Broken Walls

I have been trying really hard lately to no longer worry about what people will think. This especially is the case with Joe. I feel like if we are going to have a good relationship, especially one built on trust and communication, I need to learn to open up and trust him with the knowledge of how I feel. For some reason, since break this has been somewhat easy, though, still hard at times. It will also still be a while till I can tell him the really touchy things.

I feel like we have both knocked down some of these walls. He seems to be showing more of his personality than he use to and he also, from what he has said and what I see, he likes just making me smile....Gaaaaaa! He really has changed me for the better, and it wasn't intentional. He brought me out of a depression I didn't even acknowledge I had and taught me some of the patience I had long lost.

Any way, things are going well, and with my emotional barriers down, I have been able to work on my artistic barriers. I seem to be excelling and only hope that I will be able to keep focus on this semester's work. The only thing that stands in my way is the fact I still can't find my digital camera!

...I also need a planner, but Kris got me one so I should be good!....

Complications

When was the time when life suddenly got so complected. It seems like just yesterday I was in the blissful ignorance of childhood; A time when things could be overlooked and ignored.

There really aren't many things in my life that really cause a worry, but I was thinking today on how my worries had changed from superficial to life decisions. I never really wanted to grow up fast, and to be honest in some ways I still don't want to, but some how it ended up happening anyway.

I don't even completely view myself as an adult yet...but I am. I am 19 years old! I have been an adult for a little over a year and out of high school for almost two. I have about two and a half years left of college and I am in constant worry of weather or not I can find a job. I have so many things to think about now and the decisions I make actually are counting on the rest of my life.

This was a "AHAH" moment from a while ago, but I think it really set in today while I was drawing. I would normally spend the time daydreaming of books and stories, but this time I contemplated what I was going to do about different conflicts involving school and such. I still spent some time day dreaming, but not as much as the fantasy as my future.....Even so, right now my need for "shipping" is at a low...Though I did find myself reading The Two Princesses of Bamarre again....oh how I love that book! First time I read it I read it two and a half times (road trip ended before I could finish, then I had school)

Art and Life

I know everyone that is blogging today is writing on our new President, Obama, but I really don't feel like writing a redundent mess on my political views and how everyone should have mine because "they are the best." Screw that, I thought about it, and I am not a croud follower.

However, I will write on my progressions in art. I was looking through my Deviantart account and realized how much my work from this intersession has payed off. My most recent artworks, have been well made. Most importantly, I have taken my time on all of them and it is very clear in the outcome. Right now my focus is illustrations, I feel like doing this to things I already know of/read will help me be able to do it later.

On being an RA....I have pretty much given up that dream from this semester. I still don't know why housing keeps refusing me, but whatever. There is still one more day where I can be hired, but I am not planning the rest of my break over it. Joe is coming over to my house Thursday night and I really hope that doesn't get screwed up because I said I was going to help him.

I am still not really sure what I am going to do with him while he is here. While my parents aren't home it isn't really a problem, we can talk and hang out like normal, but with my parents around...it is kind of weird. I figure we can escape for a couple walks here and there...we'll see...

Wile we are on my parents, there was a HUGE fight last night that started out because I wanted Joe to stay until school started so we can take him and ended out being a full on attack on my sister. There were some things directed towards me, but clearly my mom wanted to use her as a scape goat. The issue in that plan, my mom was not expecting my sister and I to have such a united front. Normally we both fight our fights alone, but this time we worked it together. My sister has helped me out a lot this month, and I wasn't about to have my mom bash her helping me....

I think Joe feels bad, because this started with our discussion on him staying, but this was a well needed fight. A lot of things got out that were being held in for a long time. My parents finally verbalized their true fear, that I will end up married before I graduate college. They think that I will follow my sister's path, but it is not the path for me.

I do want time in the art field. I want to be somewhat successful, weather or not I stay home with my children will depend on how my life turns out, and how the economy holds up. I would still do art commissions, but they would be home based. I would really like to work from home at that point, I can handle going in a couple days a week though....

I don't really know, I had always wished to be a housewife and an hardcore artist. When I got to the point where I thought there was a possibility where I would spend my life alone, I never came up with another idea on what to do with a family. My plan B became how I was going to spend my life alone, with all hopes that I would find my future husband. Now, I can reevaluate my life again, my eyes are once again open to my future family and I have to blend both ambitions.

....Also, for reasons I can't express, life is complicated again.....not bad, but complecated....

Nineteen

So I guess that this is my first post as a 19 year old....WOOT! This will also be my last year as a teenager, so this is almost a monumental year....at least I have the least interesting age to turn my golden birthday.

Today will mark the beginning of an awesome year. I will finally get all the things done that I always wanted to...basically all my New Years resolutions may actually get done, but the biggest thing I am working on this year is lowering my stress. I get anxious too much, now I will be like whatever and let the stress go....

I only hope today goes well. I haven't heard from Joe or Carol, so I have no idea if I will be seeing either of them tomorrow. Also, the guest room is no where near ready (aka my mom hasn't even started cleaning it) so we might end up at my sister's house....which was part of the plan anyway. I await the phone calls/emails and I will just let the day run its course.

It is my birthday and I will be happy [damn it]!

Meeting the Family

Today went by much easier than I had originally expected it to. I didn't expect it to be difficult, but I did think it would be a bit more awkward than it was.

I went up to Dudham and was 10 minutes late, but it didn't matter too much because I believe we have an excuse because we were coming from RI. I called up Joe when we got there, but changed my mind after a few rings because, of course we were in the right spot. He called back and I was like "We're here..." and then he came out and I brought him his jacket that he left at my house last time he was over. (He was grateful for this because he was cold.)

Once I got there, I finally met his brother and sister. His mom and step dad, I never formally met, but technically I know them now... Kristen and I were on kichen duty and spent the whole time scrubbing things down. This was the best job for me because I love scrubbing! I had cleaned so many walls, doors, and shelves. I think this was also a great choice for Mike (Joe's brother) to do his Eagle Scout project because the VFW place had literally not been cleaned in YEARS!

Even though it was a lot of work, I had a lot of fun and am very glad I went. The only issue I had faced was hives because I was clearly allergic to something there...I just brushed it off and carried on my day. We ended up leaving at 4 because everything was done early, but before this happened.....

I had made plans with Joe to come for my birthday!!! This is extremely exciting and this could possibly be my best birthday EVER. Last year had that potential but my mom was being really mean to me that year... because Joe is coming on Monday and not today is also keeping my mom really nice to me and that is exciting. Most importantly I am going to see my boyfriend on my birthday! All I need to do is figure out for how long.

The Honor's System

I am very grateful to have gotten the information on the UMass Honors society. In order to meet my requirements for the Commonwealth Scholar status, I am going to be turning my ordinary classes into honors classes by doing a extra (huge) project for whichever four classes I decide. I am hoping that I will be able to do well enough (B or higher) in my Art History class this semester so that way I will not have to keep making new projects.

This is exciting for me. Just as I was about to give up my goal of academic greatness, I found another way it can happen. I am still trying to keep the low stress method of doing things and it seems to have worked with all other personal achievements so far. My plan is to turn my last figure drawing class in to honors, that way I can make my last semester of drawing really count. Other classes I may end up waiting till senior year because of all the openings I will have in my schedule...all my scheduling stuff is at school, so final plans will have to wait until then.

Now I decide on my project!

Things Coming Together

So many events are coming up in my life and I am very excited for all of them. I am still having trouble sleeping, but I am ok with that because I think that it is at the end of its wrath! I have forced myself to stay up as much as possible today (with the exception of a two hour nap from 12-2) and if I can't sleep tonight, I am getting up at 8 tomorrow and I won't be able to sleep until tomorrow night so there should not be a problem...I will beat this thing, plus I need to be well rested for Saturday.

I both can't wait and am very nervous for Saturday. On the (extremely) bright side, I get to see Joe! I haven't seen him in almost a month and well....yay! On the nurvous end of the deal, I meet a good precentage of Joe's family on Saturday. I know it will all be fine, but the girl inside of me cringes a little at the possiblities in their judgement. I want them to like me and I am really afraid that they are not going to. Any issues that I can face will be worth it to see him....

Next thing on the calender is a think a "party" for my birthday on Sunday. I say this because it will only be the motions of a party, not an actual party. My grandma will come, my sister, the babies....everyone that will come on a normal Sunday. I will get my sister's present that I accidentally found (aka Abby gave it to me in the car) and we will have cake. It is only these two things that will make it a party. Kristen will try and make it better though....

On my birthday, Kristen says that she is going to take me out and "save" me from udder bordom. I had told her how I accepted my fate of a horrible birthday where I will do nothing but sit at home like every other birthday. My birthday just doesn't seem important to my mom and the more time goes on the more this becomes true....it kind of sucks.....

Luckily it is only a matter of time for next Sunday, the day I am really looking forward to. Move in day for school is finally within my grasps and I still have so much to do. I am pretty sure I am still not all set on presents, and the other half of Joe's still hasn't been bought yet and that kind of annoys me a bit....but I am not letting that bother me. I am going to focus on making Jessica's birthday purse and planning out how I am going to bake Joe's valentines day present (and let's not forget decorating a sexy tin!). I also would like to see Carol and visit Toll Gate before I go back.

The reason I would need to go to Toll Gate is I need to talk to my old Graphic Design teacher about being a sponcer for my Comonweth Scholor thesis project. I was originally going to give up on this goal becaus Art History honors was so much more work than it was worth (so I was planning on ending my Honor's credits at the end of my two required to graduate with Honor's status), but finding a loop hole in the system I am back to my ambitious self. I have my thesis project planned and am wating to hear from the head of Honors.

Thank You Uterus!

I think that my uterus has finally decided to be normal for once in my life. Sure, last month was missed during my finals week due date, but I am the closest to having a "normal" period than I ever have been. I had always been told heath reasons but after getting checked for everything under the son...turns out I have nothing wrong with me. I have also figured out many of the issues that have kept me from getting it before.

1. Diet...well, eating habits. During all previous breaks and times at home I would go long periods of time with out eating more than one "meal" a day. I have put my body into starvation mode so many times, it is no wonder I had gained 20 lbs a year since I had started puberty. I have avoided this by forcing myself to eat when I know I am under 1000 calories for the day and I have also realized that I was/am not getting enough fiber and veggie based vitamins in my diet
   
2. Weight...This seems to have started regulating itself when I had lost the first 10 pounds last semester. I had started the school year almost 20 pounds heavier than I am now...and I think it truly did help.
3. Mood...I had been slightly depressed and under motivated. No particular reason, but I am starting to think it is how I am treated at home...point being, weight started coming off when I was in a better mood.

There are actually many points in these three that I have chosen. I am very excited for this because it means that I may not have trouble getting pregnant one day (which was honestly one of my biggest fears). So far I have had three periods in the last four months, finals week I didn't sleep or eat for almost a week and was highly stressed....so I understand why my body didn't do it. I am very content by my biological clock ticking right again.

Phone Fail

I can honestly say one of my strong points is not talking on the phone. I have so much to say sometimes, and others what I have to say I can't find words for. I feel like if I talk too much about one thing I am being repetitive and I end up in a state of thought just wondering what to say next.

This is something that I am especially self conscious with, when I am talking to Joe. Though, at the same time it doesn't bother me at all. I fear that I lack in communication when it comes to this, but if we were in person this same silence would not be a problem at all....

All of the things I really want to say I am too embarrassed to. I get the urge to tell him that I miss him and I can't wait to see him on Saturday...Most importantly to see him at school again, where we can much more often than this once during intersession... I for one blame my upbringing.

The walls of communication between my parents and me are strictly because of my own views. Even though their doors are open, they were the ones that closed mine. My parents mean well but they still get too much joking in when it comes to touchy situations. For example, they tormented me on Joe for weeks before we started dating, because of this, I was terrified to tell them because I really wasn't looking forward to being mocked some more....

I think that is what I fear in all social situations....maybe....nah....

Seven Days

As I sit here with seven days left in my eighteen year old life; I am excited, but still unsure of what the future will bring. School starts either next week or two weeks from now, and I may be seeing Joe on Saturday (may being 85% chance). Everything is so close, yet so far away. These plans are not exact and I can't make any others for the close future until I know for sure.

I haven't really slept in days either. I need to start trying and waking up earlier because all these things are happening before 9am. It is crutial that I start learning to sleep at night...yet I can't.

Other news is I have heard from housing. They still don't know....my RD says that they just got in the GPAs of the current RAs so....whether or not they are hiring is uncertain.....gaaa.

I had another post idea, but I can't remember it.....so until next time!

Never Fear

All through my art career, until RISD, I have been known for my patience. I still would not do something if I was afraid that it would look bad, but this was a very rare occasion. Some thing happened at RISD, where I lost my art ethic, and realized that, especially there, my effort was nothing and I slowly began to only do mediocure work. Most importantly I lost my ability to focus on a single project for a long period of time, because there you finished no matter how you had to do it. I had gotten use to throwing stuff together and that is just what things looked like.

I even see these fears now, I won't do certain design elements in my projects because I am afraid to, as done at RISD, fill in a window. (side story: 10 hours into a floor plan having to start over because I accidentally filled in a window) RISD was both my saving grace, with all of my improvement in a short period of time, and the thing that has put a crippling wound in my art. My fear of failure also helps in this, and there I learned that my effort was worthless and I haven't been able to get that out of my head. When you spend hours on a project and see a girl through it together during lunch and get a good grade for crap she had "artistic reasons" for, it screws with you.

I have decided I need to do my best to break this. I have no idea how, but I just need to keep reminding myself to take my time. Without my parents, bad sketches are okay, I will learn from them. I see now all those times of the teachers telling me not to be perfect, in the long run, they are right in I need to take chances and if I fail at them it is ok. I need to remember this through my next semester. I have gotten so use to not putting 100% in my work, even though sometimes I feel I do. I am capable of better.

Mrs Gartner was my favorate teacher because of this. She saw my potential and told me I had it, when I didn't hone it she never said anything, but that final project my senior year...I did awesome on it, I didn't win the contest because people liked me, I didn't win it because it was just a good idea. I took a chance, I knew my idea was good and I stuck with it and did the best execution I could. On that day Mrs Gartner was thrilled, telling me this is what she was waiting for, and wished that I had "awoken" sooner.

For some reason that only happend on those days of finals. My competitive side was slightly active, but also my determination of my last chance to be the best at something. My CD design I thought of many ideas, found one imediately and just did it. It was instintual. I didn't not try I just didn't overanalize and fear any ideas that would come...it is this that I miss.

In my sketch book, I was always used to people looking at it. If you have a quick sketch or an unfinished drawing people notice, and sometimes comment. It is because of this that I would not do certain things in my sketch book. I didn't want people thinking that I was a bad artist because of a few bad sketches. It is this semester that I said to Jess "An artist's sketch book is kind of like a journal to us..." I went on about something on how some things we do can say a lot about us, or something like that. I was thinking about it and that is very true. There are some things in my book that I am not ready to show the world, and that is ok.

So things I will work on this semster are my patience and a trust in my artisticness. I know in my heart I am a designer, though I may be an illustrator for a while (which I still can't do until I get over these thing). I am breaking down many walls in my life, because I feel now is the time to better myself. As Kristen has said since RISD, I need to find that little girl that sat in front of a motorcycle and drew it for two hours.

So close, yet so far away...good post gone bad

It has been driving me insane how close events in my life are coming. Not only is my birthday 10 days away, but I am going to school in a little over two weeks. My birthday is a bit exciting because I am going to be 19 (champagne birthday...which is the same as a golden birthday) and supposedly this is my lucky year. I really wish to make plans, but I may just end up staying at home.

What I am looking forward to more is going back to school. I miss everyone and would really like to see Joe. I am also looking forward to how people will respond to my hair, I know it is back to my natural color (and is the length that I always get it cut) but it still surprises me every time I catch my reflection. It has been so long since it has looked this dark and normal.

Also, days like today I get traumatized. I had to go to the eye doctor with my dad and Oprah was on while I was in the waiting room...what was her subject...Sex.....Why today? I tried so hard to just not listen to most of it, especially when my dad was there, and I ended up hearing a little more than I needed to know. Though, there were some things that I had heard (mostly on communication) that I think may actually be of use for me to know. It also made me think of my views on sexuality.

I am personally for abstinence, I have nothing against people who don't do it and I don't think less of anyone who doesn't do it, but for me it is just the better idea. There is not only religious reasons but very good logical points:

1. You build a stronger relationship. There is no worrying if the person is just "using" you for your body or if all they care about is being physical because it isn't an aspect of the relationship. It would also help control the love vs lust senario...
   
2. Pregnancy, think birth control is effective....meet Abigail (condom) and Hannah (the pill) my nieces.
3. STDs................
4. (this one is my number one non-religious) My sister read a study where every time you hit an orgasm you create a stereo type for you to get to it again. In doing this you could create a disadvantage to the person who you truly love. It is mainly this reason why I have decided that I will not go anywhere near a climax before I am married. I don't want to compare or have anything against my husband.

This is also the reason I am keeping myself in the dark over things like this episode of Oprah. The more you know, the more you start thinking about these sorts of things. I have noticed this more as I have learned different things about sex over time. I always cut myself off at a certain thinking point because I know how easy it is once you get to that certain point. The less I think about it the less I have the urge to do it.

So I wonder about another subject my sister has brought up. How much will I tell my children? I do think knowing is important, and even though I have a lack of communication with my parents I do feel that it is important. My mom would know a lot more about my life if she didn't make fun of me for everything I say and do (but at the same time I know I can tell her anything). My confiding is in my sister and I think that is why I never tried to open these lines with my mother.

Point being...I think the level I know is fine, it is just enough, but I have always been sure of my choice to wait till I was married...I am very glad that I have so much time to think about what I am going to do, but I also think this is something that I need to have more experience before I can decide...so I wait.

Another good thing for you to understand, is I am not going to go into my marriage completely blind. I know that anything I REALLY need to know will be told to me by either my mother or sister (and I hear Kris is giving me a book a month before my wedding full of things I need to know as a girl...I don't want to know anything more than that) I resent that I need to find out, but I have decided to keep all this till a month before my wedding, long enough to process the information and know what goes on.

and I can't believe that a post that was suppose to be about how much I want to go back to school turned into a sex talk... *shudders*... Realize I am not as prudish deep down, this is completely a defense mechanism for my purity. I fear my ability because sometimes I feel that no one believes in me.

My sister is literally my supporter in this. She is where I seek council and knows what I am going through. I feel like I can do it because I know she did...still it stresses me because not even my mother is being a support...she isn't pressuring me either way, but she isn't being helpful thinking that I am already having sex half the time...

This quote helped made me feel better....

Without counsel plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed

— (Prov. 15:22)

Lookin' Good

This has been on my mind for a while so I am finally going to make it official. Assuming this mood keeps, I will be spending next semester looking as nice as I can on a daily basis. I bought new accessories and make up brushes. I am also going to get my hair color fixed (back to dark brown...not two colors) and my eyebrows done.

I feel like I am in a good make up mood, but right now I have no where to go. I hope that I will keep this up during the semester because it should give me a little boost in my step and make me feel better about myself...

My game plan...look cute ^_^

A sign of hope...

I know this doesn't mean much, but I just read that the RA training will not start until the 22nd this year. What this means for me:

1. I have an extra week where I can hear from people
2. There is still a chance that they will be hiring
3. I don't need to lose hope just yet

This makes me feel so much better, because this also means I could have another week to get my stuff together....also I still feel I am qualified with my gpa and such...

Speaking of GPAs I have finally received my jewelry grade and have a B-. I am not happy with this and feel that I should have a higher grade, especially considering I had no help from the teacher because she was sick and I melted my final project and had to start over. It makes me very frustrated because of it threatening my gpa, but I am still on honors and the deans list so I am not going to complain.....ok that is a lie.

I hold on to the hope that I could still have this job and am having mixed feelings on how not getting the job (again) will affect me....there is still one more try, one last shot. I will not try for my senior year because I will be leaving the school not long after...but you never know what the future will bring.

In other news, my push up (and other crap) exercizes are going really well. I can go to fifty straight through in almost all exercizes and I am still working on doing a "real" push up with out cheating...I want to be able to not have to do it "girlie style." I feel as though it is going well. All I need to do is figure out my schedual for next year...and make gym plans.

I think for running, tredmil will work best for me. That way, in knowing I can stop at any time, I will not pressure myself too much and if I overwork and need to stop...I'll stop. I guess a resulution for this year is to not over stress my situations. Pressure on my self is ok, but I don't want to be uber upset if it doesn't work out exactly like I planned. Even in blogging, I have been doing it more because I am ok with stopping for a couple days if I have too. I know that it won't be as frequent when I get on campus, and that is ok.

I am also looking forward to next monday, because then I get to use the creepy voice in saying "seven days!" ^_^ almost my birthday!!!

RA Position

I have yet to hear about whether or not I am an RA, but as the days go by I find it more and more difficult to believe that I have the position. This is really making me self conscious because it starts me on the "why am I not good enough" train. I sit wondering, in my second time around this process, why I still am not the right "RA material." Am I trying too hard?

I was recently wondering why the heck I have not even heard from housing. I was suppose to hear either way, and until now I have been optimistic on that could be a good thing. I also accidentally came across my RD's blog and read an entry on interviewing, which he posted a couple of days before my interview. I wish I had seen this before because it just may have given me an edge on the interview...at least I know I gave him some answers that should have stuck out in his mind.

I may call in a couple days...though I have not decided if that is the right thing to do. I do not want to be a pest like my mom keeps telling me I will be, but I also want a direct answer; even though it will probably be a no at this time.

The main question to myself came up earlier today. Do I keep my application and try yet again to be an RA in the fall term. I have thought about this a lot, and even though I am somewhat discouraged to do this again, I really want to be an RA. It isn't even about the money that I will save, I love my RAs and I want to be one of them.

>_<>_<

Workout Buddies

I have had an unexpected amount of people contact me with the thought of exercising with me during the spring semester. So far, I have Sam, Erin and Joe as possible work out buddies and I would like to find a way to work with each of them. This may be a good idea because each of them will give me a different experience at the gym. Joe and Erin will be mainly running, Joe will force me to push myself, Erin it would be more relaxed...Sam at the gym will probably be on the machines (like the bike one) and I would go for longer than I would on my own.

This all sounds like a good plan, and I am not sure if these are all just people's resolutions, but I am very grateful that so many people want to do this with me because I don't have to go in this alone and I think that is what I truly need to realize in my works. I don't necessarily feel as though I am losing weight already (mainly people, like my sister, keep telling me), I know I am getting stronger though; it has become easier to do my push ups and other exercises.....my main goal before the semester, be able to do a real push up (this is especially hard because all my weight is in my top half...)

Only time can tell, but this time I am more determined and I am definably not going to put so much pressure on myself that I will give up. If it does not work out...it is okay...I will just keep at it. I have a 17 week a semester and I should be able to get really close to my 140 lb goal and then however much is left I can finish by the end of the summer maybe I could even get down to my all time goal of 135! Weight isn't really a concern at this point. I want to be in around a size 10 and maybe in the long run a 8 or a 6...we will see how my body ajusts to the weight loss an then I will make a better decision.

Comissions

I have made one last leap in my hopes for finding income in the things that I enjoy. I am putting up a post on Etsy to get a commission for drawing portraits. I only wish that I had my big paper and easel here so I could do bigger portraits for more money. This is okay, because the smaller size is easier for transport and I wont have any issues trying to ship the product.

Also I have joined the website Tumblr, finally, after being asked for a year by Carol. I do think it is a cool site because of the fact that you can update things you randomly see and hear and also show when I make my recent blog posts!

In other news I have emailed all the nececery people for the RA position as well as my Jewelry grade (which still has not come in!) and I will update when I know what the heck is going on.....

Talks Too Much

I feel like sometimes I have a little too much to say in a conversation. I look at my friends that I talk to online and I have a good 50 words to every one of theirs. Is this a bad quality? Sure, I feel like I am being annoying sometimes, but this is how I feel my point will come across best, and I have yet to have anyone complain about how much I send to them...

Then, I think about my other conversations that I have. I always say more. In person, on the phone, anytime there is a conversation I feel like I dominate it. It isn't that I don't listen (I love listening to people's stories, lives, and pasts...I wish I would be told more!) it is that I always have 80 billion stories as well, or a lot to say....if I am actually saying anything.

I still worry. I have tried leaving a silence but it is almost as if it is my job to fill the space now.....maybe I am just over thinking the entire situation. It is really only the internet that makes me self conscious; seeing a one word response in the middle of everything I just wrote. My smallest conversation box is still probably bigger than most people's largest.

Long story short...I think I talk too much!