School and Life

I have always seen my decisions on school going very well. Staying on campus is easy and I really do need to get out of my house. There is too much at home that drains my energy, and at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't even bother going back to school in the first place.

I have pretty much decided, based on financial need, that I will no longer be living at UMass starting Spring 2010. I have pretty much over stayed my ability, but there is really no point in backing out of this semester. It is too late and I need to plan before I start my commuting. It breaks apart of me leaving my UMass behind when I am not yet ready, but through this semester I am going to have to force myself to be.

My "no anxiety" pact with myself is really pushing at the moment. With Joe deploying in January, I am afraid of what will happen without full time UMass at the same time. I know my plan is to be working, but I feel like I am where I belong at UMass, but will that change now that Joe no longer a student?

Still my fears run deeper into the future. I don't know when I am going to be able to pay my parents off completely. I want to move out and there are two sides pulling, now I see where my sister had been coming from. I want to rush it, but I NEED to let things run their course, I will move out when I can and my life will run the way it is suppose to. I am letting go of my reins so I don't need to lose other things.

The "what ifs" seem to not matter so much at the moment. For the most part I am ignoring them and running on my instincts. I have always told myself I need to trust them more, but now is the time to put that into action. I feel like my time at UMass is ending, so I need to go with it. I need to pay my parents back.

The other worry is what is going to happen post deployment? If Joe goes to UD, I won't really see him that much...will life get caught between us? I am afraid that the day may come where he wont come up here. Or the day will come where he may ask me to leave the only place I have ever known and go to Delaware...I don't know what I would do...but these are questions I am letting go for the moment.

I am storing things in the back of my brain and I will "sleep on it" until the days when I have more information on what is going on. I trust this decision, and I find the best course of action is letting things work themselves out. I may have an urge to know right away and fix my situations, but I am just going to watch and guide.