Scared

I have noticed over the past couple of days, after I talk to Joe, I get a bit scared over this deployment. In my mind, I see this as a blink in time as well as forever away. As I have said before, nothing scares me as much as not knowing what is going to happen when he gets home. I have no idea when I will see him and no idea what will be going on. I fear that our time apart will extend and eventually he just won't find me as a priority to visit. However, I do understand that this is an irrational fear. We had so much time together in the beginning, and now we don't have any for a while. It is strange to see this happening, but it is good that it is happening now. This is what will make us stronger and once I make it through this deployment I will feel more confident about the ones to come. My fears are really within what some people expect from me.

While others know that Joe and I can make it through this, some feel that I am going to either cheat on him or dump him midway. I know this is hard, but I really don't see this happening. Joe and I have a strange relationship, but I really enjoy it. There is something about when we are together that makes us do great things. I think we bring out the best in each other and that isn't something you can just find everyday. Part of me is so insecure, but in my heart I know I need to trust that everything is going to be okay.

Another part of today's contribution is that he will have 4 days off in February, which he will be spending in Delaware. I completely understand this, he has not really seen his brother and getting to me would be more hassle and time that actually seeing me. I have done my goodbye and it could also become hard for me with seeing him after mentally preparing for a longer time. I have given him my blessing, but at the same time a part of me screams for more attention. I am just glad that Joe is honest with me and told me his plans so I didn't find out from another source and freak out. I told him my request is that he makes time for me when he comes home from deployment, and he is working on those plans...

These conflicting emotions are what is making me have those couple hours of hardship in my day. Other than this, I am really feeling good about my emotional state. As I see it, Joe will be home soon and why would I give him up for wanting to be with him? I see where this same question could cause problems, but I am willing to deal with them then. If I do not feel like I am being set high enough, I will make my situation known. I fear this will be an issue, but I trust that it is not. Also, on an unrelated note, I have made some pretzel things for Joe (pretzil, hershey kisses, and m&ms recipe here), that are going to be sent for before he leaves for Kuwait. I made them red, which was for the transportation core (and apparently Joe's favorite!) and I plan to send them tomorrow.

I really enjoy the letters and care packaging part of the deployment. It feels really good to do something for Joe that I know will make him smile. It gives me time to think of our times together and almost feels like us time. I only wish I could do it more...