Figure Drawing Club

I tell you what, making a club is a lot more effort than I had originally anticipated. It isn't hard work, just a lot of tedious documentation because we are the first group in charge, but I look forward to a success in Figure Drawing Club. We have so many plans for models and a draw-a-thon, but at the same time there are a lot of University policies to check that I had not even considered. Overall, I am glad I am doing this. It is nice to start something and I know I am laying a foundation for a more active Fine Arts Department. Lets not even mention how this will look on my resume.

I am almost afraid to speak too soon. We are doing all of this work and I have a fear that SAIL is just going to decline our groups recognition and I really hope this doesn't happen because so many people are excited. Drawing classes aren't always in our schedules and there is always room for peer improvement. Academically I hope that this group helps the University's fine arts. As a future graduate (2011) I know a lot of seniors that wished this opportunity to draw had come sooner.

Dog Tags

Today I have recieved a replica of Joe's dog tags and I haven't been this excited over something like this in a long time. A while ago I let the issue go and figured I would get them if Joe remembered...and now I have a set! I don't know what it is about the tags, but I do find something nostalgic about them. It shouldn't be that important of a symbol, but there is something about the visual representation that makes it feel more Joe.

I will say that, at the heart of it all, it is a bit unnerving to know I have Joe's information around my neck. I trust myself with it, but I don't take the responsibility lightly. I take this more as something I wear for him (on top of the necklace he already gave me for this deployment). I don't want the tags to replace the necklace he already gave me, so for now I wear both. I don't know if Joe knew my intentions of wearing both, but I don't want to forget the moment he gave me his cross to wear.

I never really noticed how much Joe's confirmation cross had stood out in my mind till it was given for me to wear as a token in his absence. It was always just a part of his dorm room bed, always hanging on the same post as his dog tags (kind of a strange coincidence now that it is brought up), but the day after I had experienced a nightmare that he often has, Joe approached me with the cross I now wear around my neck.

To be honest, I was happy to have it. Earlier in the semester, about a week before I started talking to Joe, I had lost my "Lady of Fatima" necklace that I had worn almost every day since my own Confirmation. I had always felt a loss without my daily necklace and it was one that the chain had been replaced a few times, but I had lost because the chain was too large. Really, it is because of this incident that I am now afraid of losing every piece of jewelry I own.

However, the nightmare was most likely a coincidence because this was also in the last couple of days of school. What I do remember is that he was a bit nervous and his heart was racing really fast when I hugged him afterward. It was one of those strong beats that will stay in my mind...much like his heart beat from when we fell asleep together for the first time. He said to wear this to remember him when he was away. It came a half year sooner than his deployment and I didn't really mind. The only thing that bothers me is the amount of wear and tear that has been put on the necklace since then. It went from rarely worn to always worn and the chain has broken a few times.

Long story short, I now have two necklaces to wear. One being the representation of Joe when we were still in school together and a representation of God in our relationship. The second being the representation of Joe's military life, more directly this deployment. It also seems to help that Joe put "Jedi Knight" in the religious section because that goes to show how nerdy my boyfriend actually is. Now that I think about it, these necklaces go well together.

All that is left to do now is make the chains I ordered into the old regulations for Dog tags. Where there was once 365 balls on the big chain (52 on the small) there are less than half. With the 3ft chain I ordered I am hoping to be able to make the 365 and 52 chains for both Joe and myself (at the least Joe). The main focus was that the 24in chain I have falls at an awkward length for my boobs, the plan is to make it longer like Joe's chain so It hangs lower and wont get caught between or hang too high.

Running and Packages

Today was my first day running since I got sick about two weeks ago. My throat isn't completely clear, but it was long over due. What really makes me sad is I was at 13 minutes then and fractions of a second under 14 minutes now. It was quite a painful experience and I really hope that it is just because my muscles were feeling very weak today. Much like how I shaved off the minute at the beginning of the summer, I am hoping that the run today will give my legs the kick the need to get back into high gear.

I have been at a stand still with my weight because of this. I worry that I will not be able to meet my quota for when Joe comes home and at 180 now I have only a couple months to make my original anniversary goal. It is safe to say that my plans for making my goal sooner was a success, however I do not plan on officially changing it till I meet that date above the 140s. The important part right now is not letting myself give up and to keep running as close to every day as possible.

Another side note is that Joe still hasn't gotten his care package yet...and it has been about three weeks at least! I have heard of the stories of packages getting held up, but this is getting ridiculous. He has now gotten everyone's package but mine and the only one close is his grandmother's that he got today from June 27th, but that was sent to Oman and mine should have gone straight to him. My letters have been slacking too and I really just wonder what is going on with the package.

Regardless I am glad to be running again. I have accomplished a lot even though I really haven't done anything this week. I am having a very hard time motivating myself with my book project at home. I feel like anywhere else I would have no problems, there is just something about here that makes me have to push myself to get work done.

Grandpa and Tomorrow

I don't even have a "real" funeral to go to and I still don't want to go. I have been able to only show up at wakes for 20 years and now I still avoid it, but the likeness of what is to come displeases me.

Don't get my wrong I love my grandfather, but I don't see funerals and wakes as a representation of how much someone cares. On some level I do think that I may need closer in this and not going would only delay the feelings I have cast aside so well. I just don't like being sad and I know this is how I am going to feel tomorrow.

The good news is, tomorrow's early day leaves me open to get a lot of things done before I talk to Joseph. After the family things are taken care of I am finally going to pick up my skirt from the tailors, straighten out things with CCRI and return my library books. Most importantly tomorrow I believe I am going to start running again. I have missed it, but my coughing has really put a damper on my ability to even try. It will be interesting to see if a week and a half has made me better or worse.

Overall I am still feeling really good. A series of revelations has really made this part of the deployment easier on me and I am very glad that my secret wish (that he will be home in November) isn't an idea I have become married to...because I shouldn't commit to things that have such a small percentage of happening. I also have a deeper trust in Joseph coming to visit me. I am sure that there will be a rocky start to our first few months of him being home, but once we have a rhythm we will be okay for the long hall of him finishing school.

Another thing I have realized is that I want so badly to rush through life and its stages. Everyone I have talked to is weary on how the long distance is going to work for us, but at the same time I feel that it will encourage our quality time and help protect our purity in the years we have left to wait. I would be a fool to say I'm not scared still, but I am back on the everything is going to work out okay wagon.

Fighting

I don't really know what is going on at the moment, just that stress is running high on both ends of Joe's deployment. I don't intend for there to be stress on a daily basis, but at the same time I feel like it keeps happening. For some reason I am being really sensitive, but at the same time I do feel that I have a right to be angry every once in a while.

This recent change in mood has lead me to do some research. I know that this is a perfectly normal stage of deployment, just not one I had expected to come across considering how well everything has been going. For now, I blame this on the shock of my sudden emotional outbursts, but I do want to stop this. What I am wondering is if I am making it worse by trying to let go of these superficial things that are bothering me before I am ready. I have been doing some reading. Mainly because I don't have anyone that can really tell me what I am feeling is normal and this is especially true because I feel like I am not fully looking at this open minded yet. This blog post was the first to make me feel better because even this not being our first argument, this is the first significant one.

I very much agree with the woman in the post. This is the most unsatisfying arguments someone can ever have. Neither of us want to deal with it, but I know it needs to be dealt with. Our time is also limited, which leaves me both stewing in my own problems and gives me time to think about the things that have been said. It is bitter sweet but I don't understand why I am holding this much anger...but I am also frustrated that I am not confident Joe understands why I am angry.

I feel like I am not being met half way, but at the same time I know I am. This is the exact feeling that the post had mentioned, which made me feel better about the situation as a whole. With our prolonged long distance relationship, I keep being afraid that it is always going to be like this...I do need to trust that it wont. I don't know why I am forgetting that Joe is deployed but I need to stop and chill out.

Side note, I feel icky and it isn't helping!!! Yay first summer cold T_T...

...this sickness may be keeping me from the lake tomorrow :(