Countdowns

There are so many countdowns I don't know what to do with myself...Life is just going to have to be on rapid fire starting this school year. I have classes, clubs, Joe, my 21st birthday, applying for jobs, going to Delaware and graduation. Not even mentioning the things in between.

I look forward to Joe's homecoming most. I have been feeling antsy lately and I really wish he would be here for our anniversary in November. I know that it is only a day but we will be missing not only our first but our second...not a huge deal, but not something I would have chosen. The good news is we can start sharing birthdays next year and the time of seeing each other more frequently will commence.

2011 was my cursed year, and really a lot of bad things had happened starting with Joe's deployment. I had the worst of luck with my Graphic Design 4 class, I wasn't losing any weight for the longest time and my Grandfather died. I have felt under motivated all summer but I think this school year will kick off the better half of 2011. I feel like the rode blocks I had made are almost nonexistent and this year I can really pull together my design prowess.

Most importantly I look forward to touching Joseph again. You don't really understand a hug until it is taken away from you for a while. I think the 4 days he was here for leave made us both a bit anxious for him being home for good. This time I hope I get more time though!

Feeling Good

It is amazing how much a letter can keep you in a good mood. I was starting to feel a bit iffy until I received a letter from Joe on Sunday. It didn't say much, but all that it said was good and made me feel so much better about life in general. He is one of the best worded people I know, coming from someone who has trouble expressing themselves via words (I really am more of a visual person, hence my use of imagery) but his are so simple, yet perfect.

I think that If I was ever asked what an important thing for deployment would be, I would say that it is the letters. I know Joe and I talk almost every day on skype and can give emails, but the letter seems to mean so much more. He wrote it and he had to think about each letter as he drew it out. He touched it, he sealed it...there is just more thought and tactile bits. It is also hard to believe how far we have come. This deployment I had wanted to be an opportunity for growth and I think we achieved that. Also, we are almost in September and time is really coasting by. I feel like next thing I know, I will be hugging Joseph again and these screens wont be between us anymore.

There is a surreal part about the skype calls that must be noted. When Joe is around it is strange because I am so use to seeing him and holding back things like touching his hand, and just being near him...it gets strange to really be around him. Suddenly it is real and I feel as though I am dreaming sometimes. I get so use to having to remember it is strange to not have to and the experience is new again.

I look forward to this time, because he will be home.

School Soon

I really haven't posted in a while, which could be seen as either a good thing or a bad thing. My drive for the summer is almost completely gone and I no longer feel like running or even working on my book design for my internship. Now this is not saying I havn't worked on both things, just that it takes all of my self control to do what I need to do. Overall with running I have decided to only go once a week until school starts. This is really more to kick myself in the behind for not doing it more frequently, but also because I feel like I am not ready to really start again and this will push me to work harder during the school year.

When I do get back to school, I want to use the gym almost every day. I will also be weight training on alternate days so I will lose weight at a faster speed (from multiple sources). I am also going to buy an outfit that is size 12 for motivation for the school year. One could say that will be my official goal for the end of the semester. In the end I would like to be a 10, but we will see what I can do.

I am also on a version of weight watchers where I am using the self method. It is working out pretty good and I lost the weight I have gained from being home and fluctuating at my sisters house. Also this diet has really influenced my digestive system which makes me think my crappy stomach is due to a bad gall bladder in stead of lactose intolerance.

Things with me and Joe are also going swimmingly. We are both pretty antsy for him to be home in a few months and I am really looking forward to baking for a care package and getting his anniversary present. I am really happy with him lately and it is very comforting for him to be acknowledging that he misses me. For a while I thought that saying it would make it more real and harder, but now I realize how helpful it can actually be. Things I learned: I miss you isn't always a negative thing to say.

Aside from Joe I am still pretty lonely. I have been home for too long and not seen anyone outside of my family. It is pretty sad to say that the most social things I have done this summer have been wakes and my grandfather's funeral. I am just really glad that Joe ended up with his leave when he did because it passed all of the time till he came and then made me not think about the summer for another month. I am just happy that school is soon but I worry about the time Sam and I have deemed "Forever Summer."

In some ways there will never be a "Summer's almost over!" but at the same time I will be at work, which I have found is extremely close to school. Things are definably going to be different next year. I am not really concerned about getting a job because I have a skilled trade (and I know how to do just about everything in my field...mainly illustration is my biggest asset). What I am scared of is failing at all the things that should be coming easy. The good news is I know that everything will work out in the end.

New Shoes and Fat

I am going to be honest, this summer has sucked when it comes to my whole "be 140 by the time Joe comes home" plan. I haven't exactly gained much (I fluctuate between a few pounds) but I haven't gotten anywhere since school has let out. This has caused me to lose a couple months and now I think I am going to have to revert to the base plan (the "In case plan 140 doesn't work because I suck balls at not being fat") of weighing less than Joe...which is an obtainable 172...ideally I would like to pretend he is in the 160 zone...but I'll work with whatever I have. What I also may have to narrow down to is using my weight thing on my ipod and pray to god that I have the power to stick with it on my break. Right now I lack motivation...but I am really looking to not diet, I know how those end.

Working towards this, I am planning on going to the gym almost every day when I go back to school. However now my thought really isn't about getting into better shape as much as adding to the calories I can eat. Lets be honest, I didn't get this way from not eating, and when I am done with this I wont stop eating. I just need to find a happy medium of actually moving once in a while...but I digress.

Also in my plan is I have bought those rocker shoes that we have all seen on TV. They are publicized to make you to walk heal to toe and I am true to my word when I say they force you to walk heal to toe and if you stand to long they are slightly unsettling. I am also in the stage where I am trying to get use to them because I am use to flip flops, bare feet, or running shoes. What I am hoping is that these shoes will do everything everyone says they will do and tone my legs while getting a few extra calories in each day.

I don't understand why I am veering away from my motivation. I have stopped this veering a couple time before with much success, but being sick literally killed any chance I had to wanting to run. I really need to just get back to school and push myself to go every day. What I am really hoping is that the first couple weeks I will kick start my metabolism and everything will be down hill from there, but that isn't a very realistic goal is it?

The weirdest part of the whole situation is that I want to hate my body (sometimes) but I just done. I have always been okay with my size, figuring I would lose it because okay isn't good enough for me sometimes. I have always seen myself as a perfectionist and that part of me that wants me to hate my body is being blocked for the sheer purpose of I don't want to lose all of my weight. I have always thought girls were more attractive with a bit of meat on them and I am afraid that I am going to strive for a washboard stomach when my body isn't meant for it.

I don't really know what my body has in store for me and overall I don't want to be concerned about my weight forever. I have finally decided that I will (guessing) be happy at a size 10. It isn't that far from my grasp, but it is far enough when I think about how much time I have wasted this summer. Still, I don't expect any progress until I am back at school. There are too many variables at home right now and I feel like I have been cooped up in my room for months.

Now to get rid of some gloom some things I am happy about:

• Making my goal tangible and low stress
• I haven't given up yet
• A long time ago we passed the "hump" of Joe's deployment and I am still pleased with this because these are the days till he comes home.
  
• I have an awesome boyfriend

There really is more...but then the list would be too long (and to be honest no one really cares).