I think, at the moment, she is the one I need to see about this. I hold Mrs Gartner in high regards to design, she will help me no matter what. I have no idea what to say or do. I have no idea about the grades in my other classes....this semester I will hold in my mind and work from, I just hope I am not too far behind.

When you get less than a C in UMass, you cannot move forward in the next level of design. I am hopping that I can still stay on track and get signed up for type three and just take type two over again. There is really nothing I can do about her grading me, right now it is my word on hers and I have already talked to her, she is not going to help...

On top of it...wonderful girl times are making all these emotions more intense than they need to be, so tomorrow...super midol and going to all the things I need to do.

Good news being, my type three teacher is my adviser as well as the head of design....so I may be ok....I just need to get over this..............

Finals and Deployment

As I have stated before....This semester has been from Hell. I have been absent and off my game, until these finals of course. It seems as though everything may be starting to click because, looking at my Typography final, I am back in my game. I just wish it wasn't the end of the semester.
I am hoping that my teachers will see my improvement and take that into consideration when grading me. I can't even imagine failing a class and I truly hope my parents don't blame this on Joe. If anything, he has been keeping me going all this time...
Long story short I haven't slept in a couple days, just woke up around midnight because Joe was with his family and wasn't expecting me to sleep. I was thirsty and the urge to drink was getting too much. so after all those adventures, I tried to sleep again and I will after this entry. I have been meaning to write, but even though there was a lot going on, there was too much to write about.
The main new piece of news, that is the old piece of news, is Joe's deployment to Kuwait. I have pretty much known about it since November/December of last year, but now all the plans are coming together and I am starting to have an idea on what is going on. The thing that really effects me the most is the fact that I am going from seeing Joe all the time to only once in a while for the next year and a half.
Because of the Deployment, as well as AT and PreDeployment, if Joe comes back to school next semester he will be missing a good two months of classes. Logically his best decision is to not come back, but he will be taking online courses (and hopefully will be able to in Kuwait as well). With a summer in Delaware and this continuing on to the first semester of the school year....I will be lucky to see him once a month, until he leaves...
My best course of action, I have decided not to dwell on the time that we will be apart but focus on the times we are going to have together. Because of this, our time together will be a bit more cherished, and of course, absince makes the heart grow fonder. Another factor I am taking in is the poetic qualities of what is about to happen. I will be writing and recieving letters that I will keep for the rest of my life...also when he comes back it will be an awesome welcome home.....
I have planned most of his first care package and something I am making him...
Second course of action, stay busy...I may also need someone to talk to, but for that I am unsure. I haven't been in this situation before...but that is all for now because I am at the bum end of dealing with everything going on...after finals I will be less emo.

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