New Shoes and Fat

I am going to be honest, this summer has sucked when it comes to my whole "be 140 by the time Joe comes home" plan. I haven't exactly gained much (I fluctuate between a few pounds) but I haven't gotten anywhere since school has let out. This has caused me to lose a couple months and now I think I am going to have to revert to the base plan (the "In case plan 140 doesn't work because I suck balls at not being fat") of weighing less than Joe...which is an obtainable 172...ideally I would like to pretend he is in the 160 zone...but I'll work with whatever I have. What I also may have to narrow down to is using my weight thing on my ipod and pray to god that I have the power to stick with it on my break. Right now I lack motivation...but I am really looking to not diet, I know how those end.

Working towards this, I am planning on going to the gym almost every day when I go back to school. However now my thought really isn't about getting into better shape as much as adding to the calories I can eat. Lets be honest, I didn't get this way from not eating, and when I am done with this I wont stop eating. I just need to find a happy medium of actually moving once in a while...but I digress.

Also in my plan is I have bought those rocker shoes that we have all seen on TV. They are publicized to make you to walk heal to toe and I am true to my word when I say they force you to walk heal to toe and if you stand to long they are slightly unsettling. I am also in the stage where I am trying to get use to them because I am use to flip flops, bare feet, or running shoes. What I am hoping is that these shoes will do everything everyone says they will do and tone my legs while getting a few extra calories in each day.

I don't understand why I am veering away from my motivation. I have stopped this veering a couple time before with much success, but being sick literally killed any chance I had to wanting to run. I really need to just get back to school and push myself to go every day. What I am really hoping is that the first couple weeks I will kick start my metabolism and everything will be down hill from there, but that isn't a very realistic goal is it?

The weirdest part of the whole situation is that I want to hate my body (sometimes) but I just done. I have always been okay with my size, figuring I would lose it because okay isn't good enough for me sometimes. I have always seen myself as a perfectionist and that part of me that wants me to hate my body is being blocked for the sheer purpose of I don't want to lose all of my weight. I have always thought girls were more attractive with a bit of meat on them and I am afraid that I am going to strive for a washboard stomach when my body isn't meant for it.

I don't really know what my body has in store for me and overall I don't want to be concerned about my weight forever. I have finally decided that I will (guessing) be happy at a size 10. It isn't that far from my grasp, but it is far enough when I think about how much time I have wasted this summer. Still, I don't expect any progress until I am back at school. There are too many variables at home right now and I feel like I have been cooped up in my room for months.

Now to get rid of some gloom some things I am happy about:

• Making my goal tangible and low stress
• I haven't given up yet
• A long time ago we passed the "hump" of Joe's deployment and I am still pleased with this because these are the days till he comes home.
  
• I have an awesome boyfriend

There really is more...but then the list would be too long (and to be honest no one really cares).