Headache

I never really thought you could get a headache from thinking to hard, but I do believe that is the case today. Due to recent circumstances, I had decided to write Joe a letter dedicated to how I feel. This is something that I normally avoid at all costs, but I feel that it is time for this. I sealed it away in an envelope inside the care package my mom will be mailing out tomorrow. This way I have no way of turning back, but now I start my usual worries.

This information really isn't anything new, I just have a problem with outright saying how much I care. I hope that in doing this I can break down the final barriers I have with Joe...but now I am going to go to sleep because my head hurts more than I thought.

Life

There are many days when I sit and realize how old I am, but lately this has really hit home. I feel old and young at the same time. I know the responsibilities I soon will face, but I still haven't been able to do the simplest thing like get a job. I feel like the ambition is there, I just don't know where to start half the time.

Regarding my internship I have realized another one of my problems in design. I didn't even realize this was an issue, because it has always been because of time. I know that I want to give hand making the pages of a children's book by hand, but at the same time I am almost too afraid to try. This fear won't stop me, but I have never really recognized it before. This is the same reaction that I give in school because at that time I feel that there is no room for error. I am really use to working instinctual, but now I feel I need to plan things out... another project for the summer.

the summer is passing by quickly but I know this is only for a short time. So far, everything is much better than I had anticipated, but a lot of this has to do with the fact I can talk to Joe again. Everything works out so well for me....(side note: why can't I find a job!!!) Another aspect of my summer going well is that I have been able to retain running. This is not as far as I am use to going, but something is definably better than nothing. I have worked my time down to 13:30 and I look forward to more progress.

My biggest fear in the running was my reaction to my mom's reaction. Of course I realize that this is not logical but something about her way of encouragement really makes me want to stop sometimes. I wish I knew why...but anyways I look forward to pushing my running limits so I can go further as the summer progresses. In this, I would really like to be 160 by the time school starts again (of course this being my midnight weight...which is like 5 lbs off) but I am going to be open minded. I take this as, I am doing something and I am doing it consistently. I really want to weigh less than Joe when he comes back...but at the same time I want to do it in the least stressful manor and the 2 lb a week method. I haven't counted my calories in a long time though, but I don't eat frequently enough for it to matter.

Accident and AC

Today I was in my first driving accident which was overall not a horrible experience. It was very minor and no one was hurt, but it was still a monument in my driving history that I knew would come around eventually. Although there was nothing I could have done to prevent this, I still wish it hadn't come so soon.

I don't know whether or not to add this to the crappy 2010 list (in theory rather than practice). So many things keep happening and as optimistic as I want to be, it is hard to deny that this year is going less smooth than the rest. I am trying to stay optimistic though, but it is also hard when the AC has stopped working...I know there are people that have the heat worse (i.e. Joe) but it is still a discomfort and bad timing.

Etsy and Run

I have launched my Etsy, as planned, though there are a lot less items than I though there would be. I am having a bit of a road block coming up with things to put on the site, but overall it is refreshing to have it there again. I am also going to come up with a new name and banner...eventually.

Also I have noticed how running impacts my day. I always thought it was weird when people said that it made them happier, but I understand now. It kind of wears off and it is a less anxious feeling....

Really short post today...really short.

Running

I have noticed that I feel better overall on days that I run. I am not sure if it is the fact that I have brought my mile down to 13:20 or if it is just getting out for a little bit of the day....I just feel a little bit less anxious throughout the day. Now all I need to do I decide between mornings and nights.

I think I am going to keep my Thursday night City Park dates with Carol. It is still good for me to be able to run the 3 miles, however I just need to keep up with jogging in the half mile intervals. I hope that eventually I will be able to run the full 1.1 mile at home and the 3 mile City Park track. I want this goal to be achieved by the end of the summer, but I am unsure on how that will go, so I aim for the Summer with an open mind.

Reminding myself of my goals, it would be interesting to go back to school running the circle every day. The good news about going back is that I will have gym access and I won't be stuck with the weather I am given. I have ran once during the rain, and it is hard to breathe, but not bad. I just wonder how this will pan out and whether or not I will be able to meet my weight goal for when Joe comes home. As of the last time I had weighed myself...I am about the same.

Phases

This phase of being upset really needs to end. That and my at home lack of motivation is putting my weight loss goal on hold for the moment. I really need to sit and focus on the task at hand. I was in this state for a little while while Joe first left, I just need to get back into it.

Besides that everything else is going well. I am still trying to hear more from my internship and am wondering why I haven't heard anything yet.

On the Etsy front, I have made two bracelets so far. Though I am still a long way from ready to open the shop, I am that much closer to the goal. I hope to be open before the end of the week, but that will all depend on what I can do with stock.

...focusing on the present, my first objective is to get out of this sad phase that I am in and start waking up and running.

Surprises

It is amazing the "normal" things I have realized I cannot blog about because of my fear of letting out surprises. I would have had a lot last week if it wouldn't have cracked some of the projects I had ready to send to Joe's brother. As well as the sheer sake of my computer off when Joe is around philosophy. My time leading up to his visit was mostly filled with baking, cooking, and general preparing of both the house and gummies I had made.

Now I wonder how to solve this problem. A general thought is to have these posts arrive later in the week, but in doing so would it make more sense to delay all posts? The real rational is that I am pretty sure my blog isn't read by the people I make things for, but if seems to become the problem I face. I wonder, how would it be if I found things out via a blog. It goes under the philosophy of Twitter and the question "do people really care?" I am a woman of realism, people don't read this blog. Last time I had checked, given this was a while ago, I get about one hit a day; makes you wonder why I bother? Even without my love of writing, these are only the interests of my daily life and random musings. The only useful part I had once saw was the following of Joe's deployment, however it turns out I am an anomaly with that one.

We all do so many things that will not get us anywhere, but there is still the what if in the back of our minds. What if this does become popular? What if I give words that will one day inspire someone else to think a bit differently? Overall I really believe that my blogging has been a bit more of a habitual state. It has been linking between a journal and a resource ever sense I started, but I was never one to stick with themes. My mind is all over the place.

And I digress...the title of this post is "surprises" which means I must focus back on my original intent. I face a decision on how I will handle these in the future, but I know deep down that I will always end up writing about the events after they happen. Always careful.

Army Change

One thing I have learned, but never seem to remember, is that the Army will always change orders. Whether it be months in advance or last minute, Joe has always told me plans are never final until they happen. Normally they end up being bad for me, but this time I can't see any immediate harm. As stated in past entries, Joe was suppose to be sent to Oman. Right now, he will not be going there and will be continuing his job in Kuwait.

What does this mean?

For the foreseeable future, I will still be able to talk with Joe online.

If this is a strike of fortune, or a strike of bad luck, I am not aware. What I do know is that I will count my blessing of being able to speak to Joe again. Seeing him always makes me feel okay.

Embracing the Suck Once More

Something about the knowledge that Joe is officially back made my dormant sadness come back to the surface. I am still okay, but it is strange to not have Joe virtually available. I still don't want to be upset, but I am pretty sure I have been eating my feelings over the past week.

A step backwards in my weight loss/running. I have run a couple times with Carol at City Park but it has been almost two weeks since I have gone. I am trying to refocus my energy back to running and take a decent portion of my weight off over this summer. The long halls that I normally get are here again, and how I handle this immediately will affect whether or not I complete my goals. Really this has been a long week. I don't know if I had posted this but my Grandfather died last week as well as other family members (not of my blood). I hope that, by rule of threes, we are going to be done with this for a while.

Another side note is I am going to be opening my Etsy account again. I will be coming up with an official theme soon, but I am leaning towards a book and antiqued theme. I am hoping that by creating a system my flow of traffic will be helped. I am pretty sure I will also be creating bookmarks....again officials have not been decided.

Joe's Visit

It has been a long time since I have posted but things have been both busy and eventful. It was also this week that Joe came to visit me for part of his leave and never have I been so surprised with everything.

When Joe came, there was no doubt I was excited. I look forward to seeing him more than any one else, but I had told myself I was not going to get overly excited (to the point where I get sick) and overall this was a point at which I had no nervous energy at all. Joe's visit almost completely pulled into a routine/feeling as if he had never left. It isn't that this doesn't happen every time, but there was an added comfort in just seeing him.

It is a hard feeling to explain. I spent and enjoyed my time with him and I saw him off. I will admit, one of the times I had woken up Friday morning I woke feeling upset, but after I slept again the feeling had burrowed itself. In this visit it almost seems as if I have found an acceptance in how things are. Also the knowledge that I am about half way done and have already proved my strength helps emencely.

The second time (during leave) we say goodbye is suppose to be the hardest. However with my mindset, it was about the same if not less. Joe will be home in a few months then he will visit me again. There could also be an acceptance of our long distance relationship continuing as he finishes college. With this, not much will change...however I would expect to see him more.

What really made the biggest impact is how we merged so well. Again, it is hard to explain the feeling I got from these past three days, but it is one that I hope stays with me for all of our times apart. I always feel as if everything is going to be okay, but this time it was more than that and the feeling that everything is right got stronger. A helpful aspect was our heart to heart, which always happens his second night in. We pulled so many strings and talked about all that is going on.

I truly feel like an anomaly. Somehow I am blessed with the ability to handle my second goodbye, and I think I have been doing pretty well through this deployment. I know the next few months with limited contact is going to suck, yet I look into it without much fear. I think I knocked down a lot of my barriers with him and I am getting very comfortable. I am still in shock over how I feel at the moment...as should anyone who reads this.