So close, yet so far away...good post gone bad

It has been driving me insane how close events in my life are coming. Not only is my birthday 10 days away, but I am going to school in a little over two weeks. My birthday is a bit exciting because I am going to be 19 (champagne birthday...which is the same as a golden birthday) and supposedly this is my lucky year. I really wish to make plans, but I may just end up staying at home.

What I am looking forward to more is going back to school. I miss everyone and would really like to see Joe. I am also looking forward to how people will respond to my hair, I know it is back to my natural color (and is the length that I always get it cut) but it still surprises me every time I catch my reflection. It has been so long since it has looked this dark and normal.

Also, days like today I get traumatized. I had to go to the eye doctor with my dad and Oprah was on while I was in the waiting room...what was her subject...Sex.....Why today? I tried so hard to just not listen to most of it, especially when my dad was there, and I ended up hearing a little more than I needed to know. Though, there were some things that I had heard (mostly on communication) that I think may actually be of use for me to know. It also made me think of my views on sexuality.

I am personally for abstinence, I have nothing against people who don't do it and I don't think less of anyone who doesn't do it, but for me it is just the better idea. There is not only religious reasons but very good logical points:

1. You build a stronger relationship. There is no worrying if the person is just "using" you for your body or if all they care about is being physical because it isn't an aspect of the relationship. It would also help control the love vs lust senario...
   
2. Pregnancy, think birth control is effective....meet Abigail (condom) and Hannah (the pill) my nieces.
3. STDs................
4. (this one is my number one non-religious) My sister read a study where every time you hit an orgasm you create a stereo type for you to get to it again. In doing this you could create a disadvantage to the person who you truly love. It is mainly this reason why I have decided that I will not go anywhere near a climax before I am married. I don't want to compare or have anything against my husband.

This is also the reason I am keeping myself in the dark over things like this episode of Oprah. The more you know, the more you start thinking about these sorts of things. I have noticed this more as I have learned different things about sex over time. I always cut myself off at a certain thinking point because I know how easy it is once you get to that certain point. The less I think about it the less I have the urge to do it.

So I wonder about another subject my sister has brought up. How much will I tell my children? I do think knowing is important, and even though I have a lack of communication with my parents I do feel that it is important. My mom would know a lot more about my life if she didn't make fun of me for everything I say and do (but at the same time I know I can tell her anything). My confiding is in my sister and I think that is why I never tried to open these lines with my mother.

Point being...I think the level I know is fine, it is just enough, but I have always been sure of my choice to wait till I was married...I am very glad that I have so much time to think about what I am going to do, but I also think this is something that I need to have more experience before I can decide...so I wait.

Another good thing for you to understand, is I am not going to go into my marriage completely blind. I know that anything I REALLY need to know will be told to me by either my mother or sister (and I hear Kris is giving me a book a month before my wedding full of things I need to know as a girl...I don't want to know anything more than that) I resent that I need to find out, but I have decided to keep all this till a month before my wedding, long enough to process the information and know what goes on.

and I can't believe that a post that was suppose to be about how much I want to go back to school turned into a sex talk... *shudders*... Realize I am not as prudish deep down, this is completely a defense mechanism for my purity. I fear my ability because sometimes I feel that no one believes in me.

My sister is literally my supporter in this. She is where I seek council and knows what I am going through. I feel like I can do it because I know she did...still it stresses me because not even my mother is being a support...she isn't pressuring me either way, but she isn't being helpful thinking that I am already having sex half the time...

This quote helped made me feel better....

Without counsel plans go wrong, but with many advisers they succeed

— (Prov. 15:22)