No Time for Tears...

It has been a while since I have gotten the urge to just break down and cry. The only thing that stands in my way is the knowledge that it wont ever help me, the only person I want to run to is, most of the time 355 miles away. When he isn't here there is really not much he can do, and I don't want him to feel badly because most of my issues is the distance, I keep myself together promising myself that I will wait till he is here to hold me and that things aren't even that bad when you consider what is going to happen next year.

There is a defiant flaw in this reasoning; I need to find a thought that will pull me together while he is away for a year. Another thing that I am a bit upset over is the fact that his grandmother told Joe he should give me a (in Joe's terms) "free card" for when he is away, with the ability to date other people. I understand her reasoning, doing this would protect him if anything happened over here. Not that it would happen, but it probabily wouldn't hurt him as much...that thought alone breaks my heart.

It isn't her saying this that bothers me. It is the fact that, in these words, I am retold the possible mortality in my relationship. In my heart I know everything will work as it will, but I don't want to lose him. I hope Joe understands my reasoning in not wanting the "free card" (not even mentioning if he ever gives it to me I am NOT using it). Taking away attachments, I wouldn't date him if I didn't want to be with him. Keeping the attachments, I love him and will [impatiently] wait for him to come home.

I think this is really affecting me recently because there were suto plans for him to visit this month, but things didn't work out as well as we had hoped. He would have no way to go back home, so he has to go home after drill. I found this out late last week, and now we have to wait till October to see each other. Still, not as bad as next year will be. I need to find a new sentence.

Some times I sit and wonder why everyone seems so surprised that "we" are still working with all of this. I realize that everyone assumes that our relationship is purely physical, but just because it is an expected thing doesn't mean that is how things are. It seems good that Joe and I talked and hung out so much last year, we truly created a great foundation for ourselves. I thank God for my inspiration to break down my barriers and let my self get close to Joe. I really locked him out too much in the very beginning, but I realized in order to have what we have I needed to take a chance.

I remember a year ago today. I never thought I would be where I am today, I had given up on my search for my boy and decided that he will just have to come find me. I stayed in my room most nights and just did my work with no urge to see anyone. I wasn't as strong and I didn't know about anyone out there who truly loved and understood me. Most importantly I never knew I would be where I am today and my housing mistake would pay off.