Design Marathon and Friend

This weekend was as close to a Design Marathon as it gets. I don't know if I have mentioned my philosophy of not working on Saturday before, but do know that it exists. Since college has began, I have been faithful to this; no school work will be done between the last class on Friday and sometime during Sunday. In this I got my one break during a long week, but this weekend it became necessary to work on these nights so that way I could get ahead on some projects both in and outside of school.

My Graphic Design has been my main priority. I have even more to prove now than I did at the beginning of the desire. Over time I have worked on my homework just a little bit so I will be right on my mark for Tuesday. I have also worked on a drawing for a butterfly contest, a poster for the Graphic Design Senior show, and the recommendation letter for my internship that I have been putting off for months. I also ended up sending the essay for my Junior Review that is coming up in a couple weeks, and good thing I did because I did not know it was due tomorrow.

I have so much going on, but I am determined. I will figure out what I am going to do about Graphic Design and I will not come out of my meeting with a failing grade. I need to do well, and this will just push me stronger into the graphic designer that I truly am. I feel like I have grown so much this semester, especially with time management and my design focus. I am pushing myself to achieve this, because of my goals for when Joseph is away. This deployment is a time I can use to better myself...and I will.

Speaking of bettering myself, I am going to go on a tangent regarding my running. I have made a between phase to do until I feel ready for phase 4 (which may end up being Thursday) and it is going very well. What I have been doing wasn't very good for me because I was starting to get very frustrated, but I feel better with this between stage getting me ready for the next phase. I am alternating 3 min of walking/jogging (after the 5 min warm up) and I hope this will help get me ready for the 5 minute jog I will have to do in phase 4. I am still worried about this step and my mind is almost making a block. For some reason I don't want to believe I can run that far...but really I can jog three minutes with out qualms.

Back to the focus of this entry, I have also met one of the girlfriends of Joe's unit. She had contacted me because we both go to UMass and her boyfriend let her know of my existence and I think she is as glad as me to find someone who "understands." She is in a much rougher position than I am, but I hope I can help her out by relating. I will probably meet up with her soon and Joe made a wonderful suggestion of getting another unit-mate's sister to join us. He refereed to it as a mini FRG for UMass and I am currently titillating with this good idea. Right now though, I am going to focus on fixing my current Graphic Design delema and we will see where time takes me later.

Down

I am feeling a bit down today because I have found out that I am, for all practical purposes, failing my Graphic Design class. This would not bother me if I had done anything to deserve this grade, but my Professor cannot get my disk to work with her computers and because I gave her a "blank disk" I have an automatic failure in Project 1 (of three). I have made an appointment with her for Tuesday morning and we will resolve this issue then. Right now I plan on keeping on the down low for my family until I find out what is really going on.

My main goal for Tuesday is getting that disk to work on a computer. I don't care how many I need to try because know it worked before I gave it to her. The only thing that comforts me right now is that I had literally done everything in my power to make sure that disk was working before I gave it to her. In turn there was absolutely nothing, in all of my power, that could have prevented this error. If I show her the disk working in the labs there is no reason for her to mark me down; worse comes to worse, my computer has records that I haven't touched those files since 30 minutes before this project was due.

Besides what I know and how I can fix it. I am really freaking out. This is one of my worst fears and if this cannot be resolved I am behind a full year. My professor is about to see a side of me that I normally ration for the course of the school year. I am determined to get into Graphic Design V next semester, and I will. I am just really glad that she had told me about this before hand, and that I will be able to prepare myself for meeting with her. I am also thankful that I was able to talk to Joe today and he made me feel better.

Another fear that I have is that this is going to get blamed on the deployment. I can honestly say it has affected my schoolwork at a minimum and the only thing that was an issue was getting back into the rhythm of school. I am there now and am willing to work through my cursed spring semesters. This is twice now, and a pattern that is a pain in my butt. I am really getting tired of this crap happening to me, but honestly....there is no reason I should lose this program. I belong in the Graphic Design program and I will fight for it till I graduate!

Training Conflictions

After speaking with my father about strength and training in general. I wonder if the program I have been training is the right one for me. Dad stressed the running every day if I am going to get anywhere and basically was telling me how much weight I have gained "since Joe left." Really I don't know what to make of this. He has very good points, but him and my mom then argued with my grandmother when she asked me if I had lost weight.

This weekend, and all my time at home, has killed my confidence in the program. Last week in general, where I have brought myself up to square one, makes me question if I am trying hard enough with exercising. I have made it so I need to lose more than the easy one pound a week...and I feel kind of down about it. I really want to do this, but I am not sure if it is working in this way.

I see three options:

1. Start running every day. I can either do the program while doing this, or not. I do not hurt after my running sessions, so I can see this as a possibility. But the problem lies in if I hurt myself and if I end up getting myself tired of trying.
   
2. Keep to the program, but doing the core exercises that I had originally planned for my off days (but never started). This is something that I was told I "should" be doing from the beginning, and it will give me the extra days of exercising while not killing my running muscles.
3. Change nothing.
   

My biggest concern is still overwhelming myself, but I am finally getting to the end of that hump. I just need to remember to keep focus during times like this. Even though I know the exercising de-stresses me a bit, I still have trouble making myself do it. Maybe everyday will ease up, or maybe I should try and go further....T_T this really shouldn't be hard.

Down A Minute

This week has been filled with such good things and bad things. For one, I am pretty sure I have gained weight since last week. I have been eating like crazy and lost my iPod for some time (which is what I have been using to count calories). Overall I just feel fatter and really need to get back on the wagon about my weight, I am also thinking of starting the core exercises again, just to bump myself back into the game.

On the brighter note. Running outside for 1.1 mile I have cut down my time from 15:36 being my fastest mile to 14:29 being my official clock in for today. I feel better about this, but I feel as though my overall stamina isn't the same as it is on the treadmill. I think that this means that I run faster on pavement (most likely because the only reason I am running so slow on the treadmill is because I am programing it). I don't really know how I can moderate my speed more while still feeling like I am not just bouncy walking. I feel ok about this progress and look forward to going back to both my training and diet.

I just hope that I will be able to pull through with this. Every time I am getting close to losing I am pulling it away from myself. I need to pull more self control, while still maintaining my lack of stress. I decided that I am not even going to worry about the 5k. I am going to shoot for it and if it happens, it happens. I want to be able to know that I can run on my own first. I need to lose some weight and obtain my goal...I am still just scared of the outcome. I am afraid that I won't be happy with myself even when I am finished and go crazy about my weight. At the same time, I am afraid that I wont pull through and I will not be happy. I really just need to push forward and do this; I am running low on time!

Cake In A Jar

Today I had attempted the Cake-In-A-Jar and it, as far as I know, has become a success! I have cooked one in a traditional mason jar and another in some jars that my dad gets peppers in. One thing I had noticed is that the cooking instructions did not work out well for my rum cake. It had stated to cook for 15 minutes less than the stated cooking time (which would have ended up being 5 min!) and I ended up doing, at least, four 5 minute cycles. The recipe I had used, substitutions aside is here. I am looking forward to seeing how it ends up on Joe's end.

Another thing I am trying is using tomato juice as a face mask. My pores have been really large lately and after searching for home remedies I have found that tomato juice should work, and it has almost an immediate effect. In case it hasn't been noticed already, I am a HUGE fan of home remedies and things from scratch. I find that there isn't always a need for chemicals; note that I am not saying I am oppose to them, just that if I don't have to I don't see a point. Anyway, I use a cherry tomato and cut it in half. I then use about half for half my face...today I added salt to exfoliate a little...let sit for 20 minutes.

In other news, I really need to get back on my running. I ran for a mile on Tuesday, which ended up being one of my shortest times but with an irregular pace. I baked for most of today and somehow managed to eat a lot of sugary things in my tasting mode...I didn't end up running, but I am hoping to tomorrow. I also need to find the source of me not really losing anything and if I do need to exercise every other day, than I need to find a core workout that suites me.

On the Joe front, I am very happy that I am able to make another care package for him. It is kind of a vent for me and it makes me feel like I am helping him while he is away. However, today has been one of those days where I miss him a lot. I can't wait till he comes and sees me, even though I have NO idea when that will be. Waiting really sucks, but I keep in mind how he makes me feel and that neither of us have a choice in the matter. I have worked day by day and we have already gone through two months! I am now at the "stage" where the deployment is suppose to be getting easier. Considering how I haven't hit it that hard yet, I am thinking things are going to be fine...or at least the same.

Sister's House

I think my biggest issue is always going to lie in going back to my sister's house. I think I am associating her with junk food and I have eaten my way back to square one. This is very frustrating for me because I feel like I have been working so hard to get at 188 and now I find myself in a very fluctuating low 90s. I am so torn on what to do, because I wonder if my scale was even right at school, but it had to be; I just wish I didn't gain weight so quickly.

I have also found a way to lose my sight over the past couple days. This past month at school I have been focusing on watching my calories, and getting everything that I need to do. Now, I find myself lounging and eating. I ran on Sunday, but not as far as I could have. I feel weaker, and I feel like I haven't done anything in so long. I wonder if I am just draining myself. No matter what, I need to stop this and get back on my wagon.

I really want to lose this weight, and I am at that point where I would normally start teetering off and halting. Knowing this, I am hoping that I can stop it. I am kind of at a scary part of this and I don't know how badly I am actually doing. I don't want to convince myself I have screwed myself over, but at the same time I don't want to fall into a false comfort. The main thing I think I need to do is regain my vision. Without my drive I will never do this!

Almost Four

I find it ironic that when I am finally about ready for phase four, I have to go home for spring break. Right now the plan is still to start it the Thursday after we get back to school (25th) and all I can really hope for is that I won't get too far behind from being home. Overall my plan is to run around a course I have made for myself and that is about a mile. I will do the five minute warm up then go for as long as I can. It is going to be strange and hard not doing the intervals, but I don't feel like paying attention to time.

Another event for spring break is my full intention to make Joe's second care package. His birthday is on Tuesday and I will be attempting the cake-in-a-jar so that way he will be able to have a birthday cake. I will of course, let ya'll know how that goes. However I am still afraid that my mom is going to back out on letting me do this, and worst case scenario not letting me make the care package. It feels weird saying this as a 20 year old, but until I don't need her to fund it...I am at her bidding.

Overall I have been ready for spring break for DAYS. This has been a long week and I still have to finish my Art History midterm that I am basically forcing myself to do. I am so happy I have a break, and will use the time to get a few projects done. The main focus is bringing myself to go out in the cold and run...

Procrastination

It seems like lately I am using all my will to get my school work done. We have a take home midterm for Art History and words cannot describe how much I want to put off the readings that I have already put off all semester. The midterm is due Friday, so I have been baby-stepping through out the past couple days. I know I will really need to get cracking soon, but right now this pace is the best I can do.

Joe's schedule is also starting to come forward and I should be able to talk to him most days around midday. This is very exciting for me because I have an official estimate and it is during the day; on the downside, some of our conversations will have to be during my classes. The good news is, this is nothing I haven't done before. Seat crits on lab days means that I only see the teacher for a short period of time and I just look like the crazy girl talking to herself.

I have also been asked my preference on Joe's leave. At first I had told him I didn't care (which I honestly don't...seeing him is awesome enough) but after thinking it through I had told him I would prefer November if it has to be during next semester. A part of me is thinking that it is longer than I want it to be, but at the same time...November is our anniversary and if I hold out a bit longer than I had originally wanted to request I don't need to wait three years before we finally get to be together to celebrate it. It never really is important for me to do things on the exact date that they happen, but it never hurts. Also, this is within a few months of him coming home and I would imagine that being easier on me.

I will be smart about this though. I am fully aware how things end up working. Also Merphy's Law is never good for me in the short term. Wishful thinking brings me to my conclusions. There is also the fact that my original due date for me losing my weight was on our anniversary and, should that be when I see him, I should be close to done! With this timing, I will also not be able to procrastinate with the weight loss plan.

Three Bad Days for Food

For the past three days I have gone over my initial calorie budget and I am unsure how I feel about it. Overall I am a bit disappointed in myself for the fact that three days in a row I have gone over, but at the same time I am okay with the issue and feel like I can just keep it from happening again. In the defense Sam is giving me, Joe just got sent to Kuwait, however she did promise me that she would keep me from eating my feelings...I don't think that is my reason, more than my excuse.

Some very good things have happened over this time though. I am working on drinking more water because I have not been drinking anything. I am literally at a dehydrated state, so I feel this will help in the long run. Also, I was able to hear from Joe and the internet is coming in nicely. I wasn't expecting to hear from him at all and I got a call and a video chat! Needless to say, my day was made.

Things I am looking forward to are Joe getting into a routine and spring break. When we know what shift he has, and what times he has off, Joe and I can work out when we can talk with each other. Also, spring break I am hoping a letter will come in and I will be able to make Joe's birthday carepackage! I also am getting to the need a break portion of school. At the same time, I worry about my running and stopping the habit. I need to stay focused!

Officially Deployed

Today marks the first day that Joe is officially deployed. As I have written before, he has been training in Ft. Sill for the past few weeks; now the training is over and his section is off to Kuwait. I don't know how I am suppose to be feeling again. I feel like everyone is still tip-toeing around me, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Ultimately, I still feel like normality is the most important thing for me. When everyone around me is sad like this, I want to start look deeper.

My sister had made a comment a couple days ago about me not wanting to deal with my emotions. In a way this is true, but at the same time I have dealt with them, and now I am ready to move forward. Essentially I have been taking the meditative approach (learned in yoga) of taking the thought and (eventually) letting it go. I see two options, I can let Joe's deployment consume me, or I can make myself better from it. I just wish I could find a way to let everyone else know that without actually saying it.

Overall I am still trying to focus on school and exercise. I have gotten to the point where the running does affect how I feel. I can almost see how people can say that it is a stress reliever, because it is satisfying to know I am improving. Though I am crawling to say the best.

I have decided to stay on phase three till the end of next week, trying out phase four right before Spring Break. This way, I can know where I stand and really nail those last three minutes. I am going to try and run during break, but I am afraid of how the elements will wear on me. I think I should continue, but if I do it will be a 1.1 mile run. I am going to set it up for walking 5 min and then trying to run the rest...again we will see.

Another thing I am crawling at is the weight loss. I keep teetering between 188 and 190 and it has been this way for almost a week. I have chosen the method I have because this will have the least impact on my skin and body (aka I don't want to have saggy skin). This is supposedly the "right" way to lose weight, but it kind of sucks. I will keep to it because at the end of this deployment is when I am really going to notice the results. It is just frustrating to have been running and watching calories (not as successful with counting) and not plummeting. I do know if I want that it will require a steeper diet and more exercise....honestly, screw that.

Easier

So many things have suddenly become easier today...

I had realized a couple of days ago that I had been doing phase 3 of running backwards for the past three weeks. After finding this out, I had decided to run today in the program that it was always suppose to be; I had no idea how much of a difference the system would be in the right order. All this time I had been struggling where I could have worked in a much easier pace. Now I am unsure whether or not to start phase 4 on Thursday, so we will see how well I do on my Tuesday run.

Also, I had a talk with Joe today. Lately I have been worrying about how things would be when he got back from Kuwait. I don't want to be left behind as a low priority and last semester's crap will not fly again! I had mentioned all my worries, and I feel like Joe was waiting for this day...he also knew something was wrong because I haven't been sleeping. This weekend more than through most of this deployment. He had assured me that there is nothing to worry for and of the circumstances that lay behind last semester. I know these worries will come up again, but I am really glad we talked.

I think my communication skills with Joe are very good considering our age. I also don't think people realize that when problems arise we face it head on. This is something I still need to work on (mainly because it is hard for me) but I think Joe appreciates that I say what is bothering me, followed by why and the way it affects me. We send these conversations back and forth and I find it useful because it is important for us to realize where the other is coming from. I do not think we would last without us having these talks.

In a couple of days Joe will be officially deployed. His training is finishing up and they are getting ready for Kuwait. I am hoping I will see him on his two week leave, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed if it can't happen. I am taking Joe's thought of not too many plans because of Murphy's Law. To be honest, this is really going to be a hard year; it already is. I think I have taken for granted the time that he has to speak with me now...and as always fear the changes that this new stage will bring.

On a positive note, My first month and a half is done. I have made it this far and now there are only a few more months to go. This is the hardest part, and I am ready to take it head on. I will still use my time to focus on school and I am excited to graduate next year. I am still running and doing pretty well with it (considering a month ago I could barely handle the minute of jogging and now I can do three), I can see myself at my weight goal when Joe comes home and I like it. This could be the Midol talking, but I am feeling a lot more positive than I was this morning.