I suck.....

I know I promised that I wouldn't, but I totally suck at blogging regularly. I kept putting off my latest entry, because I had run out of time....but now I sit here with plenty so I am starting up again, but I am not going to be anal or put pressure on myself to keep this up. I feel like that pressure is part of the reason that I did not blog so much. I also feel as though this is not as brilliant as it could be because it is so public, but my private entries will stay that way...

The reason I had originally stopped my casual streak is because I was waiting for my boyfriend Joe and me to start dating. I had written an entry not long after (Nov 14th) but it was way to soon to write a post for it because I was still digesting this fact myself. It was a hard concept for me to grasp because, for the first time, things were going perfect in my life. I see that I did in fact have a small depression that it seems my entire family was going through and I found what I had been searching for in my life (which showed up in my art)

A long time ago, a small while after RISD pre-college, I had noticed that something was missing in my life. I was content, but my art was lacking something (and I was told that on national portfolio day). I was afraid and embarrassed to do certain drawings that would really express too much of my self and, as I know now, I was unhappy along with my lack of motivation. I feel like this is why I have never really acomplished much of my goals that had not come easy to me. I would always get tired and say "Screw it" while I was at my prime.

There is something about Joe's personality that really made me not think so much about what I was doing. I heard words of inspiration that he said to me while I struggled. For some reason I had strong feelings from the very begining and I feel very drawn to him. I pushed my comfort level to get closer to him, and it definably payed off. I have not only gained a wonderful boyfriend, but I have grown as a person as well.

It took me a long time to process what was going on (I think) because I was afraid that when I accepted it, I would find out that it wasn't real. I wasn't afraid to be myself, but I was afriad to pda to all levels because of my past. On a logical level, I understood that this was stupid, but that wasn't the dominant feeling...My only wish is that it didn't take me a month to get over that...

At the same time I do not wish that anything went differently. Because we were friends first, I was able to know him better than if something had been done a week or two in. I am glad for this, even in my doubts I flirted my butt off...and recieved it without retreating. (I would secretly fear that guys would only pretend to be nice...long story...)

Any way, 80% of my social fears are over. Unlike when I got back from Thanksgiving break, Joe will be getting some PDA the second I see him.....as long as my balls still permit.....


Also, I may be able to post more now....but I am not forcing it.....