Feelin the Burn

I am very content again today (yesterday) because I was finally able to see Carol. She is going through a hard time, but I feel like she is doing very well. She has grown a lot and is doing a lot better than she would have when I first met her. It was good hanging out with her and I had fun seeing someone besides my family...

What we did for most of her time over was knit and watch Sweeney Todd. We also broke out my wedding tiara (bought it on clearance YEARS ago) and I have officially re-fallen in love with it. I see others and sometimes forget why I picked it out in the first place. It is very unique and I think represents me well... Also on the topic of hair. Carol was brilliant and figured out the clipping mechanism in my extensions....long story short...I feel dumb!

Also, today I finally went on a long needed run/walk. Carol came and we went about a mile. I know it isn't much but it is more than I have done in a long time. I am actually impressed with how well I did. We did some warm ups ahead of time and I think it helped a lot. I am now feeling better about doing these exercises. I also followed up tonight and did some push ups and crunches. These will be a new nightly routine until I finally lose the weight I want.

Which leads to my last decision. No more trying to hide the fact that I am trying to lose weight so I wont be embarrassed if I don't succeed. I want to lose weight. I want to look better and feel better. I want clothes to fit and I don't want the occasional self consciousness that I get. Finally I don't want to weigh so much more than my boyfriend. I know he doesn't care and it should not matter, but it is one of the occasional self conscious things....plus I finally have a reason to actually fulfill my goal...I am pretty sure I will run with him this semester as well.......

Gaaaa Anti-fatness

Winter Break.....

I am very content with today because I have called all of the people that I have been meaning to call all break.

I first talked to Ashly and we played catch up for a good hour. It was nice talking to her and I have found out that she will be coming up in the fall for a visit to RI! A Christmas present from her parents that is also good for me. I just hope I will be in RI during the same time....
After gossiping with Ashly, I finally called up Joe. I accidentally woke him up from a nap (I really need to stop catching him at bad times), but he said he didn't mind and we talked for a good amount of time till his sister called. I woke up my computer at the same time so I never got a call back because we were chatting.

I forget how easy talking is and really wish I didn't fret so much, but at the same time I feel very conceded because in both conversations I talked mostly about myself...I am having one of those days when I feel like I am a selfish person. I dominate conversations too much and I feel like I need to think of others more than I do, but at the same time I want people to share with me (but I am not going to push for information if they don't feel like sharing!) Maybe today was just my day for talking.....

In other news my room is almost clean! I only have a few small details to work out and then I will be all set. I am mainly doing this so I can have people over my house. At the moment this will only consist of Carol and Joe...I am so close to being done though, and I am very proud of myself for taking the Fly Lady method of just throwing crap out. I really do keep WAY too much that I just don't use. I chose not to care and I feel slightly better because of it.

Also I have been knitting like crazy for the past couple of days. I am almost done with the scarf I have been working on and may move on to a matching hat next (and if I am REALLY ambitious mittens). After those projects I am going to make a striped scarf out of fun fur...I think with all of my crazy colors it will turn out to be really funky and maybe I can sell it for some extra cash.

I really need to start making things for income. When I get my jewelry projects back from school they are going directly on etsy! This should be good because I will make back the money I spent on the silver I had to buy...

That is about all....may hang out with Carol if I get a hold of her and Joe and I may hang out at Harvard Square eventually.....I really need to get over my hate of going places. I don't want to be boring but that is the mood I have been in for like a month....

To call, or not to call...

After a long night of Photoshoping, I have finally decided to take a break and update. My day was not eventful, with the exception of going to my aunt and uncle's house for "Christmas" and I couldn't help but noticing I really wanted Joe to call me because we haven't talked in a little while (not really but I am used to talking to him everyday so you have to understand!).

I am trying so hard to not be annoying, I do not know whether or not I should even call my boyfriend when the mood strikes me. Though, there are also some legitimate reasons to why I have yet to do it yet over break (with the exception of calling back)

1. I don't know what to say...I feel like I am going to just babble about nothing and then we will be sitting in a silence that is only awekward for me on the phone because of the fact I know I am the worst person to talk to because I feel like filling the void of speach....
2. I really don't want to bother him when I have nothing more to say than I miss him...I'm a creeper
   
3. Still don't want to be annoying....

I feel that we can handle talking on the phone but it is still hard for me to do. I wish that he had a webcam because video chatting has always been so much easier and you can almost pretend the person is there. With the phone all you have is the tone of voice, but in the video chatting you can also perk in body language and it makes the talking more natural...

And that is my main confliction...gaaa to me

I suck.....

I know I promised that I wouldn't, but I totally suck at blogging regularly. I kept putting off my latest entry, because I had run out of time....but now I sit here with plenty so I am starting up again, but I am not going to be anal or put pressure on myself to keep this up. I feel like that pressure is part of the reason that I did not blog so much. I also feel as though this is not as brilliant as it could be because it is so public, but my private entries will stay that way...

The reason I had originally stopped my casual streak is because I was waiting for my boyfriend Joe and me to start dating. I had written an entry not long after (Nov 14th) but it was way to soon to write a post for it because I was still digesting this fact myself. It was a hard concept for me to grasp because, for the first time, things were going perfect in my life. I see that I did in fact have a small depression that it seems my entire family was going through and I found what I had been searching for in my life (which showed up in my art)

A long time ago, a small while after RISD pre-college, I had noticed that something was missing in my life. I was content, but my art was lacking something (and I was told that on national portfolio day). I was afraid and embarrassed to do certain drawings that would really express too much of my self and, as I know now, I was unhappy along with my lack of motivation. I feel like this is why I have never really acomplished much of my goals that had not come easy to me. I would always get tired and say "Screw it" while I was at my prime.

There is something about Joe's personality that really made me not think so much about what I was doing. I heard words of inspiration that he said to me while I struggled. For some reason I had strong feelings from the very begining and I feel very drawn to him. I pushed my comfort level to get closer to him, and it definably payed off. I have not only gained a wonderful boyfriend, but I have grown as a person as well.

It took me a long time to process what was going on (I think) because I was afraid that when I accepted it, I would find out that it wasn't real. I wasn't afraid to be myself, but I was afriad to pda to all levels because of my past. On a logical level, I understood that this was stupid, but that wasn't the dominant feeling...My only wish is that it didn't take me a month to get over that...

At the same time I do not wish that anything went differently. Because we were friends first, I was able to know him better than if something had been done a week or two in. I am glad for this, even in my doubts I flirted my butt off...and recieved it without retreating. (I would secretly fear that guys would only pretend to be nice...long story...)

Any way, 80% of my social fears are over. Unlike when I got back from Thanksgiving break, Joe will be getting some PDA the second I see him.....as long as my balls still permit.....


Also, I may be able to post more now....but I am not forcing it.....