Grandpa and Tomorrow

I don't even have a "real" funeral to go to and I still don't want to go. I have been able to only show up at wakes for 20 years and now I still avoid it, but the likeness of what is to come displeases me.

Don't get my wrong I love my grandfather, but I don't see funerals and wakes as a representation of how much someone cares. On some level I do think that I may need closer in this and not going would only delay the feelings I have cast aside so well. I just don't like being sad and I know this is how I am going to feel tomorrow.

The good news is, tomorrow's early day leaves me open to get a lot of things done before I talk to Joseph. After the family things are taken care of I am finally going to pick up my skirt from the tailors, straighten out things with CCRI and return my library books. Most importantly tomorrow I believe I am going to start running again. I have missed it, but my coughing has really put a damper on my ability to even try. It will be interesting to see if a week and a half has made me better or worse.

Overall I am still feeling really good. A series of revelations has really made this part of the deployment easier on me and I am very glad that my secret wish (that he will be home in November) isn't an idea I have become married to...because I shouldn't commit to things that have such a small percentage of happening. I also have a deeper trust in Joseph coming to visit me. I am sure that there will be a rocky start to our first few months of him being home, but once we have a rhythm we will be okay for the long hall of him finishing school.

Another thing I have realized is that I want so badly to rush through life and its stages. Everyone I have talked to is weary on how the long distance is going to work for us, but at the same time I feel that it will encourage our quality time and help protect our purity in the years we have left to wait. I would be a fool to say I'm not scared still, but I am back on the everything is going to work out okay wagon.