Fearful Night

It is an extremely honest statement when I say this is one of my lower nights. Not only am I struggling still with phase 3 of running, but I have also sparked a fear of my future. Not knowing what is going to happen when Joe comes back from his deployment is one of the scariest things I have to deal with. In a strange way, I fear that when he is going to school again he is going to float away and forget about me. I am terrified that I will deal with this long distance thing for years and only to have it be (for lack of other words) wasted.

I am a firm believer in us pulling through anything, but that doesn't stop my fears. Another issue is the possibility of being uprooted for where ever Joe can have a job...something that I can only hope wont be an issue in the future. Then there is the fear that I will fade away from Joe, I know I wont but I don't want to wake up one day and no longer care. I am a patient woman, but....grrrrrr.

My instincts tell me this will all be resolved and okay around the time Joe comes home. We will come out of this stronger. Tonight I feel lonely and my fear is that it will continue past its desired expiration date. Pretty much I expect that it will, everything is easier that way. Plus, logically there are parts of both of our lives that need to be resolved...and the resolve needs to happen on its own time!

Close to having my first cry, haven't decided if I am going to let it happen yet...