Post Time

I had realized that it has been a while since I have posted, when I accidentally hit the blogger shortcut in my bookmarks. This is strange because I keep thinking about posting, but never really getting around to it. It isn't that I don't have the time, just that I haven't been up to it...and a lot has happened too....

As you know, Joseph got a webcam and vchating is suddenly replacing all the phone calls we were once making. Seeing him is definably better than just hearing him and it calms some of the distance. I have also decided I shouldn't worry about weather or not his family likes me, because it is against my New Year's resolution (which has been going magically) and I really need to just let myself be me.

I have noticed a lot of changes in myself lately. Not taking people's crap is leaving me a lot happier and I am having some fun with it along the way. I am also a lot less worried about my artwork and I can almost just "do." Art and Fear has really helped me a lot with my artwork and there is also a lot of help from Joseph. I am really pushing to find my style.

My whole life I have seen my artwork compared. I would look at something and wish I could do it, then I would try and replicate it, most of the time with success. The issue was I had lost the ability to make the things that I see in my head. I have been focusing way too much on what the end result should be instead of how it is. My work is coming out much better now that I am letting it take on life.

Even my sketches are becoming more free. I have been drawing the girls in my ARH class, instead of my normal doodling, and I am noticing stronger drawings that are now becoming easier to get in their likeness. The issue I was having most often was that they were moving so much, but I have grown past that and see the beauty in my quick work.

Mainly I think back to last year. Around this time, my roommate Jackie was trying to get me out more. I was just focusing on art and class, working on auto pilot and searching for a drive. I was too worried about making something amazing I had lost my art process. I am actually almost at the time where I starting talking to Joe.

I also find it amusing that close to the same amount of time will pass, from the start of school, till I see Joseph on campus. I pray that he will end up here next month, but I still am worried that that wont fall through. I miss him a lot and the next opportunity would be late November.

I have found many of my times of peace, though I can only hope they stay. The main one, based on what most of my posts could be on next year, is how I am going to handle Joe's deployment next year. Now I look at the times that we have had on our cyberdates and when we are together. I was thinking about how I don't want my feelings to change and all the other fears that would come in the next year. Then I realized the things I need to remember, and that I had already worried him away for too long. My walls went down so I wouldn't lose him, and I am mostly fine now.

I have always gotten by with thinking of this time to train myself into the deployment. I haven't seen Joseph in a little over a month, there is a chance I could not see him for a couple months...at most three. That is like a third of the deployment (or a fourth...I am really not sure). Point being, I have been ok because of the fact he is coming back. So him coming back needs to be the thought I am stuck on over next year. I am always afraid I will forget, but I see him everywhere I turn.