Spiral

I feel like the mixture of school and Joe being far away is starting to affect me. I keep randomly getting the urge to cry and, not that I don't know why, but I don't know why! I am aware that this is happening because of everything that is going on, but I don't know why I can't effectively hold it down. I think I have cried/teared more in the past week than I have in about a year.

This bothers me, because I am not one for breakdowns. Though, I am still not at the "breakdown" point, just at the tini episode phase. Either way, I don't know what I am going to do; that could be my problem. I have spent so much time coming up with plans and now I just don't know. It seems so frivolous to cry over things that haven't happened, but I really can't help it.

The main thing that is bothering me is, without school, I really don't know what I would do next year. Of course I would be working, but I would be at home, behind in my studies, and I don't even know how much or when I will see my boyfriend. I am so scared of what could happen. I don't think it would be anything bad, I just don't know...

Mainly these moments of sadness need to stop. It is against my personality and is really happening too frequently. There is nothing I can do about my predicaments and I just need to work through them so I can get past them. Logically, I know what I need to do, but emotionally I am afraid that I'll end up going downhill. So for now I will stay strong and wait till I see Joe again...which I hope will be in a couple weeks...I am trying not to get excited till I know because I have bad luck with things happening when I am excited for them!

May I also add, this isn't just about the deployment, this is about losing school too!