Doing Well

Strong feelings have always embarrassed me, so putting myself out there was never one of my strong points. The reasons why I refuse to pick the break up solution is nothing more than my faith in love. I am a firm believer in, if you have truly found love it will never let go. I have searched only for that in my life. My hopes and dreams depend on it, but by saying these things I am exposing my childlike fantasies. I wait for the hard core realist to jump in and tell me that it'll never happen.

I don't want to lose that part of myself. I love having a childlike heart. I feel like it will make me a stronger person. Even now I am finding that I am so much stronger than I was a year ago. I refuse to be a hypocrite of my own cause. Almost every one who I have talked to has told me the "best thing" for me, but only Kate has said the words I wanted to hear. I need to follow my heart, even if it means I get hurt more. Something happened between today and yesterday that is making me feel very okay. With the exception of Joseph leaving, I have had a pretty good day full of much hope for the future.

I know this feeling was brewing yesterday, but it has really kicked in lately. With the possibility of the Family Readiness Group and positive thoughts on my side, I feel again like I can handle the year to come. Really my largest issue was not knowing what I am going to end up doing. I don't mean I am going to go crazy, but I have never been in a situation like this. I feel very confident on my intuition today.

I think it also helped that I saw Joseph (I find his presence very strengthening). Although I had a hard time grasping the reality of him being here, the knowledge that nothing has changed helped comfort me. Also, today I have openly verbalized my thoughts on how not seeing him is not really affecting my decision on keeping him around. I think everyone is afraid of the possibility that I will wake up one day with a huge "screw this" attitude, and I really need to stay sensitive to those feelings.